Tankard - Pavlov's Dawgs (2022)

As much as I love the first three Tankard full-lengths, and enjoy some of their material since, there can be no doubt that a lot of their albums of the last 20 years suffer from a sameness syndrome in which you could swear you've already heard the riffs a half-dozen times. Of course, even this period had a standout for me in The Beauty & The Beer, and I cite that title because their latest, 18th (?) full-length Pavlov's Dawgs has a lot of the same sense of melody to it as that one. Rather than the more punk and splatter-fueled alcoholic thrash of their formative era, they've been infusing a lot more of a heavy metal sensibility into their tunes, which ends up working well below Gerre's vocals, because the guy's vocals are just timeless, and even here, almost 40 years after their debut, he still sounds fantastic.

The production is likewise pristine, a vibrant and iron-fisted rhythm guitar tone redolent of the last couple decades of Destruction, and everything is crystal clear, which works well to leverage the nastier vocals and then the melodic, well-constructed leads from Andy Gutjahr which are quite good here. Frank's bass thumps along heavily and Olaf's drums are flawless in his 28th year with the band. In fact, from a pure production/accessibility standpoint, Pavlov's Dawgs might be the band's highlight of the entire post-Disco Destroyer period, and sounds killer on every speaker I've played it through. The downside is that, while there's no question of the effort that went into this album, the tunes are just not highly memorable on any level of consistency. They sound like more of the same that you heard on the last 5-6 discs, with perhaps a slightly elevated sense of melody, but there aren't many killer chorus parts or riffs that truly hook you under the keg and fill you to bursting with mosh-brew.

Now, having said that, I am so attracted to the Tankard aesthetic in general that it's still a pretty decent listen if you just shut your mind off. I mentioned Andy's guitar playing, and that's a particular point which excels here, he's hurling in all these trad/power metal dual harmonies in there and you can constantly sense this potential to explode as he reaches some new level of six-string mastery. Though the riffs and rhythm section are rushing and crushing along through the entirety, the way the vocals soar almost creates a mellow vibe off the top, like it's intense and laid back simultaneously. While the tunes don't slay me, I also can't say it's boring, just like a very 'matured' version of this band which strides forward with full drunken confidence. The album does feel like Beauty & the Beer filler, so whether or not you're going to dig it might depend on your reaction to that one, or maybe 2017's One Foot in the Grave. It's probably impossible at this point that we return to the explosive controlled chaos of The Morning After or the steelpunk-driven Zombie Attack, but I'm alright with this, and I'll keep buying their albums even if just to support their determination and consistency.

Verdict: Win [7/10]

https://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - Hymns for the Drunk (2018)

The third in a trilogy of absolutely worthless compilations cashing in on the good Tankard name, Hymns for the Drunk is another unjustifiable release in the age of the cell-phone, the internet, the streaming service, where any fan of the band can put his ripped (legally or illegal) alcoholic thrash tunes into a random playlist and generate much the same result. While Noise and Sanctuary were the first two culprits with their Hair of the Dog and Oldies & Goldies anthologies, here it is AFM reprinting material from the Germans' five-album tenure on that label, including B-Day, Beast of Bourbon, the wonderful Beauty and the Beer, Thirst, and Vol(l)ume 14. They even include some stuff from the Best Case Scenario compilation which was already made up of re-recordings of early 80s material from the Noise Records years...yes, that is the sound of me smacking myself upside the head with a big fat mug of fucking nothing.

Now most of these albums were solid or better when originally released, and the material has not aged too poorly for a guy listening to it being reprinted in 2018, in 2020. The production is fairly even across those albums, so frankly a lot of the songs could have just been swapped between them and none would be the wiser. "We Still Drink the Old Ways" is present, my favorite Tankard tune of the 21st century, so at least someone had some common sense. Surprisingly, there are a lot of 'clumps' taken from the albums, like two tracks in a row on the original track lists that are also placed here in a row, somewhat chronologically. And most of the AFM new studio albums get 2-3 tunes, while the Best Case Scenario has four tracks, one of which is a medley...so even here the focus is on some of the same earlier material from older compilations, only the re-recordings, which as I've covered elsewhere, were completely unnecessary and lacked the charm of the originals in favor of a more streamlined studio presence with their 2000s fare (this worked well enough for Destruction but I really couldn't get into Tankard's attempt).

So what really can I say positively about this? If you've read my rants over money grubbing wastes of space like this, you know what comes next. If Hymns for the Drunk were being handed out at AAA meetings or elemental schools for free, to preach the golden gospel of Tankard, as righteous a faith as any, then I might go soft on it. But this is a product that'll set you back $15-20, entirely without any merit since any n00b interested in the Kings of Beer can just sample them from any number of sources, officially approved or not. The cover art is kinda cute maybe, or it would be as a beer coaster, but I mean unless this thing came with an actual functioning TAP attached to it, there would be no amount of gimmickry to overcome its vacuousness. There were no bonus tracks that could have been dug up from these AFM years, no rarities, that could have made this worth a piss? Why is this beloved, legendary band treated with such awful and ineffectual anthologies?

Verdict: Epic Fail [0/10]
https://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - Schwarz-weiß wie Schnee (Eagles & Tankards) EP (2017)

Tankard, football and alcohol have gone hand in hand in hand for pretty much the band's entire existence, culminated in the original  Schwarz-weiß wie Schnee EP back in 2006 through AFM records. Now that the band's enjoying its latest stint with Nuclear Blast, they've decided to go and 'update' that, gracing us with another limited edition CD and 7" EP which was presumably just as much a forgettable novelty as its predecessor. They've fattened this up with some other studio material we've already heard, a live gig, and of most interest might be another sports tribute bonus track which was available only as a video and a bonus track to the band's solid 2014 LP Vol(l)ume 14, which was coincidentally their last with AFM.

The punkier mix of the original "Schwarz-weiß wie Schnee" is reinforced with a more grandiose rendition, with audience participation and a more anthemic production. Of the two, this one feels like it's being played at you right from the stadium, and in fact that's where the video takes place, with an entire arena full of football fans cheering along...now to think, if only every person in that audience was buying Tankard records, they'd be the biggest thrash band in the world! So that is at last fun to see, that the band was allowed to perform this (possibly numerous times). Now I don't know much about Euro professional soccer, and to whether this is a really big deal, I'm a World Cup/national team guy, but it certainly looks like the band is jazzed up and sure they fucking deserve it. However, I think in terms of digesting the track, I prefer the original incarnation which sounds like it might have been lifted off an old mid-80s punk album only injected with some slightly thrashier guitars. But hey, you can compare and contrast them and choose for yourself.

Apart from these two versions of the same song, the EP is padded out with the studio title tracks to their albums A Girl Called Cerveza and One Foot in the Grave. Both good tracks, but rather useless except as random filler that I presume they wanted to expose to football fans that might like hard rock or heavy metal and haven't already heard the band until their football anthem. Their other sportsy tune, "Forza SGE", has been reproduced here from its status as a Vol(l)ume 14 bonus track, and it's another punk rock spin with shoutalong vocals and it basically just sounds like a bunch of drunken hooligans. No interesting riffs or anything to be heard. Finally, there's a live version of "(Empty) Tankard" live, another punk-charged piece that goes well enough with the other content, but it's kind of a murky, subdued live mix. So ultimately, there's not enough new or interesting here to recommend at all unless you are dead set on getting that new version of the football song, and even that isn't so great if you're not in the audience cheering before the kick-off or half-time. The original EP is nothing to write home about, but this is even less of a curiosity, a product that doesn't need to be.

Verdict: Fail [4.5/10]

https://www.tankard.info/

Destruction/Kreator/Sodom/Tankard - The Big Teutonic 4 - Part II EP (2015)

The original Big Teutonic 4 split was a fairly fun idea, so why not tap that well another time? That was Nuclear Blast's thinking as they rounded up the usual suspects for another go at some rousing NWOBHM covers. This time, each of the four thrash bands is taking on a different English forerunner, with only one of those bands (Maiden) being redundant with the original split. Raven, Saxon and Tank are all getting a turn to have some of their material in the spotlight. And once again, much of the material here has also been published elsewhere, so the value you're going to get out of it is pretty limited if you're not a long-term follower/collector of the German bands. As cool as it was to hear the slightly lesser known bands like Raven and Tank done justice, I was sadly less into this split than its predecessor.

Kind of like Sodom's cover on the earlier split, Kreator's version of Raven's "Lambs to the Slaughter" is one I've already been familiar with forever, since it came out on the Out of the Dark...Into the Light EP back in the 80s, and many represses of that with the Terrible Certainty album since. Sodom's contribution of Tank's "Don't Walk Away" is also an oldie that has been around since the days of the Agent Orange. Both are solid versions but they don't really change up the formula all that much, maybe in Mille's case but even he is trying to emulate some of the Raven screams with mixed success. I feel that Destruction's rendition of "Princess of the Night" is more of the transformation you want to hear when a thrash act is covering some trad metal, but it also comes off a little goofy with all the vocals and backing vocals going over it, cluttered where the original is just so elegant, perfectly written and executed. Bringing up the rear yet again, Tankard is the one band doing something exclusive here, with yet another Maiden cover, this one a somewhat exciting romp on their eponymous "Iron Maiden".

Part II sort of falters with the first two tracks being pretty obvious covers that aren't news to anyone, and Destruction's is once again a bonus track from various versions of Spiritual Genocide. Since these three were all pretty saturated in exposure and easy to acquire, I think this is less of a value than the first time around, which was already a debatable value. So once again, hardcore Tankard fans will benefit the most from having it. What's the most disappointing though is that the label and bands could have taken this idea and done something really special with it, like new original material...an 8 or 12 track 4-way Teutonic split with 2-3 new original cuts from each band would sell like hotcakes. But this just seems like a lazier followup to something that already generated a little cash flow and it shows in both the selection and the product.

Verdict: Indifference [5/10]

https://www.destruction.de/
https://kreator-terrorzone.de/
http://sodomized.info/
https://www.tankard.info/

Destruction/Kreator/Sodom/Tankard - The Big Teutonic 4 EP (2012)

Now here's an example of a split release between numerous thrash metal luminaries which, at least on the surface level, seems rather an interesting one. I agree completely with the designation of these four bands as 'The Big Teutonic 4', happy that Tankard was at last being counted among them (I'd been doing so since the 90s when it was clear they were persisting where others faltered). This was yet another CD being issued exclusively through the Legacy magazine out of Germany, but Nuclear Blast also released a version of it some months later, so...not so much. What's even more curious, is that this doesn't feature original songs, but rather covers of two titanic English bands in Iron Maiden and Motörhead, with two German bands taking on each of them. Unfortunately, most of these are NOT exclusive to this split, but taken from various other singles, past albums, or previously issued bonus tracks, by the respective artists.

The most obvious of these is going to be Sodom's handling of "Iron Fist", which we'd already heard as far back as Persecution Mania and even live on Mortal Way of Live. It's a classic, in the hands of either its originator or Tom Angelripper, and a natural cover from a band that draws so much of its own style DIRECTLY from those NWOBHM road-dogs, however at the same it was the inclusion I was least interested in, having heard it many times before. However, Destruction's cover of "The Hammer", which was only included with the Japanese version of Spiritual Genocide (that I had not heard), is quite nasty, Schmier plastering his version of the vocals all over the punk-fueled speed metal massacre. It's also a little messy in the right ways, not as tight as the original content those Germans were putting out, but that's fine in the context of this particular cover. Another of my favorites here is Kreator's "Number of the Beast", not the first time they've taken on Iron Maiden, but even though the music plays pretty close to the original, it sounds great with Mille's harsher vocals, and I loved the lead sequence. This one is also located on the later Violence Unleashed EP or the Phantom Antichrist single if you're trying to track it down elsewhere.

The thrashier version of "The Prisoner" that Tankard includes is also a good one, filthier guitar tone and filthier vocals via Gerre, but they still touch on some points of atmosphere that you wouldn't expect from the German drunkaholics. And as far as I know, this is the one cover that is only available on this particular split, at least for now, so if you're a Tankard collector, you've got the most motivation to snap this up. Now, if ALL of these songs were exclusives, then I'd say this was a CD or vinyl that almost anyone would want...the songs are all good, even if Sodom's contribution is a bit too redundant. And to be fair, many fans might not own most of the tunes elsewhere. It's a fun concept to round up these thrashers, legends themselves, and then watch as they don't toot their own horns, but cover even mightier legends of British heavy metal. If you can track one down, it's pretty sweet to have on your wall, even if the content isn't all that valuable. Not a necessary purchase, but neat if you've never run across these covers before. And to think, Nuke Blast and these same four bands would be doing it again in just a couple years...

Verdict: Indifference [6.75/10]

https://www.destruction.de/
https://kreator-terrorzone.de/
http://sodomized.info/
https://www.tankard.info/

Destruction/Tankard EP (2014)

The Pitch: Dude, two of your favorite German thrash bands have decided to release a split 7" together. It's totally limited, under a thousand copies, available in three vinyl colors and with some pretty cool cover art for each side that...looks a little much like cover art that both bands have released before, but try not to let that get in the way!

The Response: How many tracks? Are they exclusive? Is this one of those deals where each band is covering the other? Are they collaborations?

The Pitch: Well the Tankard track is also being released today on a full-length album called R.I.B., you know like Reign in Blood only its Reign in Beer! Surprised they never did that before. But the Destruction song, "Wildstyle/Immortality" is unique to this 7" as far as I know!

The Response: Well, that's somewhat less exciting, but let's check out this Destruction track. Hey, it's not so bad...sounds like a bunch of riffs that could have been patched together from anything they've put out from 2000-2014, but it's got that vicious energy they excel at, gnarly Schmier vocals, and a decent breakdown with lead guitar accompanying it. Nothing to scoff at.

The Pitch: I am so happy to hear you say that. So you want a copy? How about one of each color? Oh wait, you're not a Bronze Status Customer. I can only offer you the Red and White...

The Response: Nah, I'll just buy the Tankard album instead, and hope Destruction drops this on another album as a bonus track somewhere down the road. Thanks for nearly nothin'.

Verdict: Skimpy Fail [2/10]

https://www.destruction.de/
https://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - One Foot in the Grave (2017)

Tankard has long since hit a benchmark where they could fairly effortlessly equip the nasty brand of alcoholic thrash (which put them on the map) with more epic songwriting endeavors and a lot more of a traditional metal feel, resulting in some of their better 'modern' efforts like The Beauty and the Beer or A Girl Called Cerveza. I think a lot of that strategy of taking their roots and rendering them into a more glorious form is quite dominant here on their 17th full-length as well. And yes, I'm fucking grinning ear to ear that a band like the mighty Tankard is on it's SEVENTEENTH album, and has never really taken much of a break!!! Good things CAN still happen in this divisive and confused world, and the fact I can still look forward to new records by Gerre and crew is one of those, even if they don't always ultimately end up in the eternal hard-on I've got for classics like Zombie Attack or The Morning After.

Perhaps not so surprising that One Foot in the Grave functions best when it IS trying to define a little more of a melodic sound, as in the intros to "Pay to Pray" or the title track, which seem like really excellent setups for some great, memorable tracks. Alas, once we get to the actual pounding and thrashing of the tunes, they become a little more indistinct, and suffer from a sameness to the band's prior material which I've honestly been feeling on and off since this 'modern era' of Tankard had started with Kings of Beer when Andy Gutjahr joined on guitar. Now, don't get me wrong, I think Andy's a fucking ace riffer and a hero, and I credit his tenacity for a lot of the long-term relevance of survival of this band against the trendier nu-thrash landscape. But it might just be the band's very consistency itself that causes its own problem, because very rarely do I get super excited about the riffset being used through the verses or even into the chorus parts. Leads are well done, and there are some points where I feel that intensity and excitement, but it just doesn't completely scorch me.

Not a deal breaker, of course, because elsewhere, Tankard still sounds so amazing. Gerre's venomous voice works equally well with its more sustained phrasings over the more melodic, almost power metal feel of a lot of the riffs. The bass can't compete with the rich rhythm guitars, but it does sound fat and formidable where it can pop its presence out into the mix. The drums also sound extremely potent and, really, the production of One Foot in the Grave in general is just so excellent and well-balanced that it sounds perfect coming out of my speakers at any level. Lyrically this one doesn't focus too much on the pub crawling, but more on current events, which again is nothing new for this band, since they've always been about 25% getting smashed, 25% utter goofiness and another 50% singing to the choir about things that actually might matter in the world. To sum it up, this is yet another 'good' record from the Germans, just not necessarily great. Nearly on par with its predecessor R.I.B., but no cigar. A lot of the core riffing could benefit from a little more risk and unpredictability, but the stuff just sounds so pure and professional that it compensates a little for not having the most ear-sticking verses or choruses.

Verdict: Win [7.5/10]

http://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - Oldies & Goodies: The Very Best of the Noise Years 1986-1995 (2016)

I have a lot of nostalgia for the 80s roster of Noise Records, one of the brightest and best ever assembled, by a staff that had a pretty good sense for tapping into legends-in-the-making. It's honestly frightening to think of what 10 to 20 bands were on that imprint at the same time, so when I see something like The Very Best of the Noise Years, that's going to pluck my heartstrings. I also happen to love Tankard, the earlier albums in particular, who were one of those many obsessions on that label that I've simply never grown out of, 30 years later. Zombie Attack, Chemical Invasion and The Morning After were quite the trifecta of records for a brash young idiot to whom beer, women and hyper thrashing were all novel or untapped subjects, and the Germans played with such intense abandon that I had no choice but to become infected.

So, if this Oldies & Goodies compilation had just been a 3-disc, remastered set of those efforts, then it might have been something I could invest in. Granted, I have no problems with the originals, and would likely always prefer them, but some people did complain about the audio (especially on the third album), and hearing that cleaned up wouldn't have been a complete crime. Instead, this is just the typical chronological perspective, with about 4-6 tunes culled from all of the first decade of seven LPs they produced through that label, and so you're not getting a lot of value, because you can simply go out, purchase those records in full (originals or represses), and ignore this shit. About the only real attraction might be having some of the Alien EP, but even that doesn't seem to be represented in full, and I seem to remember the tracks were available on a different CD pressing. Add to that the fact that records like The Tankard, which were the nadir for the band, are here instead of just offering more tracks from the others that were actually far better. In a nutshell, this is a typical label retrospective, possibly done with the permission of the band or to fill out a contract, but not really done for the fans.

Trust me: skip it. Go out and buy the first three albums. Hell, buy the three after that, and then any album you want from the 'latter half' of their career (R.I.B., A Girl Called Cerveza, and The Beauty and the Beer are certainly worth it). There is just not much to even talk about with this one, it's two discs of retread material in chronological order, and they couldn't even come up with a new fucking cover...it's just a collage of the originals. Hell, even if I wasn't fond of the re-recording comp they put out in (Best Case Scenario: 25 Years in Beers) at least that was some expenditure of effort, and worth buying a dozen times before this one. You have the internet, or actual money, you can can experience the full albums, you can pay for them, don't settle for this nickle & dime nonsense, not from one of the greatest bands that ever pissed in the Rhine. At least, I hope they pissed in the Rhine. I would be disappointed if they hadn't, so fuck it, I'll just imagine that they did regardless. Or maybe in the Danube instead, which I could accept as a substitute. Hmm. Someone confirm this for me, or I will never sleep again.

Verdict: Epic Drunken Fail [0/10]

https://www.facebook.com/tankardofficial

Tankard - R.I.B. (2014)

I've probably lost count now of just how many years I've actually been listening to Tankard; it's well over a quarter century with no real signs of ever letting up. They've always been my sole source for genuine alcoholic thrash, impersonated by many but rivaled by none...even a decade before I could legally obtain the sauce. Not only do they still possess the same level of momentum and energy that they've been on since at least the turn of the century, but they're still cranking out good records on a consistent basis. Granted, there is a little fatigue setting in when it comes to how they structure their songs. Riffs and vocals have begun to grow redundant with those off the last half dozen discs (I dub it 'Running Wild syndrome), but they still insert just enough novelty (by their own standards) and fresh inspiration that I gladly buy each and every hops-scented platter they clench down the pipes. And now I apologize for that image.

R.I.B. (Rest in Beer) is not returning to the brilliant, raw liquid diet carnage of the first three discs, and I have long given up hope that they'd bridge back to the filthier production standards of the 80s. Sure, I fantasize that they'll one day unleash their swan song (let's hypothetically title it Reign in Beer, with a grand finale dubbed "Raining Beer"), reduced to 30 minutes or less of that propulsive, energetic, riff-rich environment that characterized masterpieces like The Morning After and Zombie Attack. But R.I.B. is far more like a natural progression from their 2006 effort The Beauty and the Beer, which is for me their greatest record of the 21st century, experimenting with a more melodic hybrid of thrash and heavy/speed metal cognizant of modern production standards. A lot of the emphasis here is on well-structured lead harmonies, mute-dense thrashing patterns which pummel the listener repeatedly thanks to the fat production, and of course, Gerre's absolutely timeless fucking voice. A million beers later, I have no idea how he keeps this up, but honestly if you just dialed back the production level a few decades he sounds almost EXACTLY like he did in the band's late 80s prime...it's almost uncanny. Fellow Teutonic front men (and women) like Mille Petrozza, Sabine Classen and Onkle Tom Angelripper all seem to have mutated their tones for better or worse, while this particular exhibit remains a permanent fixture of the museum, what comes out later at night and breaks all the glass on the other collections by flinging empty bottles at them...

The album threads in a few cleaner guitar passages and bolder, thicker bass-lines to offset the intros to a number of tunes ("War Cry", "R.I.B.", etc) from the consistently muscular thrash found coursing through the majority of the material, but this has really been the case for much modern Tankard, so it doesn't necessarily come off as expansive or innovative within their canon. But that aside, they do try their hands at a few new tricks like a 'choir'. The riffs are far more hits than they are misses, though the majority of them are just later analogs for those they've always written, and even the chorus vocal structures and techniques, like how Gerre raises the pitch and harmonizes himself with all the ballast of an angry soccer hooligan, seem to tread over ground they've already dug up. There is a certain degree of German power metal influence circa Running Wild and Rage which you can find in a few of the picking progressions ("Riders of the Doom", etc), which for me is welcome but not something you might have expected back in the days of Chemical Invasion or "Commandments", where they were all out blistering speed/thrash with a heavier punk influence. Some tunes, like "Hope Can't Die", in fact thrive off being pure melodic heavy metal performed at a moderate pace, a tactic employed pretty often on other recent discs like the last one, A Girl Named Cerveza.

Instruments all sound great here, in particular the aforementioned bass and vocals, but they do wonders to get each sounding like an equal in the mix. Tankard have essentially transformed into the most professional sounding drunks in the industry, a characteristic you might not expect...since a wilder, more frenetic and disheveled production might better suit the subject matter. But of course the Germans don't ONLY sing about beer, much like Running Wild didn't ONLY sing about pirates. Tongue-in-cheek social issues are represented as they always have been, and like a lot of these German thrashers have done (like Destruction or Tankard themselves), there is the slightly irritating self-referential quality where they keep tooting their own horns for having been there since the dawn of the genre. For instance, the R.I.B. cover artwork is clearly a callback to Chemical Invasion, as are some of the lyrics a continuation of that mad professor character (one of their old mascots along with the alcoholic alien). It's become a little annoying in that it feels like these old timers have so little left to say to us rather than repeat themselves. Sequel-itis to a fault. Yet for younger audiences just starting to turn on to these legends, I think it's probably par for the course.

Nitpicks aside, though, R.I.B. is a fun album to listen through. The pacing and riffs are diverse enough to hold the listener through to the 40 minute hangover, and it sounds fucking excellent pouring out of the three pairs of speakers I've thus far played it on. Tankard is a big, fat, ugly, immoveable and goddamn proud rock in this medium, and the kid inside me is so unfailingly beaming to have waved around the flag for them so long (in fact, this is one of the few bands I'm upset to have missed by not attending MDF '14 in Baltimore, but new parenthood calls). That does not mean they cannot write and release better than this... Ultimately, it's a less memorable Beauty and the Beer/A Girl Named Cerveza which still gets its kicks off, but while for that next stage, that next burst of inebriated inspiration, records like this are solid exhibitions of continued commitment and entertainment value, so really there's just not much to complain about, beyond the fact that, like so many of these decades-old metal monarchs, their best efforts remain way back in the rear-view mirror, obfuscated by the dust of maturity.

Verdict: Win [7.75/10]

http://www.tankard.info/start.html

Tankard - A Girl Called Cerveza (2012)

I like my Tankard records as I like my women: very German, and voluptuous to overflowing, two traits shared by their latest inebriated adventure and 16th full-length studio album, A Girl Called Cerveza. While its title and cover image are likely to offend their share of the Planet Butthurt citizenry (not at all the intention), they're really nothing out of the ordinary, a celebration of beer soaked celluloid and goofiness that has defined the group for better or worse now since the 80s, and not something one should conspire to take seriously on any day of the calendar. On the other hand, the music itself is quite well composed here, boasting superb production and strong enough variation to survive a good number of replays, even if it shouldn't be counted among their best work.

A Girl Called Cerveza bears some semblance to the band's 2006 effort The Beauty and the Beer, which was my favorite of their releases since their prime in the 80s, before the band's 'gimmick' arguable fled South and they started bouncing back and forth between quality and mediocrity. While the band picks up the pace and levels some devastating thrash redolent of their glory years in "Witchhunt 2.0" or the title track, it's not nearly so dirty, manic or explosive as, say, The Morning After. Like The Beauty and the Beer, the band have incorporated a lot of straight up heavy metal or Germanic power metal elements: dual melodies and riffs reminiscent of bands like Accept, Running Wild, Iron Maiden and Omen are contrasted against the harsher, wretched inflection of Andreas 'Gerre' Geremia, who hasn't lost a damned fraction of his charisma in 30 years of drunken belligerence. Like other German front persons Schmier, Tom Angelripper or Sabina Classen, the guy is instantly distinguishable from the legions of charmless retro thrashers peddling yesteryear's news from unpopulated newsstands; tons of edge to his timbre, but just enough melody to carry off all the choruses and compensate for the intentional, often laughably retarded ("Son of a Fridge" had me in stitches) lyrics...

...which as usual, are not all about beer 100% of the time, and this is how Tankard have managed to avoid wearing themselves thin through these many years. No, instead of unanimously swilling from the pilsner glass on every track here, they tackle subjects ranging from a more serious political rage in "Rapid Fire (A Tyrant's Elegy)" to an eyebrow raising tribute to Thailand ("The Metal Lady Boy"). Fortunately, the music packs a lot of punch, Andy Gutjarh truly having settled into his role long ago, riffing all over the place and showing solid dynamic inclinations and effective lead work from his traditional metal influences. This is hardly the most 'mosh' oriented thrash recorded, it's not loaded with many palm muted chug fests circa "Toxic Waltz" or other standards, but more of a brash and testosterone fueled mesh of power and thrash that becomes unique under Gerre's trash talking tutelage, and that's perfectly acceptable as far as I'm concerned, because the bold clarity and muscular depth of the guitar tone and vocal mix sounds fantastic here as it has for a number of albums leading up to it. Few thrash bands have production at this level, and yet despite its level of polish, it somehow doesn't betray the frolicking spirit which has existed at the core of this band since '86.

I could give or take the duet with Doro Pesch in "The Metal Lady Boy", or the clean guitars used to intro pieces like "Son of a Fridge", but I had a genuinely fun time listening through this record, even if it's not the sort of quality I'm likely to turn towards for the next 25 years (i.e. Zombie Attack, The Morning After). The songs are well structured across varied paces, a few of the riffing sequences really get the fists flying and the taps emptied, and in summation it all sounds like a band who have aged VERY FUCKING well, which you'll note is a pretty common trait among the German thrash acts (far less so for their Bay Area competition who so rarely mount an adequate jaunt 'back to the front'). Keep your expectations realistic, a mug of your favorite poison handy, and if possible, the company of a buxom admirer (male, female, tranny as your personal preference dictates), and you'll come away from A Girl Called Cerveza smiling more often than not. I'm not sure if a 'Prost!' or 'Salud!' is more appropriate here, so have 'em both you maggots.

Verdict: Win [8/10] (her love was just a lie!)

http://www.tankard.info/start.html

Tankard - Vol(l)ume 14 (2010)

The time has come for us to grab our liquid lunches and return to the realm of the unending German thrash parade Tankard, as they pump out their 14th full-length album straight from the tap. This is an effort that might actually surprise some long term listeners of the band, since the writing seems a bit more morose and melodic this time around, at times falling more into the speed/power category than strictly a thrashing, but this is not exactly news, as the drunks have been incorporating such tactics on many of their 21st century releases like Thirst, Beast of Bourbon, or the excellent Beauty and the Beer from 2006, the last of which is the closest parallel one could make to the sound here, though it's not necessarily that good.

Now, I'm not saying this will appeal to everyone that has followed the band since the untouchable first three albums of their career, because obviously a lot of that virile, bursting energy has vacated its physical premises. The band are getting on in years, and you're not going to be hearing any "Shit-Faced" or "Zombie Attack" level material, but as an approximation of 'mature' Tankard, Vol(l)ume 14 is not without its merits. About half the songs are drop dead catchy, and the other half just passable. As much as it's strange to hear Tankard singing about Facebook, Twitter, obesity, and other plagues of our 21st century existence, and not tearing up hotel rooms and puking, it's also fairly entertaining, and not the first time the band have decided to stick with the issues of the day. "Fat Snatchers (The Hippo Effect)", "The Agency", "Condemnation" and "Beck's In the City" are three of my choices here, each with a catchy chorus and solidly plotted riffing that should keep your neck hammering despite their dynamics, and the sort of cleverly titled "BP (Black Plague)" is Tankard's tribute to the Gulf Oil Crisis, though not one of the better songs.

Where the album does sort of dissemble is in its opening and closing tracks, the former of which, "Time Warp" is simply not that strung. Almost anything else here would have served better, though Gerre's vocals in the bridge are quite good (he sounds excellent throughout, as he maintains the bitter sneer of his German accent). "Weekend Warriors", the 7+ minute finale, is not the first song of its title (Iron Maiden beat them to it, among others), but the tribute to paintball and physical excess beyond the work week is only firing on about half of its cylinders, with Any Gutjahr's riffs weaving between excellence and oblivion. A few other tunes, like the spiky and melodic "Rules for Fools" and "Somewhere in Nowhere" promise a lot but don't pack in enough punch, both seemingly ineffective and similar to the superb "We Still Drink the Old Ways" from Beauty and the Beer.

Listening straight through, though, there's not a whole lot to complain about. It doesn't number among the band's greater efforts, but it's right about on par with its direct predecessor Thirst, with a few tracks worthy of a hand picked career compilation. The production sounds about as good as the last two, and the musicianship is at the usual high standards, with a fair amount of deviation and variation in the track structures, and ultimately, I'd probably take this over the latest offerings from Destruction, Sodom or Holy Moses. Tankard is very much alive, despite the obvious cirrhosis and dead brain cells, reliable like your favorite Pilsner glass, and sooner or later, they'll knock another album out of the park. This is not that, but neither is it a waste of time.

Verdict: Win [7.25/10]

http://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - Chemical Invasion (1987)

Chemical Invasion is Tankard's second album and the tasty vanilla stuffing at the center of their career Oreo cookie. Granted, I may be one to appreciate the crisp, outer chocolate shell more than the filling, but to be fair, one slice of the tongue alongside the softer contents within only helps one better savor the cookie's exterior, and I feel like this album would make the perfect primer for the following epic The Morning After. The same frenetic pacing applies here, with fast and explosive, riotous riffing that elaborates on Zombie Attack's punk fervor with an upgrade to the band's technical whims. For half the record, you feel as if Venom has been put on fast forward, bluesy NWOBHM-like riffs being threaded through the thrusting, sped mute warpath the band traverse with little effort.

If you've already heard Zombie Attack, then you'll recognize this album's similar 'looking for trouble' attitude. Each of its compositions gives the impulse to pound some street turf, looking for a rowdy bar or a post-soccer party with all intentions to wreak havoc and hopefully go home with somebody else's girlfriend. You could use this as great workout music while you try and comb out that mullet. It could also score a rugby match or demolition derby. It's the brand of fashion free, testosterone induced mayhem that feels right at home in its decade of release. There's no latest edition of ProTools, Facebook or MySpace to protect your image. Go in the studio, be yourselves, knock out some songs and kill it.

With Chemical Invasion, not only do Tankard kill it, but they bag it, tag it and delicately place a cask of its favorite, potent brew in the casket to help it death with its new life in the underworld. Before you can even raise your prohibition picket sign in protest, the band has already fucking clobbered you with "Total Addiction" and "Tantrum", head-spinning anthems to moshing and beer that feel as if the band were flying high off some jet fuel enema. "Don't Panic" teases you with a slower, classy NWOBHM-on-crack rhythm before once again thrusting against the sound barrier with a killer riffing segment that culminates in a fairly complex mosh breakdown (at least for its day). "Puke" is under a minute long, but nonetheless packs in some hyper-punk rhythms and a great, acrobatic guitar rhythm early on.

Next the band takes a turn for the unexpected, with a 7+ minute instrumental "For a Thousand Beers" that travels from brooding acoustic tones and slight, swelling string ambiance to a cautious, doom-like crawl and then finally the riffing intensity you knew was just hovering on the horizon. I do feel like there are enough quality guitar parts in here to write at least two separate Tankard tracks and apply vocals, and I do feel like this album might have benefited overall from its absence, as it throws a wrench in the works of the band's hyperactive pacing. But this works both ways, and in truth, at least for a moment, it gives you a delicious pause while you savor whatever concoction you're clutching.

The band returns to its blinding, raunchy speed through the title track "Chemical Invasion" and the blistering frenzy of "Farewell to a Slut", a rather scathing indictment of one of the 'finer sex', or in Gerre's position not the finer sex. "Traitor" once again stretches the patience, nearing 8 minutes in length, but this time it's got vocal presence and tribute to drinking and thrash metal aplomb, so the time moves pretty quickly even if it's not the best song on here. The album is closed off with a cover of the great Boston hardcore band Gang Green's "Alcohol", and it's good to hear the Germans cover such a kindred spirit (I highly recommend you track down the original band for some quality hardcore punk) and put their filthy spin on the proceedings.

Not a lot of complaints here. This is a dirtier sounding record than many Harris Johns would produce, but as usual, I find it infinitely compelling and natural despite the clinical straightness. The lyrics are brute and silly but perhaps to be expected, as the band were likely still developing their English skills. The two longer compositions ("For a Thousand Beers" and "Traitor") do have some slight flaws that put them at odds with the surrounding mayhem, but they're still chalk full of swell Tankard swill and I have never felt the urge to skip them when listening through. Perhaps one could argue that the album has too much of a 'blitz' feeling, which can grow repetitious if you're not expecting it. The same was said often of Zombie Attack, but I don't have any problem with this notion whatsoever, because I have never gone into any of these old Tankard records with the intention of finding anything other than 30-40 minutes of onslaught and innocent hilarity. To that degree, Chemical Invasion is well worth a listen, and one of the better gems of the German thrash/speed explosion in the 80s, even though its closest siblings are superior.

Verdict: Epic Win [9.25/10] (strung out at home for days and weeks)

http://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - The Beauty and the Beer (2006)

The cover art to Tankard's whopping 12th full-length album may not be the most flattering, or THE most flattering, unless you're some pitiful fan of all things Disney Pictures have animated in the past century, hanging tightly to your innocence. However, it matters very little, because even the most skeptical witness will be blown over by the amount of effort the band obvious put into this one. Make no mistake, folks, The Beauty and the Beer is the best Tankard album since the 'drunken trinity' that kick started their career. It puts almost all of their albums post-The Morning After to shame, and while Beast of Bourbon was surely leading up to this, I simply did not expect it to be so worthwhile.

To be clear, Tankard have not returned to their thriving, thrashing, high speed beer-krieg roots as found on the punk splatter of Zombie Attack or the pulse pounding hyper momentum of The Morning After. This is Tankard in sound, and spirit, but it's a polished, melodic Tankard focused very tightly on the delivery of each track. The tone and production are top notch here, enough to compete with most of the higher budget thrash records released after the turn of the century, but most importantly, They've gotten back to what matters, writing excellent riffs and catchy vocal hooks!

Feedback and an ominous cleaner guitar herald the arrival of "Ice-olation", with a similar feel to how Anthrax used to intro their albums back when they were good, but it is quick to shift into some power packed, decently paced thrash metal the likes of which Tankard have developed over the past three records, and the lyrics are as alcoholic as fuck! But even this mighty opener is soon displaced by the excellent "We Still Drink the Old Ways", with its solemn intro and melodic, charging riffs that give it a modern feel, almost like melodic death metal, and the lyrics are all about the drinking traditions of the band's lives! So good it hurts.

Just girls and wimps drink import-beer!

Just in case you thought they might get soft, Gerre and his infidels next kick your rounded belly in with the firm, yet still melodic "Forsaken World", another riffing utopia. Did Gutjahr write all of these? Because if so, that man has finally 'arrived'. "Rockstars No. 1" dispels the myths that any naive fan might form about Tankard's image with a rock hard rhythm section and pretty killer breakdown groove, while the acrobatics of "The Beauty and the Beast" deal with the subject of male/female attraction and repulsion...and just how much easier it is all made with alcohol! The last time I've had Tankard kick my ass with five tracks in a row was almost 20 years before this record.

Of course, it doesn't end there. "Blue Rage - Black Redemption" might not be one of the most memorable on the album, but it's indeed solid and features some great lead work above killer rhythm tones. "Frankfurt: We Need More Beer" references a number of earlier Tankard tracks, including "666 Packs", "Space Beer", "Alien", and so forth, to some punky, happy riffs, and "Metaltometal" is an earnest tribute to the band's chosen genre, with a little less cheese than so many other bands who flaunt the medium through a song title. No country, no reggae, it's driving me nuts! "Dirty Digger" has some huge, chugging rhythms that sound fucking monolithic as the lyrics rip down the Western World in all its corrupt capitalism. Closer "Shaken Not Stirred" is no James Bond tribute, but another tribute to the band's still lush lifestyle, dowsed in blazing riffs and dense, angry vocals.

Hearing The Beauty and the Beer is quite a relief if you've been feeling disappointed those many years. Not to write off all the band's interim efforts, for some like Two-Faced and Beast of Bourbon were relatively strong, but this is exactly how I had always envisioned Tankard to sound in the new century, and if they never write an album nearly at this level, I'll still be content that they 'got it up' once more.

Verdict: Epic Win [9/10] (an art and a science)

http://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - Schwarz-Weiß wie Schnee EP (2006)

Tankard have generally been pretty stand-up with their fans, releasing a large ratio of full-length studio albums and very little fluff in between. Sure, they've got the expected live album, a few compilations and singles (some of which were probably not released at the bequest of the band), but in nearly three decades, that is not so much. As far as EPs, we've only had one, the 1989 Alien which was a lot of fun, so when the band decided to release this Frankfurt soccer tribute with a couple tunes in German, and some bonus videos, well who can really fault them?

Sadly, if you're not local to the band, this is not going to grab you by the balls (har har). "Schwarz-Weiß wie Schnee" is a melodic metal anthem, with some manly vocal chorus and half-decent riffs, and it's included here with both a full-fledged studio and demo version, the former of which is superior. "Eurobbapokal" is another soccer thrash tribute given a big, anthem treatment, though its under 90 seconds in length. The other audio track here is a live version of the band's Cocksparrer cover "We're Coming Back" (the studio edit appeared on Beast of Bourbon). It's vibrant but forgettable, and not much use here.

But the contents of the EP do not end with just the audio. This is one of those 'enhanced' CDs, and the band have included two videos. The first is for "The Beauty and the Beer" off the album of the same year, and it's a pretty bland video which features the band just playing live, Gerre bare chested in front of a bunch of Euro beauties sitting at a bar. The song itself is quite good, but once you get past the humor of Gerre groping and pressing himself against these women who are trying their best not to laugh or show any signs of emotional response, it's not something funny enough that I'd watch it very often. The other is a hand cam of the band performing "Schwarz -Weiß wie Schnee", which is nothing surprising, and the band have made their love of soccer known on a number of occasions (look up their "Forza SGE" video).

I can't see anyone really caring about this release unless they love soccer and Tankard both, and though the music included isn't so bad, or the video, it's not much of a distraction from the band's studio discography, and should not be taken as such.

Verdict: Indifference [5/10]

http://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - Best Case Scenario: 25 Years in Beers (2007)

Tankard have had a pretty strong relationship with their latest label AFM since signing with them for the B-Day album and beyond, and this has reflected in the quality of the material, which in general has notably improved beyond the band's later Noise Records period or their brief stint with Century Media. So, when it arrived time to once again unleash a compilation of previously issued material, the band and label had the wise idea to re-record some earlier tracks with the current 4-piece line-up instead of just aping them directly from their original sources, as with the awful waste of space Hair of the Dog, Tankard's earlier compilation on Noise.

I rarely, rarely ever find these re-recording albums worth much, since I'm usually a sucker for the original versions, but at the least you get the feeling you have been offered something new, and since so many other bands have gone through this process, including a number of thrashers (Testament, Destruction, Exodus, etc.), then why not Germany's drunkest legends? The quality of the translation really varies, with some clearly lacking the exact spark that made the originals so special, and others actually improved a notch.

The Zombie Attack remakes I could certainly have lived without. Here they've done "Zombie Attack", "Maniac Forces" and "(Empty) Tankard", all long standing staples of the band's sets and arguably the more 'important' tracks from that album, though I consider that entire album a bloody perfect good time. The guitar tones here are pretty boxy, and I just don't like Gerre's vocals as much as I once did. "(Empty)" Tankard" probably survives the remake process the best of the three. Chemical Invasion gets two spots on the compilation: "Don't Panic" and "Chemical Invasion". Once again, they're not as ripcord wild as the originals, but I think these two come across pretty well in their newer incarnations.

The Morning After is sadly under represented, with only the title track. Once again...no "Commandments"? No "Shit-faced"? These are some of the band's best songs, and the remainder of that albums is likewise perfect. "The Morning After" itself sounds a little gimped, and I will attempt to forget the obvious omissions and move along. Tankard wisely included "Alien" and "666 Packs" from the Alien EP, which many people might not own, so this could be their first exposure, and of these, "666 Packs" actually sounds decent through its update. The Meaning of Life material actually sounds good here, I prefer the simple crunch of the tunes to their more hissing originals, and you've got both "Beermuda" and "Space Beer" to digest. The live "Medley" of "Alcohol", "Puke", "Mon Cheri" and "Wonderful Life" (from various early albums) that originally appeared on Fat, Ugly and Live is given a studio treatment, which is a slight surprise, but these songs are all better in their separate incarnations.

After this, the pickings a little more sparse. "Freibier" is the only track from Stone Cold Sober, but it sounds pretty good here, and Two-Faced gets a double play in "Nation Over Nation" and the title track, which don't sound noticeably superior to my ears than their original versions, but certainly do not depress. The compilation is rounded off with "Minds on the Moon", one of the better songs from the inconsistent album The Tankard, and that also sounds quite good with its new layer of paint. So 1995 was understandably the cut-off date for this project's material.

If you were lucky, and got the limited edition of this compilation, you were probably also treated to a bonus Tribute to Tankard compilation with 18 tracks, several of which come from underground thrash upstarts like Hyades. Far more interesting, however, were the covers provided by fellow Germans Paradox, Paragon, and Sacred Steel, who all did a decent job with the material, and Denmark's power/progressive band Manticora who seem almost out of place. Having this added disc certainly ups the value of Best Case Scenario, so if you're one of the Chosen ones, bolster my review score by about 15% (1.5 points).

Otherwise, there is not a lot of cement value to this release unless you've been with the band and really want to celebrate. A number of the songs do sound comparable or superior to the originals, but this is not so for the majority of the play list, in particular the first half. I would much rather remember the original, ripping versions of these tracks when they sounded pretty damn heavy. The cleanliness and modern punch do not always do them justice. But unlike Hair of the Dog, it's at least not a total clusterfuck if you drop some bread on it.

Verdict: Fail [4/10], or Indifference [5.5/10] if you've got the version with the tribute.

http://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - The Meaning of Life (1990)

Retrospectively, it's always interesting to examine the career of any long time band and ask yourself when and where, if they had stopped, they could be considered a flawless 'artistic' endeavor. Maybe we think of Sabbath an album or two before Ozzy would depart (or Dio's departure). Maybe we think of Metallica up to or including ...And Justice for All. Maybe Judas Priest, before they hired the man who tries to hard to replace a man who is almost always hard. When I think through the cumulative output of Germans Tankard, I feel like that 'point' at which the shark was in danger of being jumped came in after The Morning After, or maybe the Alien EP. If the band had called it quits then, they'd have left a nigh spotless legacy.

But Tankard has persisted, and continue on even today. To be fair, they've released some good albums since their epic youths. But there was simply no real possibility of topping The Morning After. It was fast-paced folly with intense songwriting, like one nuclear burst after another at an Oktoberfest, and made all the more memorable by the band's innocent if inebriated wiles. The Meaning of Life had the unfortunate and daunting task of following up that monstrosity, and it truly failed to measure up in most categories. The riffs were as crunchy, but not as good. The vocals were a little more melodic, but not as good. The production was possibly better from the argument of hearing the guitars better, but once again, just not as cool as the previous album.

If we were talking about some other band, this all might add up to a heap of mediocrity, but as it's Tankard, The Meaning of Life is still a pretty good attempt despite all of its younger sibling failure to live up to big brother or sister. The expressions on the faces of the Pope, Mike Tyson and Mikhail Gorbachev (?) on the cover say it all: The Morning After was really the night of vibrant, puking passion, and The Meaning of Life is really the hangover. But off to the right of the moping icons, the band's Chemical Invasion and Alien mascots are plotting something: this record does not have to be a complete waste of time, and it can still rip some corners of your face off like a quick trip to the pavement.

The Meaning of Life is stylistically not a large departure from the last album, only its a little louder and clearer. The band was still working with Harris Johns on this, and perhaps they mutually decided to enhance the sonic qualities that it might leap the hurdle faced by The Morning After in the face of metal fans and bands demanding higher studio values to go with the times. In 1990, thrash metal was still very healthy, with amazing records like Artillery's By Inheritance or Megadeth's Rust in Peace showing exactly what could be done with the genre when creative and technical skills collided, and Tankard was surely a hopeful among the German wave. But this album didn't really pan out for one reason alone: the riffs are just not as aesthetically pleasing as they were before.

The tracks are still busy and angry, and in fact, at their busiest, we hear the best material on the album: "Meaning of Life" is choked with intense, winding rhythms that constantly keep the attention span on edge as they trample through their variations, and Gerre spits his interrogations on that age old, elusive mystery: what is the meaning of life? The answer must be clear. This is Tankard. The meaning of life is to imbibe as much alcohol as possible and die in a blaze of vomit and glory, right? Yet, he never comes out and says this. "Wheel of Rebirth" is a track about a dystopic future in which our lives have been muted and nulled as if in some Orwell or Bradbury vision, but its glazed with some pretty nice speed licks and start/stop rocking. "Barfly" and "Space Beer" return us to the band's lighter lyrical fare, and both are pretty good hop stomping anthems with the visceral energy of the past few records.

You'll perhaps notice that the songs I've mentioned all occur deeper into the album than one might hope for, and this is another minor issue I had with this record. Tracks like "Open All Night" and "Dancing on Our Grave" are decent when compared with the majority of would be thrash bands exploding from the States and Europe, but for Tankard they're not really all that exciting, and these are the best of the earlier half. A number of tunes, including "Mechanical Man" and "We Are Us" are quite forgettable, and I wouldn't blame the listener for skipping right on past them. Fortunately, when you hit the title track the album becomes far more entertaining.
Another beef is that some of the lyrics on the album are just so mindless, drab and liberal in as far as they examine subjects like racism ("Always Them") and self-affirmation ("We Are Us") in such generic, wishful thinking overtones that have almost no grounds in reality. That's not to say the message is a bad one, just not that interesting when voiced like a brainwashed 3rd grader.

I don't think of thrash metal as some plebeian 'comic' genre of music like many younger thrash fans looking through a purely 'let's be like people before we were born' perspective, and truly almost all the best albums of the form (Master of Puppets, Reign in Blood, Bonded by Blood, Coma of Souls, Punishment for Decadence, and so forth) are dead serious for the majority of their run time, but Tankard is an exception, and I feel like their silly lyrics have always been their forte, whether that involve drunken states, aliens, zombies or all three. They've always slipped a few 'message' tracks in through their albums, and continue to do so, but on this album I felt a few were particularly hokey, and it diluted my enjoyment.

So, we are left with an album that's good for the majority, about 6-7 of the songs, and moderate at best for the remainder. That just wasn't going to cut it, and one might think of this album as the beginning of the end, or a mildly disappointing end to the band's opening chapter. The Meaning of Life is superior to Stone Cold Sober, The Tankard, and Disco Destroyer, the last two of which represent the band's true low point, and it's got enough spiky speed/thrashing to have the Tankard purist raging in his mug, but I felt a little frightened by the implication that this potent drinking machine had any chink in their armor whatsoever.

Verdict: Win [7.5/10] (now that the city's dead)

http://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - The Morning After (1988)

So, I love Tankard. I love Tankard like a man loves a woman (unless he loves another man). Sometimes you want to kiss her, sometimes you want to buy her the moon, sometimes you want to strangle her and sometimes you just want to run away screaming. Often the earliest part of the relationship is the most involved, the most hopeful and Romantic. You've got your entire lives ahead of you, and if you play your cards right, you can spend them together. In Tankard's discography, this equates to Zombie Attack, Chemical Invasion, and The Morning After, the three albums which can run toe to toe with almost anything else from Germany at the time. Now, if you're grasping your jaw in shock and awe that I just implied the mighty Tankard were the equals of Kreator, Destruction and Sodom then you might wanna take something for the pain, because I will continue to make bold assertions here, as The Morning After is one of my downright favorite thrash metal albums in history.

Zombie Attack was, and remains an underrated masterpiece of raw, punk-influenced havoc that I still listen to today with as much excitement as I had in my teens, but it was pretty clear by Chemical Invasion that the band were moving in a more technically proficient direction, and The Morning After is the culmination of that. At no time in Tankard's career have they been as fast and furious as on this album, with such impeccable velocity in their riffing. They may have 'matched' this level of speed and anguish on future recordings, but nothing would ever really compare to this. Axel Katzmann and Andy Bulgaropulos were a pair of beer swilling monstrosities that fired artillery cans of frenetic blitzing rhythms like few others in the late 80s, and the rhythm section of Frank Thorwarth and Oliver Werner were every bit their match, picking up the slack and anchoring the drunken overkill of their band mates.

For this reason, the production (which some find faulty) of The Morning After succeeds with high honors despite its rough and ready nature. This is another Harris Johns work, who was simply on fire at this point in his career, producing some of the finest metal recordings of all time. The bass is cranked to a good level, almost equal to the guitars, and really its all so spread out and balanced that it can be difficult to hear some of the more flurried activities of the six stringers. Gerre's vocals are likewise rough and uncircumsized, as if he were Schmier's nastier, immature little brother with a boat load more energy and a better skill at drinking and darts. This is the band's ultimate line-up, writing far more effective riffs than their later incarnations, and having 'grown' into a taut team of lush razor-edged barbarians who are almost dizzying in their momentum.

This would all mean nothing if the band did not maintain a high level of quality within the songs themselves. They don't simply explode in your face like a can shaken and popped open, they do so with the intention of leaving a positive taste in your buds that will long outlive the actual neck breaking act of 'being there'. Yes, this is a silly album, with songs about drinking, drinking and maybe a nod or two at society's faults at large, but mostly about drinking and then feeling violent afterward. This is testosterone of the purest strain, so girls need not apply. By 'girls', I mean people who have a hate on for 80s thrash and speed, or 'metal heads' who think pop music polish and excess studio castration somehow add up to good metal music. EXIT HALL LEFT you flippant fuckwits!

Now, crotchety old man rants aside, we delve into the album itself, with a hilarious intro that must warm the heart of the band and former Noise Records label staff to this day, a defiant and hilarious answering machine 'sample' that leads into the violent and vibrant classic "Commandments", which seems to me the ULTIMATE in peer pressure. Now, I've been to University, hung out with alcoholics and jocks and even straight edgers all my life, in various phases. None of them could drive me to drink at gunpoint, but when I hear Gerre exclaim:

Life's too short to waste your brew, it's plain to see: obey the rules
Thou shall not waste and thou shall not spill, just drink your beer: commandments!
Though shalt not puke cause that's no excuse, just drink your beer: commandments!

I quaff and sop every sud like it was the last drop of my life! The riffs here are so fast that your head might just fall off if you attempt to bang along, and this doesn't end with "Commandments", because they immediately cock their fists and give it to you straight on the other cheek with the highly amusing "Shit-faced", a tribute to the wasteful excess of the rocker lifestyle. No hotel room shall be spared, no groupie and no bar tab! The riffs are amazing, spiraling completely out of control and exploding into a complex chorus and bleeding solo stream. By this point, the album is already worth anything you'd need to pay for it, but we've only just begun.

"TV Hero" takes you completely by surprise with a schizoid, semi-tech melodic riff the likes of which one might expect from Destruction or Kreator in the late 80s, but not the same band that spewed "Maniac Forces" or "Zombie Attack" just a few years prior. "F.U.N." teases you with a groovy blues-punk riff and some shrill vocals shrieking the song title, before a Kreator-like series of riffs that would have felt quite at home on Terrible Certainty if not for Gerre's vocal and the band's frequent foray into frolicking riffs. "Try Again" is a cover of the Spermbirds, with a melodic opening salvo similar to Overkill's "Hello from the Gutter", and then a mid paced punk riff akin to the Sex Pistols, etc. Thematically and musically, Tankard makes this fit right into the surrounding originals, and it's rather catchy.

Realizing that this diversion might delude listeners into thinking the band is somehow 'happy', the band next evokes the mean intro to "The Morning After", taking a brief spurt back to the jovial punk bridge before the speed once again erupts into a dragway pileup, complete with demonic pitch-shifted vocals and a stunning chorus that serves as little more than another excuse to speed back up and kick the listener in the sack all over again. "Desperation" is staggeringly excellent, as the notable drums and fast melodic flowing riff of the intro collide into a full on thrust of vitriol, all the while the guitars firing off faster than the latest military hardware and Gerre always sounding as if he's primed to start a fight or puke on someone nearby.

"Feed the Lohocla" (you get it, right?) begins with a mix of paranoid, punchy thrash riffing and wailing blues rock abandon before it, too, commits to rifling speed and splattercaust rhythms, sure to please anyone who enjoyed the first few songs on the album. The atheist anthem "Help Yourself" also has some spastic, acrobatic riffing that breaks the speed limit, with an excellent chorus that feels like something Artillery might write, save the vocals.

Help yourself! We need no fucking preachers in our life!
Help yourself! And all your mighty gods can go to Hell!

The album ends with a pair of shorts, the cute, punky abandon of "Mon Cheri" and then a loud, abrasive drunken cheer in the "Outro", and by this time, you feel like you've just been trampled over by a crowd of soccer hooligans rushing a field, a parade of fire trucks, a caravan of elephants transporting exotic spices and liquors to a distant land, a rugby team, a Jawa sand crawler, a gaggle of fat aunties heading home from church on Sunday, a pair of mating Bull Hippos and a marching band. You're out for the count, until one of your friends, or some stranger at the bar decides to poor something cold on you to awaken you for the next binge.

I could insert here the many memories I have of sharing this album with other skaters, thrashers and wild hearts in the 80s, including an old Portuguese friend (and former huge Tankard fan) stage diving off my couch at a birthday party, using this album to console myself after breakups or hard times, and other emo testimonials. You would relate to few, if any of these experiences, but you really don't need to hear them. The music on this album speaks for itself. It is pure masculine frenzy with little regard for pop garbage or social graces, like most of the best thrash of that decade. I would trade in just about every goofy alcoholic metal wannabe from the year 2000 on, collectively, for just this single album (a lot of them deriving more from Tankard than they realize). In fact, this is not only one of my favorite German thrash records, alongside Coma of Souls, Deception Ignored, The Antichrist, and so forth, but it represents the absolute peak of 'alcoholic metal', period. Ever. You can take that to the tap.

Verdict: Epic Liver Disease [10/10] (relieving stress is so much fun)

http://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - Fat, Ugly and Live (1991)

As a teenager who got to see many of his 80s metal heroes perform live during their Golden Age period, I have always lamented the fact that I could not count Tankard among them. Opportunities have arrived through the years where I might have taken a flight to a European festival at which Tankard were performing, and for whatever reason (lack of budget, other obligations) I have not been able to capitalize. So a live album/DVD is about as close as I have yet gotten to seeing one of my favorite thrash bands on stage, and to this extent I may be a little more forgiving of Fat, Ugly and Live than I might otherwise feel.

By the point of its release, Tankard had released four albums, the most recent being The Meaning of Life, which didn't really go over well in the metal community, though it arrived a few years before the big wave crashed and died against the shores of grunge. I don't really know where the line is drawn for where a live album should realistically become a possibility, since it is possible a band could perform a single album in its entirety with a lot of energy and good recording equipment, or a band with 30 albums could organize a shitty set and have bad production. But four albums and an EP seems a reasonable minimum to draw from.

Fat, Ugly and Live is not an isolated event set to tape. The recordings are taken from a number of shows performed in Frankfurt and Bochum, and they all sound pretty good. Perhaps not the brightest audio I've heard on a live offering, but most importantly you can hear the thrust of the guitars in full force, which is important since they often play at pretty high speeds with riffs that were more technical than your average thrashing band in the day, and especially important with some of the selections found here.

The biggest bones I have to pick with this release would be the lack of some of The Morning After's very best tracks..."Commandments" and "Shit-Faced". I can only assume the band was burnt out on playing these favorites by the time they started touring for The Meaning of Life, but it still seems like a MASSIVE oversight not to include them, as they are the very best and sure to get the crowd going rampant. Now, I realize that these songs were probably included in the actual sets, and perhaps just not sounding good enough to include with this live album, but the loss is clearly felt. The Morning After is, in fact, very much underused here, aside from the title track and "Mon Cheri" which is included as a part of track #12, the medley.

The Meaning of Life fares better, which makes sense since they were touring for it. You get the title track, "Beermuda", "We Are Us", "Space Beer", and "Wonderful Life" included within the medley. These tracks sound particularly impressive, especially "The Meaning of Life", as each note of the ripping guitars is pretty clear through the audio. For older material, we get "Total Addiction" and the title track off Chemical Invasion, with "Alcohol" and "Puke" incorporated into the track #12 medley. Zombie Attack is represented by "Poison", "Mercenary", "Maniac Forces" and "(Empty) Tankard", so no lack of material there, with the stunning exemption of the title track, which one would think as a surefire staple to be included on any live set. Alas, the same omission here as might pertain to "Commandments" or "Shit-Faced". A little surprise is that the Alien EP is represented here by "Live to Dive", which is a good song.

For what it is, Fat Ugly and Live sounds decent and as its my only Tankard live album, I do cherish the chance to crank these songs in their live incarnations. The same drawbacks apply here as to the majority of live albums: the songs are played pretty straightforward, you've already heard better studio versions, and you're not likely to be bowled over or surprised by anything. The lack of some of the band's most infamous songs from this track list does not really mar the fact that the other songs are pretty good and sound such in the live environment, but I can't think of any ultimate Tankard live offering without them...so this is an average and acceptable release if you're collecting the band's works, but otherwise, if you're new to their sound, head straight for the studio efforts, in particular the first four albums whose contents comprise this exhibition.

Verdict: Win [6.75/10]

http://www.tankard.info/

Tankard - Alien EP (1989)

My vinyl copy of the Tankard Alien EP is perhaps the greatest gift ever given to me by a college roommate. In this case, the roommate was a chain-blunt smoking Italian who had been living in the states for a few years, and was quite surprised to find that I even knew about this German band, though his own exposure was limited to the short-player in question. What a poseur! I kid, actually, and Mr. Adriano is one of the finest human beings I have ever known, high or otherwise, and not simply because of this generous donation to my never ending adolescent strife.

On to the record itself, Alien consists of 5 tracks total, 4 of which are assuredly a treat to any fan of the band's first three, amazing albums. I'll be honest with you, Tankard 1986-1989 is a pretty monumental period for any band to have, and I have enjoyed the material from it for 20+ years, never once relenting or feeling that is has gone stale. In fact, early Tankard is one of the very few exceptions I make to my 'thrash should not be retarded and unfunny when striving for humor' policy, because there is just something so authentic and charming about a pack of wild Germans who saw Destruction, Sodom and Kreator ripping the lid off of hell or taking a piss on the realm world, and then running in the opposite direction to sing about aliens, alcohol, moshing, and did I mention that they liked to drink?

The Euro-layman humor continues with this material, the best of which would be the three unreleased studio tracks. "Alien" is a sporadic rush of speed metal wildfire with out of control riffing reminiscent of The Morning After or Chemical Invasion with lyrics about an extra terrestrial squatter who stole Gerre's food, sold off his porno magazines and most importantly, drank all of his beers! What the fuck?! Call the men in black. Not cool at all! "666 Packs" is an attempt to take the piss out of commercialized Satanic metal. Now, I'm not aware that much of this really existed...ever, but I guess I'll take their word on it, especially when the music is this fucking KICK-ASS. Note the deep sample in the chorus, and the frothing, ballistic guitar work here. Probably the best song on the EP, but "Live to Dive" does not disappoint either, a frantic high velocity tribute stage diving concert goers, especially those that are drunk and out of their right minds.

Rounding out the experience is a cover of Rose Tattoo's "Remedy", from the Australian hard rock acts' self-titled, 1978 debut. It's obviously not as wild as the new originals, but for what its worth, I had a good time with this. It's fun to hear Gerre and Tankard cover a song like this, since the attitude overlaps so well with their cirrhosis-bound rebellion. Sadly, the band have seen fit to close the EP with "(Empty) Tankard", which already appears on the debut album. It might have been a better idea to just leave this off, or include a live track or some other unreleased studio song, perhaps even one of the band's demos in its entirety, but alas...

Overall, Alien is good and worth tracking down if you're a collector or just some diehard raging German speed/thrash fanatic. If you enjoyed the riffing and vocals of the first three full-lengths, there's no way you're going to wanna miss out on "Alien", "666 Packs" or "Live to Dive", and "Remedy" is probably one of the better cover songs they've released (they've got a few on some of their albums through the years), paying tribute to a band worthy of much more attention the world over.

Verdict: Win [7.5/10] (on stage we slaughter poultry, in songs we slaughter man)

http://www.tankard.info/