Gozu (2003)

There are horror films and then there are simply disturbing films. The modern Japanese classic Gozu (cow's head) falls into both categories thanks to the stunning performances of its cast and the direction of Takashi Miike during his prime, when every film he spawned offered a ghastly variety of morbid thrills that not only shocked upon impact, but resonated in the rear lobes of the conscience forevermore. Fusing Miike's strong background in the yakuza genre to an almost Alice in Wonderland journey of sanity extraction, the film explores a number of dark themes through a steady stream of bizarre characters and uncomfortable situations that ultimately revel in a deeply cerebral, almost Freudian gross out. If the 'American Gothic' genre were transplanted to suburban Japan and slowly roasted over Hitchcock's chestnuts on an open fire, with yazuka leads, then it might turn out something like this.

***LACTOSE INTOLERANT SPOILERS***

The plot follows Minami (portrayed by Yûta Sone), who is assigned to escort his higher up Ozaki (the always excellent Sho Aikawa) to a 'disposal' site for yakuza, after it becomes apparent that Ozaki has lost his marbles and gone paranoid schizophrenic (thinking every dog is a 'yakuza attack dog' for example). The order comes from Boss, played by yakuza regular Renji Ishibashi; a womanizing mob boss who can't achieve an erection without shoving a soup ladle up his ass. On the road, Minami is forced to knock out Ozaki after an encounter with a car 'remodeled to kill yakuza'. Since he's apparently killed his former boss and friend, an unforeseen circumstance, Minami stops at a roadside tavern to call for help, in the town of Nagoya. After vomiting from a chicken custard side dish complements of the house (and courtesy of a transexual phantom), Minami discovers that Ozaki's body has disappeared from his car outside. After this, the film becomes a strange procedural investigation, as Minami is forced to team up with the local, odd yakuza crew to track any leads, and it just keeps on getting eerier until the final revenge arc, which I will dare not even hint about here.

Gozu is deep, and like most traditional Japanese cinema, it takes its time to achieve each thrill. Sone doesn't have to do much but stand around confused and weirded out, but to his credit, he pulls off the discomfort very well while maintaining a tough thug exterior. More impressive are Aikawa, whose paranoid glares are simply unforgettable as he stares down a yazuka attack dog or his own boss in the opening credits. Keiko Tomita and Harumi Sone are likewise superb as the innkeeper and her brother that provide lodging for Minami, and the scenes at the inn are among the best. Shohei Hino is also brilliant as local gangster Nose, who suffers from a strange skin discoloration. The music is timid but threatening, and though it moves perhaps a little too slow in some spots, the tension of the film is crafted lovingly, the sets so natural and familiar to suburbia and yet so cluttered full and foreign that they provide the perfect purgatory for these events.

In short, Gozu is an essential viewing experience to any fan of psychological horror and unique movie making, and in my opinion one of Miike's strongest offerings. It's somewhat more understated than Ichi the Killer or Audition, but it compensates its lack of viscera with a more chilling graft of deeply disturbing bewitchment, with a number of scenes and characters you simply cannot forget. I haven't seen the film in English, but even if such a dub exists, I would highly recommend (as always) that you watch it in Japanese with the subtitles. Very well worth your time if you're into strangeness like Uzumaki or Suicide Club, and fascinating to behold, this is perhaps one of the better foreign horror films I've ever seen.

Verdict: Epic Win [9/10]

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

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The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (2009)

Though the film will likely be remembered more for being the last of the promising actor Heath Ledger before his death, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus should hold significance as the first collaboration of its creators (Terry Gilliam and Charles McKeown) since the excellent The Adventures of Baron Munchaussen 21 years ago. Like most Terry Gilliam pictures, it is a visual feast, complementing his colorful aesthetic for stage settings and props with some very interesting alternate worlds that the audience will visit through the mental powers of the titular character. As far as the story, it's rather weak...essentially a loose plot which serves for little else than driving forward the parade of gorgeous scenery and creating a less than compelling conflict between its representative forces of 'good and evil'.

***SPOILERARIUM OF AUTODOCTOR THRALL***

Doctor Parnassus (Christopher Plummer) is a traveling mystic, who once lived in a temple of aesthetics that told the stories of the world. He meets the Devil (a real scene stealer courtesy of Tom Waits), and the two begin a long series of bets to outwit one another, ending up in Parnassus' immortality, which he gradually begins to see a a curse rather than a blessing. In today's world, Parnassus runs a traveling sideshow in which the audience can enter his magic mirror and experience their imagination. His troupe is rounded out by Anton (Andrew Garfield), Parnassus' daughter Valentina (Lily Cole), and Percy (Verne Troyer doing a decent turn as the all wise and useful stage hand/assistant). The troupe eventually discovers and rescues the high class criminal Tony, who is hanging himself from a bridge and has apparently lost his memory.

Of course, there is quite a lot more to Tony, as his questionable past gradually leaks out. He's a con man and exploiter with a certain magic trick allowing him to survive execution. But for most of the film, he fits in with the troupe as a smooth talking charlatan who Valentina takes an interest in. As it turns out, though, Parnassus is only a few days away from losing his daughter to the Devil, in one of their many bets. But they will make one more bet, and this serves as the driving 'plot' that attempts to string together the shambles of a film we have been presented. The Doctor and the Devil will race to claim 5 souls through the visionary worlds created in Parnassus' mirror, and whoever wins gets to keep Valentina. There's a little twist or two in the film which are not surprising and not all that interesting, but I'm going to be honest...the story is pretty much a throwaway comedy errors, a slightly dark fairy tale.

So if there's a reason to go and see this film, it's the all around great cast and the imagination sequences, which provide some mind blowing special effects and often abstract scenery. The flashback to Parnassus' monastery is fantastic, as are the kid's candy dream and the sequence in which Tony is fleeing Russian mobsters on a giant ladder split into stilts. In fact, these visions are so interesting that they make the remainder of the film feel rather drab, as your desires race towards hoping for a glimpse of the next bizarre world. Not all of these are perfect; for example the rich old lady's dream, in which Valentina floats around awkwardly making innuendos at Tony, is pretty dumb, and some of the imaginary backgrounds are just barren stretches of rock and decay behind the actors. At the end of each imaginary sequence, the 'dreamer' is given a choice or enlightenment or sin/desire (the Devil's domain, which is generally a neon-lit whorehouse or bar). It's all a little too obvious, but the design at least is fetching and fits Waits' character.


The score from Mychael & Jeff Danna is rousing and not subtle, and the actors mostly do a good job with what they are given. Since Ledger passed away before the film's completion, other actors were cast to finish his parts, and Gilliam did a nifty job of putting them in the various dream sequences, where the face of Tony is altered but the dashing rogue personality remains. Johnny Depp, Jude Law & Colin Farrell make the transition seamless, which is not so difficult as Ledger's portrayal of Tony is not much more than a typical scoundrel with an accent. Of the three, Law probably sparkles the brightest. I liked Verne Troyer here, and Andrew Garfield, but I think the cake has to be given to Plummer and Waits. The former turns in his typically good performance, though a little more reckless and drunken than you may be used to. The latter simply rocks every scene he appears in, and is one of the more memorable portrayals of the Devil in recent films. This is the kind of Devil we'd all probably like if he were a real figure.

The Imaginarium reminds me of Hellboy II: The Golden Army as far as it being a shoddy story used by a skilled director to connect a sequence of unique, dazzling visual effects and scenes. Although it's a decent film worth seeing once, it has absolutely nothing on Gilliam's wealth of classics like Time Bandits, Brazil, Munchausen, The Fisher King, the Python films or his amazing Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. But it's a little better than The Brothers Grimm...

Verdict: Win [7/10] (get a midget)

http://www.doctorparnassus.co.uk/

Sherlock Holmes (2009)

I had a lot of trepidation when seeing the trailers for this film, because an action hero Sherlock Holmes is about the last thing I wanted to see. Not to say that action has never been a component of the novels or previous films and television episodes, but Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce have always remained my iconic duo of Holmes & Watson, capturing the essence of the stories I enjoyed as a young reader (as best they could for the period). But alas, Guy Ritchie's adaptation of the story is made to cater both to a modern audience and the fans of his 'slam, bam, thank you ma'am' filmmaking. It's not as cheeky and clever as a Snatch or level as his last Rock'n'Rolla, but it takes a pair of well-liked actors, throws them into the roles, and dazzles you with over 2 hours of thrills that certainly doesn't feel so long as you watch the action unravel.

Downey, Jr. and Jude Law are acceptable as the sleuth and his doctor/ bodyguard/companion, but I did not come out of this highly impressed. Downey's Holmes reminded me quite a lot of Johnny Depp's turn as Ichabod Crane from the Sleepy Hollow film (which was in turn inspired itself by Angela Lansbury and Basis Rathbone), though less quippy and a lot more of the rambling intellectual, as one requires from the brilliant detective's deductive nature. At times I felt it was a little forced, but who am I kidding? Downey obviously wanted to have fun with his role and that's all this movie is...popcorn chewing fun. More interesting to me are the lesser roles. Mark Strong may remind you of Andy Garcia, but he does a slick, classic nefarious turn as the devious snake oil 'occultist' Lord Blackwood. Eddie Marsan gives no less than his best with Inspector Lastrade, and Canadian-born titan Robert Maillet does a nice job as the French thug Dredger (a minor role, but the guy has character, let's see him in more). Rachel McAdams as the villainous Irene Adler is...well, forgettable.

Ritchie's Holmes film is like a James Bond near the close of the 19th century. You've got a hokey, ambitious plan from a diabolic villain, a dash of steampunk gadgetry, occult imagery (the Temple of the Four Orders might remind you of the Golden Dawn meets the Freemasonry), and a lot of explosions, narrow escapes and fist fighting action. I had been wary that this would be some sort of kung fu, Matrix-style action take on Holmes, and to an extent this is the case. But his fighting style here is based more on his ability to quickly deduce and plan a combination of hits than any Bruce Lee mystique, and we are treated with equal amounts of reason and deduction in the tradition of Arthur Conan Doyle's fiction. The story is rather meek, but it works enough to keep you entertained for the 2+ hours. About the only major gripe I had was that I felt the sequel setup was too obvious. Before seeing the film and realizing Blackwood would be the villain, I deduced that Moriarty would in fact appear as a nod to a planned sequel, but once would have been enough. Instead, they pretty much hammer it into you, and I'm surprised there weren't ushers waiting outside the theater trying to sell me advanced discount tickets. The question is, who will play Moriarty?

If you shut your mind off and just want a good time, this Sherlock Holmes is worth a single trip to the theater, preferably a matinee or at a discount. It's not too violent for the kids, and they will probably appreciate Downey's approach to the character and Ritchie's direction, which as usual wastes very little time cycling through the events. The location shots and the CG are very nice in the film, there are some great slices of nighttime London from the Thames and a lot of the minor characters have a nice swagger about them. The score is not the best Hans Zimmer of recent memory, but my companion seemed to enjoy it.

Look, mom, no spoilers!

Verdict: Win [7/10] (beneath this pillow lies the key to my release)

http://sherlock-holmes-movie.warnerbros.com/

Avatar (2009)

Considering the overwhelming negativity directed at James Cameron's Avatar before its theatrical release, I was really hoping that a whole lot of internet nerds would be eating their internet words; and that the movie would be a resounding success, straight in their faces. While the film has drawn considerable positive reviews (by an ever increasing armada of untrustworthy commercial critics who laud over its various cliches when they have condemned other films for the same), I have to admit that I was very disappointed by the movie itself. $500 million dollars and 14 years later, and this is the BEST story you can come up with? Did a meteor cross our sky in the past decade that showered stupid dust on all humanity? Avatar chokes out nearly every annoying genre cliche as it squanders its impressive budget on all manner of eye candy. But there is simply no substance...and it pains me greatly, because I was really hoping it would be a shining gem in a year that produced a lot of overrated garbage and very few films of lasting quality.

***SPOILATAR***

To begin, Avatar is basically just your typical science fiction/fantasy retelling of the Conquistadors invading Latin America, or the Colonials invading North America, or any one of a million exploits caused by the Great Evil White Man as he conquered and created the civilized world (and ironically, all the progress that brought films like Avatar into existence in the first place). The villains here are the humans who come from the dead Earth which they stripped and raped of all its resources, and yet have managed to create vast interstellar corporations which can hire massive private armies as much (if not more) power than the real ones. Giovanni Ribisi plays the corporate shill with only an inkling of conscience, and Stephen Lang plays the dangerous and ruthless Colonel Miles Quaritch. While I enjoy Lang in any role, and he does his best with this badass, driven good ol' boy soldier, we are unfortunately not given any reliable motivation for why this corporation is willing to commit genocide over Unobtanium. Yes, that is the name of the precious mineral the humans are trying to mine from Pandora (OLOL), the world on which the action is set. The natives here, the Na'vi, are a tall and graceful (and blue) race of tree-huggers who have a spiritual and biological connection to the world/goddess around them. If this all sounds familiar, you may have read Don Debrandt's obscure sci-fi Paul Bunyan parable novel Timberjak some years ago.

Our protagonist is a paraplegic marine (Sam Worthington) who is taking the place of his late genetic twin in a program where he is placed in a genetic Na'vi body to help a team of scientists, including Sigourney Weaver (who is trying hard not to play Ripley) communicate with them, and learn about their world. In addition, Colonel Quaritch wants Jake Sully to find out strategic information so that the Na'vi tribe can be relocated and the world's largest supply of Unobtanium filched from the ground, which surprise surprise, happens to be right beneath their giant tree house! The sounds you hear right now are your fellow moviegoers trying to hold in their vomit. Now, consider that the Na'vi seem to have a good grasp of English, at least a few of them. Would it not have been possible to actually communicate with them, make a fair deal? If it was clear the Na'vi were 100% against this idea in the first place, why spend so many resources on these proxy clones? And why in the name of FUCK would so many private mercs with nary a gas mask and bulletproof vest risk their lives and limbs in such a dangerous environment, willfully battling a guerilla army in a magical zone where they know their electronic automatic sighting and communications will be hampered?

You already know everything that is going to happen in this movie. You knew it before I wrote a single word in this review. Yes, it turns out Jake Sully will be THE CHOSEN ONE who frees the NA'VI from the oppression of the Evil Imperial Post-European Army! Darth Vader may have had a Tie Fighter, but Quaritch and his goons get Battletech-like armored suits and fighter craft lifted from a wealth of sci fi inspirations (you may find them similar to vehicles in FPS games like Halo or Unreal Tournament). In a grand and ridiculous final battle which made the Ewok revolt or the Flash Gordon hawkman battle look sensible by comparison, we are served all the geek-porn in creation so that our minds can be distracted from the truth: Avatar's story sucks a fat one.

It's a tragedy, truly, because the world of Pandora is beautiful. It's highly detailed, with lush fluorescent vegetation, gaggles of unique flora and fauna both lovely and horrifying, and a real sense for biological economy delivered through the civilization of the Na'vi. The special effects are astouding and much, much work (years I hear) went into their creation. The Na'vi are fluid and believable as an alien race, quite catlike in their graces and speaking a mesh of what sounds like Russian meets Spanish. About the only downside is that they're just an idealized version of American Indian cultures. They're powerful, but not immortal, and they don't need to be...since their planet/goddess can suddenly coordinate all wildlife to take down them evil Europeans!

Yes, the last 1/4 of this 3:00 hour film is devoted to utter stupidity and a textbook happy ending. We discover that THE CHOSEN ONE could be hurled to the earth by tons of metal mech and barely scratch a rib. We discover that a military force with vastly superior firepower suddenly abandons all advantage and common sense to pursue a ground campaign where one would obviously not be needed with a few more sweeps of missiles and incendiaries. Most importantly, that bald headed dick soldier monkey is TOTALLY gonna die, right? Avatar begins to fail as soon as it becomes Braveheart, and the story is simply too one sided to have any resonance with me. It's not playing this for laughs. Most of the actors do a decent job with what they have, and the setting is believable. But it's time, Hollywood, that you hired real writers for your movies. A few tweaks, a little more depth, perhaps a little motivation for MegaWickedCorp #67264 besides just the ching of cash...and Avatar could have been a real contender.

Tied in with the corniest pseudo-African/Indian choir-driven score I've heard since The Lion King, I seriously had to fight back the tears at this movie, even if it was better than Titanic. There are some truly terrible scenes here, most of which dominate the latter quarter of the film. But I stopped caring about the characters long before that. It appears that 2009 will not produce a masterwork the likes of The Dark Knight or the Wrestler. Avatar is not nearly as bad as, say, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Bile, or 2012, or Transformers 2: Revenge at the Box Office, but it's weak. It becomes quickly apparent where all that money was spent. I'm awarding it 5 points for the special effects alone, and I do believe it's something you should watch, if only for that. But once again, I find myself underwhelmed and left hollow by a hype machine. No wonder foreign films are kicking our ass...you know, the ones with good stories?

Verdict: Indifference [5.5/10] (YE'LL NEVER HAVE ARRR FREEDUMMB)

http://www.avatarmovie.com/

GLORIOUS! THE BEST MOVIE SINCE STAR WARS! TRIUMPHANT! UNBELIEVABLE! I HAVEN'T FELT THIS WAY SINCE I WAS A KID.

(the checks are in the mail)

2012 (2009)

Let's be honest. As soon as everyone saw the first trailer for 2012, we knew exactly how the movie was going to play out. A big budget Hollywood disaster film with oodles of special effects, near death escapes, moments of touching human drama, a cast that would represent the diversity of our cultures and how they would all somehow come together in moments of dire need. There would be death, but never too gruesome since it's almost all CG. There would be questionable science.

I am here to say, yes, we were right.

We've already seen this movie. A hundred times. Deep Impact. War of the Worlds (the Tom Cruise remake). The Day After Tomorrow. Independence Day. Yes, this is the same film, only starring John Cusack and an ensemble of other known actors in various predictable roles. Danny Glover is the President of the USA. Amanda Peet playing every mother who has divorced the main character in every film ever. Oliver Platt as the White House hardass who has to make the big decisions, which of course casts him in the light of the Great White Villain of this film (even though not a single decision he made was unreasonable...). Chiwetel Ejiofor and Thandie Newton as the bright young romantic interests. Perhaps the best character in the film is Woody Harrelson, playing a hippie conspiracy theorist radio DJ who gets the best scene in the entire movie. As for the rest? I could not have cared less. Oh, actually I like John Billingsley (Dr. Phlox, etc) in this film too. He's typecast as another scientist, but it's always good to see the man making some pay. Isn't it time we just gave him a film of his own? At any rate, these actors are just the tip of the iceberg. Stephen McHattie, Patrick Bauchau, George Segal and a slew of others appear in smaller roles.

You already know the story to 2012 because you've seen it before. If not, well, take this as your spoiler warning. A remote scientist discovers a strange, terrifying change in our universe? Check. An Indian copper miner has discovered that a large solar flare creates a neutrino storm that can microwave the Earth's core. Next, to convince THE MAN about the problem! Check. One of our protagonists (Ejiofor) is called in and then has to make his awkward report at the middle of a social gathering to the President's Environmental aid (Platt). Will a 'Noah's Ark' plan be enacted to save the rich that can afford passage once the shit goes down and the world blows up? Check. The arks are impressive here, giant armored ships that can take a beating while the Earth settles down. Because, sure, everything is alright in the end, if you've got a Billion Euros. Those evil whites and Chinese are once again flexing their economic muscles, even towards a world WHERE MONEY WILL NO LONGER HAVE VALUE BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DEAD. Though, grudgingly, as Platt's character admits, the Arks could not have been built without the money. So we'll leave this as a neutral point... Hell, in this film, Cusack's eye-rolling, emo boi is even named Noah! Thank you Captain Obvious!

Through the usual cliche string of coincidences, almost all the characters are connected here in some way. Characters you see in brief scenes at the beginning of the film will play important roles later. Cusack's Jackson Curtis happens to be a failed writer who Dr. Helmsley (Ejiofor) has read in the past, and takes his kids out to stumble across research conducted at Yellowstone by the government after a lake there has dried up. Then the troubles begin, and the film becomes a series of hair-raising escape scenes as Curtis and his family first flee the destruction of California in a limousine, then the destruction of California in a small aircraft...and then, hooking up with rich Russian Yuri Karpov (to whom Curtis was a chauffeur, for his pudgy twin sons, another coincidence), they manage to escape once more in a larger aircraft, in a stretch of film redundancy I hadn't witnessed since the underwater sequence in The Phantom Menace. You know all this from the trailers already, and I won't spoil anything else.

Because who cares about the fucking story? Or the drama? What we want to see in this film is DEATH and DESTRUCTION. And though a lot of people die (probably 99% of the world's population), we see very little of it, aside from CG ragdolls being knocked into chasms in the Earth or implied death from flooding as characters watch the waves come (which has zero impact, since we've seen it already many times). The destruction can be impressive, the CG artists certainly spent long hours on this film and the scene of California getting it, though nothing new, is a wonder that brought tears to my eyes and popcorn into my stomach. No offense, Californians, but everything is your fault. So if your state gets destroyed here or there...well, it gives me a little joy. I am more or less kidding. Anyway, we do see some peripheral destruction (Italy, India, Hawaii) but not nearly what I was hoping for. Perhaps the most beautiful scene in the film is where Harrelson stands atop a ridge in Yellowstone as it blows up, though here the science comes into question, since Yellowstone's supervolcano erupting would probably coat most of the atmosphere in ash and prevent the rest of the movie from appearing as it does...

But alas, noone expects a science lesson from an idiot like myself, nor for a Hollywood blockbuster. This is Roland Emmerich, who himself gave us The Day After Tomorrow, 10K BC, Universal Soldier and the mostly awful Godzilla remake. He has only one good movie to his credit, Stargate, and a lot of people even hate that one. So what did we expect? Not much. And this is what we got. Nearly 2 1/2 hours of nothing except cliches, far too staged touching moments of family and bonding, all wrapped up in CG destruction. About the only positives I can grant the movie are that it's long length is not really a flaw...the film moves along at a good pace and the dramatic, predictable flourishes are kept brief. Also that the effects crew did some nice detailing, there are some scenes where skyscrapers are falling and you can see so many objects inside them, it must have taken some time to sculpt. As for the acting? Well, Harrelson is fun, and it's good to see a few genre greats (Billingsley, McHattie, etc), but the rest are really just here for a paycheck. I hope it was worth it, Mayans.

Verdict: Fail [4/10] (Camping sucks! And so does this movie!)

http://www.whowillsurvive2012.com/

Who will survive? Let me guess, the principle actors in the film and the beautiful women of their lives and their beautiful children and fuck everyone else!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

Cate Blanchette is so hot.
She can speak Russian to me any time.
While I touch myself in the dark.

The kid studying in the library, to whom Indy delivers the one liner after crashing his motorcycle, should be the next Indiana Jones.

Wouldn't that make a lot of sense?

But alas, sometimes, even some random jerk on the internet in the throes of nerd rage...is smarter than George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.

Fun fact: If the next Indiana Jones film passes the fedora to Tarzan 'Himself' LeBeouf, I may just abandon civilization for a land of killer red ants and strange tribal men who hang around in ancient temples all day camouflaged within the walls, waiting for infamous archaeologists and bad kid actors to ambush. But what happens if I want a cigarette? Or to scratch an itch?

Talk Russian to me, Cate.
Talk Russian to me.

Verdict: Fail [3.5/10] (Aliens from another fucking dimension? It should have been ATLANTIS, you hacks! Was that just too obvious? No, let's go with aliens, guys, it's a wrap. WASTE OF CATE.)

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)

DEAR ALIEN NANITES,

Do us a favor. When you finally arrive to extinguish all traces of our species from the Earth, please, for the love of God...whatever God, from whatever planet...please, START WITH FUCKING HOLLYWOOD, including Will Smith and his offspring.

THANK YOU ALIEN NANITES.

-Autothrall

PS: Scott Derrickson, please do not rape HYPERION or PARADISE LOST like you did this classic film. Those too are beloved things written by people with taste and intelligence, for others with taste and intelligence, i.e. probably not you. Do they pick directors by lottery now? Thanks again.

Verdict: Epic Fail [1/10] (1 point for Keanu, who against all odds, is the only part of this film that did not completely suck... put that in your pipe and smoke it)

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

One of the few items on this blog as old as I am, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre has stood the test of time as one of the all-time great horror flicks. Though the film is 35 years old, it still remains as fresh to mine eyes as it did when I watched as a teenager. In fact, my admiration for the film has only grown. Part of this is the superb direction of Tobe Hooper, one of my favorite helmsman for this genre. Whether producing a masterpiece as this, or even a dud, his work is almost always fascinating and fun.

The story is based on an urban myth, which is actually bogus (take that, viral marketing of the future!). A group of five young men and women are visiting a Texas graveyard which has been vandalized by grave robbers, and then decide to head to the old homestead of handicapped Franklin and his sister, beautiful Sally. En route, they have a strange encounter with a hitchhiker who engages Franklin in conversation about the local slaughterhouse, before cutting himself and taking an unwanted picture of the group in the van. He then proceeds to cut Franklin, and gets kicked out, but before the group can pull away, he smears his own blood on the side of the van in some sort of figure. From there, the group hits up a local gas station unsuccessfully for fuel, and decides to go to the homestead. There is something fishy about the farm house next door...and you know the rest! If not...what the fuck is wrong with you? Go rent this film today.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a tantalizing film. From the opening shot of corpses impaled upon a gravestone, to the final chase scene, I cannot peel my eyes away. Despite its strange host of characters, what makes the film so strong is its plausibility. Interesting, if strange, conversations that seem on the fly, like they were real. A finite group of victims, a finite group of antagonists, and a series of brutal slayings that is also pretty realistic. Leatherface is no supernatural force of nature, he's just a mentally imbalanced fruitcake with a chainsaw and a dead skin mask. The Hitchhiker and the Cook are also extremely memorable villains. I'll never forget that first conversation in the van, nor will I forget the Cook's bizarre shifts of morality.

There is so much positive to say for the film. It uses its locations very well. A little piece of rural, decaying Texas serves as the perfect stalking ground for this family of nutjobs. The farm is littered with creepy baubles, the remains of various people and animals are converted into furniture, or just left lying around in this redneck charnel house. Everything shown in the film hints at a much wider mythology in the universe of the film, one that was unfortunately not explored in the lackluster sequels (or the boring Michael Bay remake). The film also makes great use of various times of day, from the afternoon opening to the following morning's climax. The soundtrack is superb. Aside from the country and folk rock tunes on the radio, sparse ambience and percussion is used to perfect effect in every gripping scene.

These would all be reasons enough to see the film, but really, where would it be without good acting? Gunnar Hansen is the best Leatherface ever, going far over the top, as he makes creepy animal sounds and shifts his huge bulk about in a chainsaw dance. You will never forget his subtle motions. Edwin Neal and Jim Siedow are even creepier as the Hitchhiker and the Cook. Even Grandpa is frightening, though he does next to nothing. As for the protagonists, the gorgeous Marilyn Burns truly sells the film. She seems realistically terrified through her first chase scene, and on the verge of madness when she is caught and 'brought to dinner'. Hers is a better maiden in distress performance than many I've seen in the past 35 years. The rest of the cast is rounded out well (in particular Paul A. Partain as the wheelchair bound Franklin), though they have less important roles.

You're best to ignore the sequels. Only the followup, Texas Chainsaw Massacre II, directed by Hooper, comes close, but even that is pretty lame. Ignore the remakes. They suck. The original film is the only one that matters, and it is possibly the best of the 'slasher' works to date. The saw is the law, folks. A film worth every frame.

Verdict: Epic Win [9.5/10] (shut up you bitch hogs!)

Zombi 2 (1979)

Zombi 2 is considered one of the classic, early zombie films, and also one of Lucio Fulci's more notable works, but after viewing it I could not tell you why. It does have many of Fulci's trademarks, like a suitable level of gore and characters who stand around waiting to get killed, when they could easily escape their deaths. These devices may have worked in The Beyond, which was a random but unsettling film, but they're not enough to rescue this steaming lavatory trip.

***SPOILERS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE***

With the exception of a surreal underwater scene in which a topless diver is assaulted by a zombie, which then goes hand to hand against a shark...the first hour of this film is a complete fucking waste of time. There is nothing entertaining going on. Boat floats into New York City, with a zombie on board, which proceeds to bite a local cop and begin the infestation of the city...which we do not see...until one scene at the very end that shows a line of zombies crossing the Brooklyn Bridge. The rest of the film is based around a woman who travels to the island of Matool to find her father, a researcher. On the way, she meets up with some Nordic looking Italian dudes and beautiful women who are our zombie fodder.

After an hour of dull exposition and character development that went absolutely nowhere for me, I was finally treated to some zombies and death. There's a memorable scene where a woman gets her eye impaled. Most of the other deaths involve the characters standing there while a zombie bites them, but there are a few gruesome moments, and the makeup is pretty good in true Fulci style. Then again, there are other deaths which lack any real visceral impact, so the last half hour is truly a mixed bag.

One highlight of the film is the soundtrack of Fabio Frizzi, with some creepy synthesizer work that is a characteristic of most memorable Italian horror of its day. It really pops out at you, especially when we finally cut to the chase and Matool 'comes alive' with all its zombies. Though I tend to loathe 99% of all horror remakes, this film has a plot which might be well served by a revisitation. Or perhaps just a new, better film with a similar script. This is not one of the better Fulci films I've seen, frustrating in the way I felt about City of the Living Dead (though that had some admittedly creepy scenes). I'd recommend The Beyond or perhaps House by the Cemetery over this.

Verdict: Fail [4/10]

Prince of Darkness (1987)

Prince of Darkness is a 1987 supernatural horror film directed by John Carpenter. While it's not one of his best, it does manage to generate enough suspense that I would recommend it, especially if you enjoy his other films.

***SPOILERS & PHYSICS***

Basically, a secret priesthood, the Brotherhood of Sleep, has been keeping a strange relic, an alien containment device, for thousands of years, though the device dates even beyond that. A dying man gives the key to the device's location, in an old urban church, to a priest (Donald Pleasance). Desperate for help, Pleasance implores Pr. Birack (Victor Wong), a noted expert of both applied and theoretical physics, to translate the ancient text of the Brotherhood and help stop the relic. Birack brings in some scientist colleagues, a translator, and his own advanced physics class, few of whom prove very useful, so that we can have an actual body count. The device starts to possess worms, insects, and homeless people, before moving on to the scientific team, and they start picking each other off. Mayhem ensues.

Prince of Darkness is all the more frightening for its implications than any actual scares. We see a dude consumed by beetles collapsing limb by limb, people spitting psychokinetic fluid into each others' mouths to possess them, and some decent if lame makeup work. The plot is extremely hokey. I will buy that Jesus was an alien here to give us the technology to stop the Anti-Christ from awakening through this demonic relic, but why build up all the powers for this demon if its sole purpose is to reach through a mirror and pull his daddy, Satan Sr. into the world? Seems like a waste of time to me. But alas, it's part of a 'prophecy', the shittiest plot device ever. Also, I noticed Satan's hand was big and red and clawed...much like the satan in the cartoon they are showing in an earlier scene. That was silly (but fun).

The acting is alright, but I could care less about the romantic leads played by Jameson Parker and Lisa Blount. More interesting are the regulars Carpenter brought in from his other films, like Victor Wong and Denis Dun (Big Trouble in Little China) and Donald Pleasance (Halloween). Alice Cooper has a small role as one of the possessed homeless folk that surround the church, and he's actually pretty good. The effects are interesting, but often the makeup looks lame. My favorite set piece was the chamber in which the relic was being held, surrounded by crosses and candles, but it was pretty much forgotten for the second half of the film. The Carpenter synth score is sufficient.

Really, the best thing about this film is that it has that same freakish direction and atmosphere which permeates Carpenter's better films. It's bizarre enough that you'll want to stay tuned and see what happens next.

Verdict: Win [7/10] (I've got a message for you, and you're not going to like it)

Black Sheep (2007)

Really, it was only a matter of time...

Part kiwi sheep comedy and part tribute to campy horror schlock of eons past like Night of the Lepus (1972) or The Killer Shrews (1959), Black Sheep is a New Zealand film directed by newcomer Jonathan King, and stars a largely unknown cast.

Henry Oldfield returns to his family's successful farm after 15 years. He left when his father fell to his death off a coastal cliff in a herding accident. As a result, Henry has a severe phobia of sheep. He has returned to claim a check for half the farm, from his brother Angus. Angus was ruthless with the sheep as a child, and ruthless even to young Henry, who he would play pranks on. Gee, I smell poetic justice on the horizon! Angus and a team of mad scientists have come up with a genetic formula that can mutate sheep with human DNA to look better and act smarter, and when a pair of hippies (including the lovely Danielle Mason as Experience) decide to spring some sheep, they wind up stealing and releasing a mutated infant sheep. All hell is about to break loose...

***BAA BAA SPOILERS***

The first thing you'll notice is just how beautiful New Zealand is, YET AGAIN, on film. If you watch this in HD you'll see sweeping, lush landscapes courtesy of some stunning cinematography which is far too good for this film. The makeup and special effects are likewise top notch, from the piles of gore left sopping about to the transformation sequences (man to goat...goat to man...goat to......goat). They remind me of Peter Jackson's early films, probably not a coincidence. It seems quite a budget went into producing what was likely some kid's college film project. There is a satisfying level of gore in the film, but several of the death scenes are annoyingly left to the imagination: we see an attack, we see the aftermath, but we are left blank on the actual kill. They almost make up for this during Angus' presentation scene, when an army of mutant sheep converges on the guests and slaughters them brutally, but so many of the 'victims' look like they're laughing while being maimed that it's not as effective as one would hope.

The story is rather stupid, and there are numerous situations which involve throwaway toilet humor that I probably wouldn't find funny if I was still 5 years old. If you're into special effects and New Zealand scenery, or stupid horror films in general, then this is well worth a viewing. I especially liked the sheep-man wereform, which was pretty damn cool. And yes, the poetic justice goes above and beyond what you're expecting.

Verdict: Indifference [6/10]

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Morality sucks! And so does this film!

I've always lauded the Scream series as being the low point for the slasher film, generic crops of beautiful people scythed down by a masked killer, sequel after sequel, an audience full of airheads, but I've decided the time has come for fairness. The slasher film blew chunks long before the original Scream ever hit the theaters, and Wes Craven himself was already one of the guilty parties.

One of the worst possible snafus you can place in a horror film is an antagonist who follows no rules, who can do essentially anything he/she/it wants. This is the reason so many shitty ghost films fail to elicit any horror, because the ghosts use any random tactic for a cheap 'scare'. Without a finite sense of place (i.e Alien, The Thing, and every other classic horror film), and a framework to work in, there can be nothing truly terrifying. So a maniacal serial killer who murders you in your dreams, where he can teleport, and do just about anything the film requires to kill a few minutes in the death scenes, is not my #1 choice.

The film stars John Saxon and a young Johnny Depp among a cast of relative nobodies, and Robert Englund plays the iconic dream slasher Freddie Krueger. Englund definitely had the look and the charisma to engrave the character into our collective pop culture, but every other character in the film is awful, the kind of awful that has you staring at your watch, waiting for them all to die so you can get the fuck on with your life. Unfortunately, they don't all die. Everyone knows the plot of this film: dream stalker picks off the cool kids in an average suburban town.

Did you seriously just tear open a feather down with your claws, Freddy? THAT IS NOT SCARY BRAH.

Even if viewing this from a nostalgic point of view, the film is bad. It's bubblegum. The acting is bad. The script is bad. The gory scenes are simply ripped from others (The Exorcist, etc). The score is typical of the 80s mainstream horror, and I like the synths, but they don't add much by way of atmosphere since everything playing out on the screen is so lousy. It's not scary at all, even for the 10 year old Autothrall who was so excited to have his daddy bring him to the matinee. And shall I even get into the long string of sequels which are even more worthless than this original? I like Jackie Earl Haley as much as the next guy, but I fail to see how even he will help resurrect this ailing, miserable franchise when they release the inevitable remake in 2010...yeah...Michael Bay...yeah.

25 years might have passed, Craven, but I still want my freakin' money back!

Verdict: Fail [3/10] (Hey, up yours with a twirling lawnmower!)

The Strangers (2008)

The home invasion horror flick has seen a resurgence in recent years, what with the remake of Michael Haneke's Funny Games last year and The Last House on the Left remake earlier this year. Neither was very good, and though The Strangers is a new property, loosely based on a real story, it also leaves a lot to be desired.

Brytan Bertino directs, Liv Tylers plays the role of Kristen, and Scott Speedman is her boyfriend James. After a wedding, a drunken James brings Kristen back to his father's isolated summer home. The two are having a lovers spat over a marriage vow, but shortly they'll find they have much bigger problems. A trio of masked psychopaths has decided the couple will make the perfect mark for a night of bloody entertainment.

The film is often erratic, with its characters making some unexpected decisions, but this actually lends to the realism being attempted. The musical selections on the record player in the house are quite good, they add to the mood. The pacing is quite nice, and the film hones in on creating real scares rather than just layer on the gore, but at the same time, it's just not very interesting. The three 'Strangers' cut freakish figures in their masks (especially the bagheaded male, who looks depressed in his cover), and they make up for their lack of any real menace by making some calculated, intelligent decisions on how to keep the leads terrified. The end of the film comes fast, it's under 90 minutes, and the resolution is very predictable and dull.

***SINISTER SPOILER***

I've read that a sequel is in the works, and Liv Tyler has signed on for it...so it's obvious when she screams at the end of the film and grabs the little Christian kid who discovers her in the house, she's probably not dead. I'm assuming the sequel will involve a revenge plot, and in my opinion this sort of contradicts the gritty realism of this original.

The Strangers is not the worst I've seen, but the villains are not as diabolical as Funny Games (not even as wild as Michael Pitt's character in the remake). The leads do what they can, with what they are given, but Liv Tyler is at that level where you just kind of think it's Liv Tyler in the film, and not a prepared role. The film is pretty short, and weak as far as content, but if you enjoy this sub-genre of suspense horror, you might want to give it the once over. It's nothing to write home about, even if that home is being invaded by three masked, murderous mischief makers.

Verdict: Indifference [5/10]

http://www.thestrangers.net/

Nightmare City (1980)

Originally titled Incubo Sulla Cittá Contaminata, Nightmare City is another early 80s horror film from the madman Umberto Lenzi. In my recent review of the hideous Cannibal Ferox, I had mentioned that he had directed some movies that were actually fun. Though in some areas it leaves much to be desired, Nightmare City is one such 'fun' film.

News reporter Dean Miller is awaiting an interview with a scientist at the airport, when an unidentified plane lands on the strip. The plane fails to respond to the tower signals, and when surrounded by the army, the door bursts open. The scientist and a terror squad of 'zombies' jump out and begin attacking the soldiers. For the rest of the film, the zombies tramp about the city and countryside, killing and/or converting everyone they come across. A few survivors eek out their last moments trying to escape from the nightmare.

Now, these zombies are a strange lot. They're not really even zombies, per se, but humans that have undergone some radioactive treatment that makes them very hard to kill, and extremely violent. Some of them appear to be decaying, at least their heads and hands, while others show only a few drops of blood on their faces. Many look like an animal took a squat on their heads. Through most of the film, they run about cackling and killing others with knives, but they can also equip guns if they want. They're not really stupid, and they seem to have a plan for the takeover of this region. Mexican born Hugo Stiglitz plays newsman Dean Miller, who is attempting to save his wife, a doctor, and he spends most of the movie fleeing from the zombies with the same, confounded look on his face. It's quite funny.

And speaking of faces, the film always takes these close-up shots of zombies as they are either about to kill someone or about to be destroyed themselves. It's a hilarious technique, especially since these actors look like regular joes and can make a wide variety of interesting faces. The movie is somewhat gory, a few zombies will rip off women's shirts to expose their breasts before stabbing them (and often eating said breasts). They seem to have a taste for blood.

Despite how goofy it all seems, the film does manage to elicit some horror from the viewer. These things are out to kill, and the population of the 'living' is dwindling by the moment, as more and more are transformed into raging killing machines. This is a long time before 28 Days Later, folks, and has that same sort of empty, apocalyptic vibe. There is such a long stretch of scenes of killing that it is difficult not to become engaged in the feeling of doom. The soundtrack is quite good, with a lot of creepy bass and proggish synth that were common for horror films of the period.

The end of the film is extremly frustrating, and worthless, but you could say the title was a 'dead giveaway'. It's cliche, and unnecessary, detracting from the 90 minutes you just spent viewing it. Still, Nightmare City is thrilling and fun enough that I'd recommend it to fans of campy but creepy zombie horror, at least to watch through once.

Verdict: Indifference [6.5/10]

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Two years after its filming, the mockumentary Paranormal Activity has incited a storm of buzz that nearly rivals its stylistic predecessor The Blair Witch Project. Filmed on a low, low budget of about $11K, Paranormal Activity is the simple tale of a San Diego couple who are experiencing a haunting. The film uses no special effects, no gore, so it is up to the principle actors and some off-screen noises to try and sell the story to its audience.

Clearly, by the wealth of positive response this worthless, 90+ minute heap of shit has received, I am living in a world where most of the population has either lost its mind, or become compromised somehow...might be aliens, might be a shadow government, might be cats. I don't know. Normally this line of thought leads only to confrontations, but never in my life have I been so convinced of some sort of mass media conspiracy to overhype such a shoddy and pedestrian film.

Let's be completely honest. Take one of the horrible re-enactment scenes from any of those full-of-shit 'paranormal', 'reality TV' shows (like Paranormal State). Change the scene to first person with a camera, stage a single house, and then throw every generic ghost movie cliche possible at the audience. The floor is creaking upstairs. A demonic whisper can be heard. A door moves on its own. A ouija board moves by itself! Something leaves baby powder on the floor in weird patterns with footprints. A trap door to the attic is suddenly open. Sheets move on a bed. OH NOES! MOTHER FUCKING GHOSTS & DEMONS R SO LIKE SCARY. Alongside these 'hauntings', the relationship of Katie and Micah begins to dissolve, since we are subject to the usual genderization politics: the guy wants to solve the problem, using technology. The girl just blindly accepts all that is happening, she's the smart one, the believer! But she's also possessed! The two attempt to present a realistic series of conversations and events, but who cares?

I sincerely hope this mockumentary style dies in a fire, and soon. The Blair Witch Project was alright, a little strange and morbid. [*REC] used the technique to create a believable, if average, zombie film. Cloverfield at least had a giant monster trampling a city, which tickled me...somwhere...even if the movie kind of sucked. Paranormal Activity offers NOTHING, and the ending is dumb as a stump.

I do not care if someone is 16 years old. Or 30. Or 60. Or born YESTERDAY. There is nothing even remotely frightening about any part of this film. The cliches have been filmed thousands of times before, and in almost all cases, more effectively. The interpersonal conflicts feel forced, like the director is trying to provide some actual substance alongside the extremely boring supernatural elements. I didn't care whatsoever for either of these pretty young people who live in a nice home and expect me to believe they have a problem.

As someone who converses with demons and ghosts on a fairly regular basis (oh just trust me, believe me, I am telling the truth), I can assure you that:

1. They have already graduated from this life.
2. They could not care less about you and your problems.
3. They think you are extremely stupid.
4. They would never harm or kill you, because they have no desire to share their afterlives with you.

One point for a Monty Python reference and a few seconds of death metal.

Verdict: Epic Fail [1/10]

http://www.paranormalactivity-movie.com/

The Mist (2007)

Frank Darabont is no stranger to Stephen King's fans, nor moviegoers, having been responsible for the big screen adaptation of The Shawshank Redemption, one of the most beloved films ever released, ranking quite high on critic and aggregate all-time lists. Although I didn't enjoy the film quite that much, I do respect it, and Darabont has also adapted The Green Mile. He's also done some decent horror flicks in the past, such as the 1988 update of The Blob.

So it's not much of a surprise that The Mist turned out well. It's in good hands, and Darabont even takes a twist with a finale that author King admits was better than his own version. Though Thomas Jane is the central figure of the film, it's loaded with an ensemble cast of veterans like Andre Braugher, Toby Jones, William Sadler, and Marcia Gay Harden (who rocks in this film).

After a violent hurricane, neighbors David Drayton (Jane) and Brent Norton (Braugher) travel to the local shopping center of their coastal New England town, with Drayton's young son. A mist that Drayton had seen earlier across the water traps the trio (and a few score other townsfolk) in the local supermarket. Though some quick introductions, we are given that 'small town' New England sense of community that is used in most King stories. Horror ensues as those that travel out into The Mist are killed by various, horrific, creates which seem to resemble almost Cthulhoid versions of normal animals (crabs, squids, spiders, etc). The morale of the townsfolk slowly becomes unraveled, and divisive factions begin to form, somer rallying beneath the 'Christian' sin and punishment of local madwoman Mrs. Carmody (well portrayed by Harden).

Things will not end well if Drayton and some of the other 'sane' survivors can't get out of there, so they calculate a plan to escape and drive as far as they can, which leads to some of the most disturbing (and ironically beautiful) scenes in the film. I've skipped a lot in this synopsis, including most spoilers, but that's because I encourage you to see this film for yourself!

The Mist is well acted and rather tense. It's a great situation for a horror story, in which people must face the unknown and their own fears, and I was glued to the screen throughout. The creature effects are decent, including a few of the larger creatures you see in the mist which must be amazing. Though some plausible explanations are offered throughout the film for the cause of this homicidal, alien mist, Darabont is wise in not offering any concrete answer. Could the mist have come from a dimensional experiment carried out at the local military facility? Could it be the apocalypse that Carmody preaches of? Could it simply be preying on the fears of those who experience it?

We may never know, and we don't need to! The Mist is a scary film, moreso for its implications than the monsters and small amounts of gore contained within. I expected very little and wound up impressed. The ending is just fucked. And awesome. Darabont has done a wonderful job, and since his next King adaptation is my favorite of his stories, The Long Walk, I am dripping in anticipation.

Verdict: Win [8/10] (you got that kid killed, and I got his fucking blood on me!)

Corpse Bride (2005)

The Nightmare Before Christmas was one of the best fairy tale films I’ve ever seen, with its excellent Danny Elfman soundtrack, unforgettable characters, wondrous plot, and amazing stop-motion animation. I loved that film enough to see it four times in the theater, and bought the soundtrack immediately after the first viewing. When I learned that Tim Burton was going to re-visit the gothic, stop-motion style for a new film based on and old Russian-Jewish folktale, I was very excited!

It turned out that the Corpse Bride was a disappointment, but a BEAUTIFUL disappointment. The stop-motion animation, coupled with the advanced effects of the 21st century, creates a fascinating, gloomy world, not a far cry from Halloween Town, and a little more consistent. This is offset by the more colorful Land of the Dead, where numerous scenes are set, and is more reminiscent of the underworld from Beetlejuice. The film is so aesthetically pleasing that it’s a joy to watch, even though the tale itself wasn’t as impressive as Nightmare.

The dour Everglots and the fishmongering Van Dorts have arranged a marriage for their children (cutely named Victor and Victoria), which will financially benefit one or the other family. Though the awkward Victor kicks it off with the sweet Victoria, his clumsiness at the rehearsal earns him a ‘chill out’ in the graveyard woods outside of town, where, during a mock wedding vow, he accidentally places his ring on the skeletal finger of Emily, who perished while waiting for her bride to be (the diabolical con man Lord Barkis Bittern). Victor is brought to the Land of the Dead by his unfortunate bride, and chaos ensues from there, with a climax both sad and happy.

The Corpse Bride makes for a stunning sight, as she whirls about in her wedding garb and eye catching blue hair. Think Sally from Nightmare, but hotter…and voiced by Helena Bonham Carter. In addition to Carter, the other usual actors show up: Johnny Depp as Victor, Christopher Lee as Pastor Galswells, plus Albert Finney, Emily Watson, Deep Roy, Danny Elfman, and many others. The voice work in the film is consistent and excellent, though the music is nowhere near as memorable as Nightmare Before Christmas. The one song I enjoyed was the duet between black widow Mrs. Plum and Maggot. Humor abounds in this film, from the caricature-like characters to a slew of puns, some of which succeed, others of which are too dry and simple. It’s great for the kids, but be warned, it’s a little morbid (like most Burton films).

Again, I’d recommend watching this for your eyes to pop out of their sockets. It’s a marvel, and you can tell the animators put enormous effort into every frame of the film. The rest of the film is passable, an effective gothic fairy tale, but I was not blown away as I was in 1993 with its spiritual predecessor, which remains one of the greatest films in memory.

Verdict: Win [7/10]

http://corpsebridemovie.warnerbros.com/

Nochnoi Dozor: Night Watch (2004)

Night Watch is an urban horror fantasy film based on the novel by Russian author Sergei Vasilievich Lukyanenko. This film adaptation was quite popular when it was released, even earning a limited opening in US theaters, and like any adaptation it takes liberties from the source material. In fact, both the Night Watch and Day Watch films are adapted from the first of Lukyanenko’s novels, Night Watch, which makes it all the more confusing… but screenwriters, directors and studios have never been known for making decisions that actually make sense, so the audience is left to sort it out.

You’ve probably heard the mythology of this universe before: there are ‘Light Others’ and ‘Dark Others’ who once warred over the fate of the world. These two factions consist of all manner of supernatural figures: hedge wizards, shapeshifters, clairvoyants, vampires. Sounds pretty similar to…many other properties, including the original World of Darkness game universe from White Wolf. In the reality of the film, the two sides have created a truce, since they realized their endless fighting would only result in their mutual genocide. Since that time, the Night Watch was formed to monitor the Dark Others, and the Day Watch to monitor the Light Others. If the Light vs. Dark theme wasn’t already derivative enough, there are various events that take place involving ‘prophecies’ and a ‘chosen one’ Other who will one day tip the favor of the balance between the Light and the Dark. During the events of this first film, a series of conflicts and clues leads the two sides to converge over the cursed ‘Virgin’, who is unknowingly responsible for the summoning of a Vortex of Damnation which could destroy the human world. It is up to the Others to resolve their differences and cease this from happening. Along the way, there is a twist.

That’s all I’m going to tell you about the story, because frankly, it’s weak. So I’ll tell you what’s good about Night Watch: it is very successful in taking its arcane customs and various supernatural oddities and placing them in conjunction with the reality of our 21st century world. The various rituals and abilities of the Others are very low key, and they have the ability to remain unseen in a supernatural realm known as The Gloom (sort of like The Umbra from the World of Darkness). This results in a rather seamless and slick moving series of events as we are quickly introduced to the characters and shuffled along towards the climax.

The special effects in Night Watch are pretty interesting. The film does not shy away from uncomfortable scenes like a witch performing a remote abortion, or the lead character Anton getting a pair of scissors through his hand. There are also some beautiful scenes which
create a nice balance between the urban Moscow environment and this supernatural otherworld (the raven scenes in particular are quite good). The score is reasonable, though the use of chugging, shitty nu-metal reminds me of bad videogames from the 90s. The actors are decent, in particular the faction leads Geser and Zavulon, performed by Vladimir Menshov and Viktor Verzhbitsky. But I didn’t really feel a connection to any character in the story.

The world of Night Watch is one that I’d like to explore further, but unfortunately that wasn’t to happen in this film, as it races pretty quickly to resolve its silly prophetic conflict. As far as urban horror fantasy films, I do prefer this to the fashion-first, retarded Underworld series. The characters here feel much more real than the gothic horror archetypes of those films, and this creates a better atmosphere.

Also, DO NOT WATCH THIS IN ENGLISH. Trust me.

Verdict: Indifference [6.5/10]

http://www.foxsearchlight.com/nwnd/