Saturday, June 26, 2010

Parkway Drive - Deep Blue (2010)

Remember Deep Blue Sea, that movie with all the sharks and the secret government facility and whatnot? Yeah, the one where shark brains cure all of mankind's problems, so we give them gigantic megasharkbrains so they can form their own shark government and live peacefully among the humans in exchange for a few all-healing megasharkbrains to keep us alive forever. It went pretty well until the megasharkjerks decided to systematically eliminate any black men they caught giving a Braveheart speech, forcing Skynet to send a robot shark back in time to try and sabotage their society from within. Roboshark was able to keep the megasharkassholes from overthrowing humanity, but Samuel IGotBitInFuckingHalf Jackson still didn't make it. Unfortunate, but then, is society really any worse off without someone who thinks it's a good idea to give a five minute monologue in front of a pit of angry ultrasharks?

Parkway Drive's newest album is kind of like that, only without any of the sharks or black people or anything else interesting. In their place is a bunch of boring mid-paced metalcore. Nothing stands out as being particularly terrible; every member is more than competent with their respective instrument, lead angry shouting man is adequate (if somewhat monotonous), and there's quite a few interesting ideas floating around. The problem is how damn pointless it all is. The entire album is an excuse for aforementioned angryman Winston McCall to yell some angsty Facebook status updates over top of yet another worthless breakdown.

It's frustrating, really, because the guitarists throw some genuinely great riffs and leads around, but they're never allowed to head towards a worthwhile climax. Triumphant leads show up out of the blue and flail about like a wounded seal for awhile before being sucked down into the abyss of breakdowns that haunts every single song. Just like the uberdicksharks from the movie, it's like the breakdowns are hiding around the corner at all times, waiting for someone to start a speech so they can Kanye West the fuck out of them.

Maybe it's for the best, though. "Home Is For The Heartless" manages to hide in a dark, breakdownless corner for an entire four minutes while also managing to be the most annoying song here. Worthless chugging is replaced with a stream of constant "I really wish we were Paramore" whoaaa-ohhhs and the incredibly obnoxious line "If home is where the heart is, why do I feel so fucking heartless?" On the subject of lyrics, while that's a particularly horrible example, it's still indicative of the rest of the album: it's all just cut-and-paste metalcore angst, with a few more "fuck"s thrown in than usual to show that they're really mad about how miserable life is.

Just like Mr. Jackson from that movie, Deep Blue is kinda cool at times but got eaten by a shark because it's stupid and sharks are dicks. In conclusion, fuck sharks.

Verdict: Fail [3/10] (i mean seriously sharks just go away)

1 comment:

autothrall said...

But the cover is so soothing...