Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

In yet another nail in Brendan Fraser's career coffin, he stars in this shoddy vehicle which DARES to take the name of the 1864 Jules Verne story. This is no remake, although it makes numerous references to the original. And if you thought The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor was wretched (and oh, it was wretched), you may be shocked to learn that he has starred in a film inferior to that within the same year!

About the only positive thing I can say for this story is that somewhere, the intent was innocent. This was a film about some geologists who discover that the Verne story is actually based in reality. Professor Lidenbrock really discovered this lost world within the bowels of the Earth, and his exploits were followed over a century later by a curious adventurer /scientist. When this explorer disappears, his brother (Fraser) and nephew (a yo-yo slinging brat played by Josh Hutcherson) discover through his notes that he was a Vernian. They fly out to Iceland, meet mountain guide/romantic interest plant Hannah (played by Anita Briem who looks lost through half the film), and set off in pursuit, getting themselves trapped and then narrowly escaping a series of too-close situations in true, lazy, uninspired Hollywood fashion.

Now, I LIKE the idea of Verne's story being real...and people finding this out through an adventure. That's where the sole point came from. This could have been a passable movie, especially for the kiddies. Fuck, it could have even been a more serious film. This Journey is neither. It's a consistent string of mediocre special effects, bad acting and situations which will have you increasingly rubbing your temples and asking yourself 'why'?

For starters, the characters move through the environments so quickly that we never get a chance to actually appreciate the wonder of this long lost world. As soon as they arrive, the next disaster awaits and they are shuffled along through improbable feats of ingenuity. They quickly dispatch carnivorous flora, giant flying fish and subterranean thunder lizards with nary a bead of sweat (hell they hardly appear to be sweating in 110+ degree cavern climate...) I can buy a lack of reality or proper physics when it comes to some stupendous action flick, but for fuck's sake: this could have been done with the SAME actors, edited better, given better dialogue, and used nearly the same set of events with a more realistic approach. And it would only have benefited.

You'll never once feel any real danger for any of the characters, since their situations rarely reflect reality. During a mine cart crash sequence, we are expected to believe Anita Briem's character can stand straight on a push cart while plummeting many miles per hour, and then jumping across to another cart! We are expected to believe a massive T-rex like beast exists in a barren dry cavern network with a bunch of skeletons. How many pounds of meat would such a creature need to survive? The writers and director (Eric Brevig's directing credits to date included episodes of Xena the Warrior Princess...) are in such a rush to hit you with a joyride of forgettable action sequences that not once do any of the stunts elicit any wonder or 'wow factor'.

I didn't catch this in its 3D incarnation, but I doubt that would make a difference. A flying fish leaping at you through the screen has nothing on Jaws. The acting couldn't be worse if delivered via telephone. During several scenes we get a close-up of Briem screaming in terror, so unconvincing that I almost broke down in pitious laughter. Fraser tries to appear vulnerable and "Rick" O'Connell at the same time, but it's another mediocre performance (his innocent swagger worked well in the first two Mummy films but he has since been unable to recapture it). We're a long way from School Ties, my friend.

I'd like to say there was a good score or super special effects to grant some salvation to this monstrosity, but such things do not exist for this film. The creatures look silly, the effects average at best. Even some of the green-screened backgrounds look rushed and terrible. A proper remake of the Jules Verne novel with a good budget and believable actors would be welcome, but it's a pity they couldn't have titled this Journey from the Center of My Rectum, because the smell is quite comparable. Will the insistence to dumb down entertainment for 'family' entertainment ever cease?

Verdict: Epic Fail [1/10] (Green shist, white shist, micro-guarded shist... )

http://www.journey3dmovie.com/

Kalmah - Swampsong (2003)

It seems that Kalmah has become one of my favourite metal bands these days - creeping up my last.fm charts until the point where it has become the number one metal band I have listened to in the last 6 months (last 12 months is still Blind Guardian). This is largely due to albums like Swampsong and The Black Waltz.

I love Swampsong. It is easily Kalmah's best album (of either vocal style) and it's easily one of my favourite metal albums. It was just one of those albums where everything just clicked for me - from start to finish.

"Heroes to Us" opens the album with a fast power/thrash type song that sets the tone of the albums. "Burbot's Revenge" follows with a song about a burbot (a freshwater cod) getting revenge on a fisherman by ripping his net - a song only Kalmah and the vocals of Pekka Kokko can pull off. "Cloned Insanity" is another insanely fast thrasher, with simple but catchy lyrics. "The Third, the Magical" slows the album down a bit, reminding me of a little of Eternal Tears of Sorrow, only better. "Bird of Ill Omen" is the fastest and harshest song on the album with extremely catchy political-themed lyrics - definitely one of the best songs on the album, and only behind the last song on the album, "Moon of My Nights", a slower song with interspersed piano sections that changes into a song of pure anger and depression. Love it.

Not only was this the last album before Kalmah took their four year break, but it's also the the last album where Pekka Kokko sings with the vocal style heard in Swamplord and They Will Return - a wet black metal scream that only a swamp-loving Finn could have. Great voice.

Verdict: Epic Win [9.5/10] (A gift of today's world...)

www.kalmah.com

Quake Live (beta) [2009]

Quake III Arena was a big thing for me at its release, one of the first first-person shooters I truly invested myself into. It was fast-paced, arcade-type action, with simple, yet memorable weapons. The railgun. The BFG. Of course, the rocket launcher. Friends would come from all over my neighborhood to play. Good times. Now, like some wet dream of mine, it's back. It's free. It's playable in your browser, with a Steam-esque friends utility built in for organizing games with your comrades. Also included is the latest trend in games, in-game achievements.

To those who have never played Q3A, it's a straightforward FPS in terms of your objectives, with these game modes: Deathmatch (kill everyone else until a frag limit, or time limit, is reached), Team Deathmatch (kill the other team), and Capture the Flag (you know this one). Also included is Duel (one-on-one with someone) and Clan Arena (kind of a Duel for clans). While those are basic game modes, the action itself while playing is unique to Quake. Your character is very mobile, with a relatively fast run speed compared to other FPS games, and also bolstered by the jump pads usually strewn throughout a level. You can also rocket jump. Yeah, that's as fun as it sounds. Those aforementioned jump pads throw your character to where they point, and often times connect with others so you can quickly get out of a sticky situation and find yourself in an entirely different area of the map.

The characters that populate it consist of space biker mercenaries, re-animated skeletons, aliens of all kinds, and cyberpunk chicks on hoverboards, among others. You can choose any of those at your leisure from the settings menu. Settings vary from combat on hovering platforms in the vacuum of space (where knocking people off with splash damage, and not falling yourself, is often key to success) to the tight quarters of occult temples. An in-game announcer details the vital things as well as when you do something like frag several people in rapid succession. Further increasing the frantic gameplay is the fact that usually players are constantly spawning all over the map, with no delay. Also notable is the no-frills HUD which is highly customizeable.

The game is in beta, but the gameplay is smooth, and I've yet to experience any bugs in either the game itself or the browser-based UI. The game is seemingly intact from its Quake III: Gold iteration, with no trite additions to gameplay or weapons. The HUD has been streamlined, however. As I said, the game is played directly from your browser, that being IE or Firefox in Windows XP or Vista, but id plans on branching out to OS X and Linux eventually. How the browser connectivity works is summed up on Wikipedia:

“The program is a modified version of Quake III: Gold and executed as compiled code on the user's processor, the user downloads the game in the background as a part of the registration process and interacts with the program either through a browser plugin that can be embedded on the webpage or as fullscreen.”

No Flash or derivations thereof. After signing up, you download the client while going through a quick tutorial and training match with Crash to determine your skill, as the game suggests servers for you based on your talent relative to the players there. Note that you don’t have to follow these suggestions.

Quake Live is a terrific idea, executed well, and hell, it’s free. If you’re looking for a game to try out with friends, give it a shot. Nothing to lose.

Verdict: Win [8/10]

http://www.quakelive.com/

Amon Amarth - Versus the World (2002)

Versus the World is the fourth album from Amon Amarth, and it's one of my favourite albums they ever released. For this album the guys decided to go for a slower and more melodic sound. This change is also accompanied with a unique production sound like no other album in their discography - choosing instead a sound that is reminiscent to Bolt Thrower.

What I'm trying to say is that this album is Amon Amarth playing songs they've written after listening to a lot of Bolt Thrower. But they still write about their usual topics: death, Norse mythology, war, etc. And it's awesome.

The opener "Death in Fire" is a classic Amon Amarth song, with a chorus that I just can't get enough of - and I doubt the crowds can either. "For the Stabwounds in Our Back" is another fast song, and it showcases the first hints of the more melodic sounds heard later in the album in "Where Silent Gods Stand Guard," "Across the Rainbow Bridge," "Thousand Years of Oppression," and "...And Soon the World Will Cease to Be." All really melodic songs, with really great lyrics. "Down the Slopes of Death" is a doomier song, with some great bass from Ted Lundstrom and drums from Fredrik Andersson. "Bloodshed" is another fast crushing song and the title track, "Versus the World," is probably my favourite song on the album with its thundering Amon Amarth sound that is just so killer.

This album is great. Better than anything they released before, better than Fate of Norns (...), and equal to the latest two With Oden on Our Side and Twilight of the Thunder God.

Editors Note: Listen to it with a loose neck and at least 2 barrels of mead nearby (tap optional(?)).

Verdict: Epic Win [9/10] (DEATH IN FIRE)

www.amonamarth.com/

Yyrkoon - Occult Medicine (2004)

Yyrkoon, another in a long line of brilliant metal bands from France, draws its name from the saga of Elric. Despite always wanting to read it, I haven't, so if that name connects into their music at all I couldn't tell you. However, I have a pretty good feeling this album is unrelated to that fantasy series.

The title is fairly self-explanatory as to the lyrical content of the album. Mad doctors, twisted experiments, the living dead, and so forth. Musically we have death metal with a thrash component, along the lines of Darkane. There's a fair amount of atmosphere strewn amongst the frenetic tunes, and Yyrkoon aren't afraid to bring some melody to the table -- so expect some departures from the death metal onslaught. They are not pervasive, though.

The fifth track, the title track, opens on something of an ambient passage, the beep of a heart monitor along with nightmarish, skittering strings, sounding (very) briefly like a long-lost sibling of Bohren & der Club of Gore. We hear the sounds of a tesla coil before the song truly begins. The backbone riff of the song is somewhat technical, energetic and yet still dark. Stéphane Souteryrand's somewhat accent-inflected vocals fit right in, ranging from death growls to more straightforward clean singing and everything in between. The lyrics seem to be slightly hampered by the band's limited grasp on English, but their English is a hell of a lot better than my French, so I can't complain much.

"Revenant Horde" is the sixth track, and is about zombies. I'm for it. "Reversed World" expands further on that topic. All in all the album is very enjoyable, and it does its subject matter justice. My main gripe with it is after repeated listens the songs begin to blend together somewhat, keeping it from reaching a higher score from me.

Verdict: Win [8.5/10] (madness begins where your reason stops)

http://www.yyrkoon.net/

Thurisaz - Circadian Rhythm (2007)

As wont as I am to deny it, even I need the occasional respite from the breakneck blitzkrieg of today's black and death metal on occasion. The otherworldly atmospheres created by bands like Summoning, Alcest and Drudkh cater to the needs of the aural escapist at least as effectively as the eschatonic battery of any number of extreme metal groups do, and though the Belgian Thurisaz's 2007 release Circadian Rhythm is little like any of the above in terms of form, fans of the aforementioned bands' ethereal sonic atmospheres will find a lot to love.

Circadian Rhythm opens with a discordant piano chord to jar you from your mundane state of mind, a brief pause to let you wonder what's going on, and then soothing, progressive layers of guitarwork and synths to draw you into their dreamworld. The second track, Falling, kicks the album into full gear with rhythmic mid-paced blastbeats, chugging guitars, progressive rhythms and vocals that contain not only death growls and blackened snarls, but also clean vocals and even moments of spoken word, with multiple types of singing often layered on top of one another. The song builds up and shifts constantly, but the songwriting and airy production keep the listener hypnotized rather than thrashing about.

The rest of the album more or less follows suit, keeping a consistent tone in spite of the album's constant twists and frequent little surprises, like the sample in Point of No Return and the acoustic guitar overlaid with static in the curiously un-busy Fading Dreams that lends the tune a strong scent of nostalgia, like a favorite song on a dusty old record player.

As the album and song titles all but state outright, Circadian Rhythm is all about dreams and being swept away in them, and the record is perfect just-before-bed listening. Though it can get boring after a few consecutive spins, at least after you've listened to it as many times as this reviewer has, this is a great record, full of creative songwriting and perfect for any fan of atmospheric metal.

Never will I take part in this carnival of lunatics
Never will I recognise men's fate
Only one though that conquers the mind
The ultimate ride out of this misanthropy

Verdict: Win [8/10]

Sarke - Vorunah (2009)

Sarke is no newcomer to the black metal industry, having drummed with Tulus, Khold, and Old Man's Child among others. For his debut solo album he has wisely teamed up with Nocturno Culto (Darkthrone) and made excellent use of his grim vocal stylings. Sarke himself performs the rest of the instruments.

As for the material, it's a matter of returning to the roots of extreme metal and then twisting them into a personal vision. Sarke is both familiar and unusual at the same time, a hybrid of black, thrash and doom metal with some fine use of organs and keys for atmosphere. This is the perfect marriage to Culto's distinct, gravel throat, and in its own way, creepy. Also interesting is the very straightforward production on the album, it's got a mix ala some prog rock record you'd hear in the 70s. The album sounds perfectly 'clean' despite the bite of the performance. Some might assume this would sap away some of the duo's energy, yet it doesn't.

"Primitive Killing" is the leadoff track, an entirely simple black/thrash with a dash of death metal feeling to the bridge riff. Drums are kept on a simple leash while the bass is noticeable mainly for the subtle atmosphere it lends the thrash riffs. Sarke's lead work maintains this simplicity. The title track "Vorunah" is slower piece which uses keyboards to create an excellent atmosphere during the chorus. One of the best songs here. "The Drunken Priest" has a cold, slow thrashing feel with some Celtic Frost and Slayer-like tinge to note selection, and once again the keys are implemented nicely admidst the heavy riffing. "Frost Junkie" is a wasteland of doom, black and crisp thrash, while "Old" is another tune similar to the title. "Cult Ritual" is another of the best tracks, the primitive riffs make subtle changes beneath Culto's vocal and it's essentially what black metal might have felt like had it been created in the 70s... "13 Candles" creates a symphonic piano backdrop behind chords and Culto, a nice departure from the rest of the material. Album closer "Dead Universe" is the fastest piece on the album with some blast beats, otherwise it is close to the prior material.

Vorunah is a fairly killer effort but its appeal may be limited to fans of both roots black and thrash metal and 70s metal. In other words, people who are actually cool. Sarke has truly captured his own nostalgic approach to the material, and having Nocturno Culto on vocals is never a bad thing, he fits right in with the vision and his vocals aren't a far cry from his Darkthrone material. This isn't perfect, there are a few dull plodding moments on the album and certainly room for growth, so I hope this isn't a one shot.

Verdict: Win [8.5/10]

http://www.myspace.com/sarkeofficial

Vomitory - Carnage Euphoria (2009)

The powerful distortion and punk/d-beat infused energy which has always permeated most Swedish death metal has seen quite the revival in recent years, with countless new bands forming as tributes to the original tone and style. Others have been at it for some time now, and at the forefront of these stands Vomitory, a band responsible for such devastating outbursts as Revelation Nausea and Primal Massacre. If you've heard one Vomitory album, then you've probably heard them all. But when a band is this consistent, I'm not complaining.

Carnage Euphoria is their 7th full length effort, and while it may not have the same shock factor that I felt first listening to a few of their past works, the quality is undeniable. "The Carnage Rages On" is a fast opening track which hardens the arteries but didn't throw me over the edge. It took the second track, "Serpents" to do that, grinding with menace across several Left Hand Path-worthy grooves dippsed in Slayer sauce. "A Lesson in Virulence" starts with a barbaric old school death/thrashing, Rundqvist bass plodding along with the perfect distortion as the band alternates between further Swede melodi-grind and some slower grooves perfect to sate any violent impulse. "Ripe Cadavers" lets the war drumming roll right into another of those d-beat/Hellhammer deathstyle rhythms which are so rarely pulled off with an air of menace. Not the case here. "Rage of Honour" is a little more pure grind, I heard a little Rotten Sound, or rather Napalm Death. "The Ravenous Dead" is one of the best tracks on the album, totally rocking out with some great death/doom rhythms and a bridge of pure evil. Other fist fucks include "Deadlock" and "Possessed", performed with exhilirating speed and callous brutality. "Great Deceiver" ends the album with an epic and evil flair to its opening melodies, with some sick verse rhythms.

The tone here is simply a beast, with just the proper crust of punishing fuzz to fuel these thrashing, grinding axeworks. It's probably the best sounding of all their albums to date. The band has actually been around for 20 years now, and have yet to waver from the path of true Swedish destruction. Their passion and energy for the form is relevant and practically unrivaled, and though it may not have impressed me as much few of their early butcheries, it belongs in any DEATH METAL fan's arsenal.

Verdict: Win [8.5/10]

http://www.vomitory.net/www2/index.html

Blood Tsunami - Grand Feast for Vultures (2009)

Blood Tsunami is a norse band, Grand Feast for Vultures is their sophomore album and the band is notable for a few reasons: singer Pete Evil is the host for MTV Norway's Headbanger's Ball, and drummer Bård G. Faust is recognized from many of his former bands (Emperor, Thorns, Scum, Aborym, etc).

Blood Tsunami is also one of those bands which insists on wearing its heart too openly upon its sleeve. They are 'thrash metal' and they clearly want you to know it! The previous album was fucking TITLED Thrash Metal, and the first lyrics on opener "Evil Unleashed" on this album are 'Thrash metal...' before a pastiche of cliches from 80s thrash albums like Slayer, Sodom and Destruction. All of this might truly render my enjoyment to shreds if the band wasn't so good in its delivery here. Energetic, riffing blackish/thrash metal with a load of vitriol, always breaking down at the right moment. I am reminded of earlier Maze of Torment or Bewitched with a bolder production.

Most of the tracks are faster paced and exciting, their vocals a mix of deeper grunts and cloying snarls. There is the marching opening to "Personal Exorcism", and the melodic barrage of "Nothing But Contempt" which stand out, but the truly great moments of the album come during its final two tracks, which are quite long for this style (one over 12, the other 10 minutes). In particular "One Step Closer to the Grave" impresses with its vile metal blues, only rarely picking up the pace for a lead though there is some sick double bass work in there.

Grand Feast for Vultures is a decent album, building off the debut. It has a few flaws, but these are primarily in the lyrics. They don't suck by any means, but anyone spending a Saturday afternoon mining and paraphrasing lines from their collection of mid 80s thrash metal albums could do a comparable job. Thankfully after the opening track they don't continue to beat you over the head with the 'thrash metal' shtick. We got it the first time around I think. In the end, I haven't enjoyed this album as much as I enjoy bands like Maze of Torment, Aura Noir or Audiopain who approach this mix with a raw authenticity, but Blood Tsunami are a more energetic outfit who are placed for success if the retro thrash really takes off, and this is a decent effort musically.

Verdict: Win [7/10]

http://www.myspace.com/bloodtsunami

Svart - Vanära, Vanmakt och Avsmak (2009)

The majority of the depressing black metal you hear today consists of a bedroom or basement recording, excess fuzz, 'distant' vocals through a volume knob and/or effects, and a whole lot of boring, slow riffs. Then you've got black metal which is actually depressing, relying not on a set sound but the actual structure of its riffs and placement of downward melodies. Svart is the latter, and this debut album offers a set of distinctly negative emotions.

Svart consists of one Draug, performing all but the session drums. He is a member of numerous other Swedish projects below the radar, including Livsnekad (which features the prolific Niklas Kvarforth of Shining, etc.). The sound here is something akin to Forgotten Tomb meets Shining, albeit something gentler on the soul than that combination might imply. The album journeys through a series of peaks and valleys which transport the listener to a grim landscape of sorrow.

"Livet Faller Samman" is the lengthiest of the compositions here, over 9 minutes, characterized by its churning rhythm guitars and simple placement of melodic notes which carve a haunting portrait of a slowly shifting landscape. The song picks up near the end with some blasting and then dissolves into a sparse doom. In all, I barely felt the track's length, a good sign. "In Endless Grief" is a shorter track that immediately caught my attention with a well written somber melody above some driving chords. There is a beautiful descent to this track which recalls early Amorphis or Katatonia. "Fördärvets Mästerverk" opens with a few moments of ambiance before a slow wall of despair crawls through. Though the shortest track here, "Då Glädjen Seglar Iväg" makes great use of samples and effects above its creepy pianos, the perfect soundtrack to breaking and entering a funeral home at night with a bottle of whiskey and a pistol with one bullet. The title track offers both glorious slower paced picking and a grooving black/doom subtext in the verse chords. "Medmänsklighet" is a longer instrumental with some more samples, the focus here is on the grieving tones of the acoustic guitar, and I enjoyed the simple swell of feedback at the very end.

Vanära, Vanmakt och Avsmak is a cut above most albums of its type in the production area, it all sounds great from the majority of its weeping chords to the few moments of distraction where the metal is turned off completely. Draug's vocals are hoarse and throaty, smothering the tracks with the weight of his hatred and grief. Most of the vocals are in Swedish. The album wraps up nicely, if you can call 43 minute of bleak suffering 'nice'. Highly recommended if you favor strong central melodies above a slow barrage of well chosen chords, or blackish/doom bands in particular (though the riff style here rarely crossing the line into doom territory). The non-metal tracks are equally enthralling. An excellent debut.

Verdict: Win [8.5/10] (until i collapse)

http://www.svartangst.tk/