Zombie Strippers! (2008)

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Paper Heart (2009)

In which Michael Cera perfects the art of being Michael Cera. Which is not as cool as being Jesse Eisenberg.

In which America realizes the culmination of awkward, independent films that have spawned from our emo, victim culture.

In which Seth Rogen actually appears in a film worse than Pineapple Express, which no one ever thought possible.

In which Autothrall found his patience tested upon the precipice of pulling the trigger, just to see if The Other Side has better movies than this one.

I have another idea for an indie flick. We film two squirrels sharing an acorn. For two hours. Maybe one will run up a tree. Maybe one will be run over by a motor vehicle, testing Darwin's Law. Maybe one will ask us to stop filming. Then we'll cut out 30 minutes so it will be more palatable to the teenage demographic, who will be busily texting away in the front row about Michael Cera, or nude photos of themselves which they will later regret. We'll screen it for a dozen or so independent film festivals, where people will probably walk out on it. Then we'll screen it in theaters, under the guise of Paper Heart, using the same title, showtimes and all.

No one will know the difference.

Verdict: Epic Frail [.5/10] (Queue that Haddaway song. Okay, squirrels, once more. Let's make it romantic, and let's make it hot.)

Black Sheep (2007)

Really, it was only a matter of time...

Part kiwi sheep comedy and part tribute to campy horror schlock of eons past like Night of the Lepus (1972) or The Killer Shrews (1959), Black Sheep is a New Zealand film directed by newcomer Jonathan King, and stars a largely unknown cast.

Henry Oldfield returns to his family's successful farm after 15 years. He left when his father fell to his death off a coastal cliff in a herding accident. As a result, Henry has a severe phobia of sheep. He has returned to claim a check for half the farm, from his brother Angus. Angus was ruthless with the sheep as a child, and ruthless even to young Henry, who he would play pranks on. Gee, I smell poetic justice on the horizon! Angus and a team of mad scientists have come up with a genetic formula that can mutate sheep with human DNA to look better and act smarter, and when a pair of hippies (including the lovely Danielle Mason as Experience) decide to spring some sheep, they wind up stealing and releasing a mutated infant sheep. All hell is about to break loose...

***BAA BAA SPOILERS***

The first thing you'll notice is just how beautiful New Zealand is, YET AGAIN, on film. If you watch this in HD you'll see sweeping, lush landscapes courtesy of some stunning cinematography which is far too good for this film. The makeup and special effects are likewise top notch, from the piles of gore left sopping about to the transformation sequences (man to goat...goat to man...goat to......goat). They remind me of Peter Jackson's early films, probably not a coincidence. It seems quite a budget went into producing what was likely some kid's college film project. There is a satisfying level of gore in the film, but several of the death scenes are annoyingly left to the imagination: we see an attack, we see the aftermath, but we are left blank on the actual kill. They almost make up for this during Angus' presentation scene, when an army of mutant sheep converges on the guests and slaughters them brutally, but so many of the 'victims' look like they're laughing while being maimed that it's not as effective as one would hope.

The story is rather stupid, and there are numerous situations which involve throwaway toilet humor that I probably wouldn't find funny if I was still 5 years old. If you're into special effects and New Zealand scenery, or stupid horror films in general, then this is well worth a viewing. I especially liked the sheep-man wereform, which was pretty damn cool. And yes, the poetic justice goes above and beyond what you're expecting.

Verdict: Indifference [6/10]

Zombieland (2009)

I'm hoping Zombieland is the last gaggle of flesh-eating corpses we'll see on the screen for some time. I don't say this because it's bad, on the contrary, it's a lot of fun, so much so that I left the theater smiling and asking myself "Okay, what more can they do with this genre? Best to end on a high note." Zombieland is essentially the American answer to Shaun of the Dead, a film that has comedic elements but still manages to be one of the best post-apocalyptic zombie films ever crafted (though it lacks for much horror).

*SHAMBLING, BRAIN-STARVED SPOILERS AHEAD*

First, the opening credits to the film are the best I've ever scene for this genre, badass scenes of battle vs. zombies set to "For Whom the Bell Tolls". How cool is that? The film follows the journey of a quartet of survivors after this universe's version of the zombie apocalypse. Columbus is a geek, an ex-WoW player who creates a system of personal rules through his use of logic and pop culture reference to avoid a grisly death at the hands of the undead (sort of a Zombie Survival Guide with legs). He is played by the awkward Jesse Eisenberg (of Adventureland, essentially the Michael Cera who does not suck). Tallahassee is a redneck zombie asskicker played by Woody Harrelson, and by asskicker, I mean this guy revels in the creative destruction of zombies. He'll even forsake guns against a small number of the undead to destroy them each with a separate weapon (in one fantastic supermarket scene). Wichita and Little Rock (played by Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin) are a pair of young sisters and con artists who have also somehow survived, though one extremely idiotic decision late in the movie makes me question how. Emma Stone is obviously there as the 'cool girl' love interest counterpart for Eisenberg (much like Kristen Stewart in Adventureland). She gets a few decent scenes, but it's the typical 'the world has ended but I look great in my eye shadow' Hollywood casting. I did like Breslin but she doesn't do a whole lot in the film, and I almost would have preferred some cooler survivors to round out Columbus and Tallahassee (the older woman who wins the 'zombie kill of the week' in a quick scene by rigging a piano to drop on a zombie pursuer would have been fantastic).

The four travel around to various locations in their quest for 'home', kicking some ass along the way. There's a nice cameo used in the film, though you are given more than ample warning (it works for the film, but it wasn't nearly as thrilling as others had told me). What I really enjoy is that the film tries its best to avoid most cliches of this genre (with the exception of the Eisenberg-Stone relationship which had my eyes rolling). The zombie fights are fun and what few effects they use are well placed and work seamlessly. The gore is bone crunching and satisfying. When they're fighting the zombies in the amusement park the film actually uses the location to its advantage. Shotgun + roller coaster + lotsa zombie slayings? Check. Tower of terror to escape zombie horde? Check. Reverse shooting gallery? FUCKING AWESOME. The music throughout the film is quite good, it gets the blood racing. The dialogue is genuinely funny. The constant use of Columbus' rules (text flashes across the screen) had me in stitches.

I honestly have very few nitpicks for the film. As mentioned earlier, the film could have benefited from another more interesting survivor in its ensemble (the stone sour Stone was meh). Also, in a film which displays just how obviously the zombies react to provocation (through sound, etc), the decision to 'turn on' an amusement park by the two girls at the end was quite idiotic and contrary to the survival instincts I felt these characters portrayed early on. But alas, this same decision led to some great actions scenes.

That the best zombie films in the past decade are comedies is quite telling. Zombieland is no masterpiece of cinema, and not quite enough to match Shaun of the Dead in the humor division, but it's the most fun I've had at the theater in months. I highly recommend seeing it with some friends or even bring the girlfriend, mine is not a horror/zombie buff but she had a blast regardless.

Verdict: Win [8.5/10] (fuck this clown)

http://www.zombieland.com/

Run Fatboy Run (2007)

When I first heard about this movie I was pretty excited; another comedy starring Simon Pegg, of whom of course I'm a huge fan. As is the case with most films recently, I did not see it in theaters, and having caught it on television I'm happy I didn't shell over the nine dollars at the box office. It's something of an odd movie: shot in London by a UK production team, directed by an American (David Schwimmer), yet featuring a pair of British comedy mainstays along side Hank Azaria.

Spoilers ahead, I guess

Story wise it borrows somewhat from the 1979 Michael Douglas picture Running which I have not seen, the treatment by Michael Ian Black, then that treatment written for the screen by Black and Pegg. Yeah, I don't know. But what we have in this movie is a cookie cutter romance comedy with some lewd humor kept within PG-13 constraints. An overweight department store security guard who left his pregnant girl at the altar five years back still pines for her, despite her relationship with the corporate douchebag (Azaria) who is outwardly perfect a la Patrick Bateman, without the psychotic interior.

Needless to say, I had the ending worked out literally 13 minutes into the movie (I checked the time) and I was on the mark. Dylan Moran, one of the aforementioned English mainstays, plays Pegg's offbeat best mate, a womanizer who is not employed and yet lives in a London flat, regularly playing cards and otherwise dicking around. Literally. You'll understand if you see the movie. Okay, you won't see it. He's shown a couple times without his pants on, from behind, as a gag of some kind. Also making an appearance from the Edgar Wright circle is Peter Serafinowicz, unfortunately just doing voice work. Various other English sitcom denizens are sprinkled throughout.

The movie looks decent if a little boring visually (this is a very sterile London), and Pegg is watchable even with this decidedly mediocre material. Obviously in good shape coming off Hot Fuzz, he dons some kind of torso cover to give him man boobs and a gut, and it's not a very convincing effect. However, this is an independent movie that apparently had budget constraints and did manage to shoot in London with a 10,000 person marathon at the finale, so I have to give some credit for pulling that off, and actually making it look convincing.

It's a shame to squander talent like this, and while I did have a few laughs, there was nothing here to make this anything other than a one-time viewing. Actors rarely, if ever, hit on all their movies, and Run Fatboy Run is not terrible. It's just not good.

Verdict: Indifference [5/10]

http://www.runfatboyrunmovie.com/

Drag Me To Hell (2009)

You are likely hearing this movie compared to the Evil Dead movies and it is not an unfounded comparison. Sam Raimi’s Drag Me To Hell is a mix of great horror and tension and some of the funniest stuff I’ve seen on screen in a long time. It has goat demons, gypsy curses, animal sacrifice and just to keep things light an anvil gets dropped on someone’s head.

Alison Lohman is no Bruce Campbell, but she’s enjoyable and charming enough to elicit a bit of empathy which is rare in these types of movies. Additionally, like Ash she doesn’t take the demon’s abuse lying down. You’ll notice a handful of signature Raimi camera moves, but the budget differences are huge and he’s seemingly able to do whatever he wants here.

The basic premise involves Lohman’s character running afoul of a gypsy who places a curse on her. This particular curse involves three days of torment from what the movie calls a “Lamia” although it is obviously a Baphomet-like goat demon. On the third day she will do as the title says and be dragged to hell. What follows is a number of attempts to appease the demon and remove the curse.

The movie relies heavily on close camera shots, slow builds and loud sounds, followed by shock images like mouthfuls of bugs and eye-cake. Raimi pulls it off by keeping the tension at its peak for the entire movie. At just about an hour and a half in length each scene leads quickly to the next where the Lamia is fucking with Lohman in one gross/startling/humorous way or another. It is certainly worth seeing in a theater with a great sound system because the effects and music are completely necessary to the mood.

If you are sick of Raimi, horror-comedies, or goats that tell it like it is you may as well skip Drag Me To Hell. I spent the whole movie laughing hysterically.

Verdict: Epic Win [9/10]

www.dragmetohell.net/

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)

SPOILERS AHEAD. Not that you should care.

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave is apparently the fifth film in a series that goes back to the mid-80s, although you couldn't tell from watching it. The title tells you two things: zombies, cheesiness. While the latter is there, it's not in the fashion of Shaun of the Dead, rather in a hamfisted manner that isn't funny or entertaining unless you happen to enjoy movies that are just genuinely bad. The story is this: two gangsters (could be Russian or Italian, their accents are so bad I couldn't tell) are searching for canisters of toxic zombie gloop, one of which falls into the hands of a college student who uses it to create a new drug. It turns the user into a zombie, of course, and you can see where things are going considering the movie is named after a rave.

The zombies all look really unimpressive, most of them with just facial makeup, and their shambles are unconvincing when they bother to even try. What's more is there are actually not that many in the film. Even during the big party where a drug that literally turns you into a zombie, there's just extras running around in the background and no horde to speak of. The one makeup job that is actually pretty good is an apparent holdover of the series, a single toxic zombie who feels tacked on, and never gets into any action. Literally. He's pointless in the movie, looking scary and yet used as a comic relief briefly and uneffectively.

The characters are cardboard cutouts, and after watching the entire movie last night I could not tell you their names. I even glanced through the cast on IMDB, and the only thing I recognized from the entire body of work was one girl's work on the Buffy spin off Angel. It definitely shows in their acting, and the editing doesn't do them any favors. Pauses between lines simply go on too long. There's no real pacing, the movie is simply stuck in first gear from the getgo. The wardrobe looks like stuff middle schoolers or high school freshmen would wear.

There are some half-decent zombie deaths, but as far as humans go, it's bad. They bite the skull directly nine times out of ten, and it looks more as if they're pulling red hair off the scalp than doing any damage. The movie has the occasional appearance of breasts to keep you awake, and wow, is it ever needed. One good thing about the movie is it looks decent, like a glossy studio comedy. However, whatever credit that might have gave it is pissed away in a part where there is strobing lights that will literally make your eyeballs hurt. I had to look away.

A look at the DVD case art would lead the inexperienced buyer to think that this movie is legitimate, which is unfortunate as it is a steaming pile of shit. I could go on and on about how bad this movie is, but I think I've already wasted enough of my time with this cash grab failure. Stay far away.

Verdict: Epic Fail [0/10]

http://www.returnofthelivingdead4and5.com/

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Looking at the title, Shaun of the Dead is obviously a zombie film parody, but the great thing about it is that it is better than the vast majority of zombie flicks out there. Written by Spaced alums Edgar Wright (also directing) and Simon Pegg (starring), with numerous others appearing in the cast from that memorable, short-lived UK sit-com. The film revolves around Shaun (Pegg), distraught electronic shop employee seemingly stuck in a dead end job, with a girlfriend growing tired of his repetitive barfly social life (among other things), and tension at home between his best friend Ed (Nick Frost) and his other flatmate, Pete (Peter Serafinowicz). One night, things erupt for Shaun. It's just his shit luck that at this same time the dead are rising in London.

The film is riddled with pop culture references of all kinds, a la Spaced, usually revolving around other zombie films, Spaced itself, or various Star Wars movies. However, where that show had frequent flashback/fantasy sequences, Shaun of the Dead moves through at a steady clip. Clocking in at 99 minutes, it's only a little over an hour and a half, and yet it feels nothing like that, not dragging at any point and leaving you wanting more after the credits are rolling. Performances are good all around. Sarcastic comic/actor Dylan Moran puts in a memorable and hilarious performance as Shaun's girlfriend's friend's flatmate (phew) David, cast wonderfully.

Spaced and Shaun of the Dead both have a particular charm about them that is hard to put into words, combining dick and fart jokes with clever gags that connect seemingly normal comments to later incidents, as well as the fact that the movie is shot beautifully, with two identical extended steadicam sequences coming to mind. Shaun travels all the way from his flat to the corner store and back -- once as things are normal, and the second during the midst of the zombie invasion, with Shaun oblivious to this, hung over. As for action, there is plenty of it, as well of course hilarious and disgusting gore.

Shaun of the Dead is just all around executed to perfection as a zombie spoof, and it's unlikely that if you are reading this blog you haven't seen this movie. However, if you haven't, what the fuck are you waiting for? Find it, watch it, enjoy.

Verdict: Epic Win [10/10] (you've got red on you)

http://www.shaunofthedeadmovie.com/