Masters of Horror S2 10: We All Scream for Ice Cream (2007)

Two good episodes in a row? I don't know if I can handle this. We All Scream for Ice Cream is adapted from the John Farris short story, and directed by Tom Holland (Fright Night, Child's Play, Thinner). It's enjoyable due to the performance of William Forsythe, and Holland's direction recalls the freaky fun of his earlier work, or the televised version of It, or Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

***CHEERY SPOILERS***

Something is stalking a group of grown men in an average, suburban town. As children, these men were once a group of friends who accidentally got a mentally handicapped ice cream clown killed while playing a malicious trick on him. Buster the clown has a very interesting means of revenge: he appears, usually at night, in his creepy, phantom ice cream truck, and croaks "I Scream...You Scream...We All Scream for Ice Cream" on the loud system, which hypnotizes the neighborhood children. If the children should eat his ice cream, their parents' MELT!

I spoiled it, sure, but it's all obvious from the first 10 seconds of the episode. The main reason to watch this episode is because William Forsythe is fantastic as Buster, both in the flashbacks to living Buster and the psychotic ice cream clown from beyond the grave. You really feel for this poor guy, though I question why one of the 'boys' was killed as he refused to partake in the cruel prank that killed Buster to begin with. Colin Cunningham is pretty good as the troublemaker Virgil, and I enjoyed the scene in which Layne (Lee Tergesen) visited him to figure out what was going on.

We All Scream for Ice Cream is not deep, but it's amusing, just like good old Fright Night. Campy old school horror that you could probably watch with your kids, if you dare...

Verdict: Win [7/10]

Masters of Horror S2 09: Right to Die (2007)

Right to Die is directed by Rob Schmidt, the man who has brought you Eliza Duskhu horror films such as Wrong Turn and The Alphabet Killer. It's one of the stronger episodes of the series, and like Pelts and Pro-Life before it, takes a rather...interesting spin on a popular issue (and this time, successfully).

***RIGHT TO SPOILER***

Cliff Addison (Martin Donovan of Weeds) and wife Abby (Julie Benson of Stargate Universe) are having some relationship problems when Cliff crashes his car, driving off the road and managing to get her burned alive. Her skin is completely melted off and she is kept in the hospital, still breathing, as her husband and mother begin a media battle over her fate.

Well, obviously there are many twists and turns to this story. The couples' relationship issues stemmed from Cliff's infidelity with saucy nurse Trish, which Abby had discovered after the idiot was discovered in the act on his cell phone. Abby may or may not have the ability to use psychic powers to affect those around her, and these powers may even be deadly. There are some further twists which I will keep to myself, and a beautifully gory scene where Dr. Cliff gases Trish and removes all her skin to graft onto Abby.

Right to Die is fun, it's demented, and quite racy. It's not shocking, but the implications are a little frightening. And those of you who have been gawking over Benson's breasts in the first season of Stargate Universe should watch this episode, since there is one very revealing scene that will allow you to finally get it all out of your systems and leave her alone. This was one of the better, consistent episodes of the 2nd season so far. It's not perfect, but it is fun enough.

Verdict: Win [7/10]

Masters of Horror S2 08: Valerie on the Stairs (2006)

Valerie on the Stairs is the 8th episode in season 2 of Masters of Horror, and directed by Mick Garris, the man responsible for giving us this show in the first place. His previous entry, Chocolate, was not one of my favorites of the original season, and though this story was a little more immersive, I found it largely forgettable.

***SPOILERS BLOCK***

Rob Hanisey is an unpublished young author, broke, down on his luck, and dumped by his girlfriend. He gets a rare opportunity to take a room at a place called Highberger House, a sort of boarding house for unpublished authors. This is a cool idea, the coolest in the story...once a resident is published, they have to move out and move on. The other residents of the place include a Southern romance writer, a grumpy old pulp horror/sci-fi author (played well by Christopher Lloyd), and another younger writer.

Rob settles in to a previous tenant's room (who killed himself), and tries to write, but is interrupted when he discovers a beautiful ghost (Clare Grant) who is in distress. The other tenants act like Rob is crazy and tell him to shut up, but it turns out...you guessed it...there is a dark secret! The fair maiden Valerie and her demonic tormentor (Tony Todd basically playing himself) are the product of a collaboration between the three other tenants, a story so vivid that it has taken flesh within Highberger House. Todd begins killing these writers, and it's up to Rob to save the day and get the girl!

As you can see, the story is quite weak...and what's worse, it ends with a pretty ham-fisted attempt at symbolism. Is Rob a real person? Or is he also written into the story? Why is his 'ex-girlfriend' hanging in the demon's crypt, and why did she bite Christopher Lloyd to death? If you really care, kill the 50 minutes and watch the episode. It's not the worst this season, but I was yawning half way through.

Verdict: Indifference [5/10]

Masters of Horror S2 07: The Screwfly Solution (2006)

The Screwfly Solution is an adaptation of a short story by by James Tiptree Jr. (Alice Sheldon's male pen name), directed by Joe Dante (Gremlins). The concept behind this episode is one of the more intriguing in the entire Masters of Horror series, but this hour length treatment really doesn't do it quite enough justice.

***SPOILERS REGARDLESS OF GENDER***

A virus has spread across the Earth, starting in the Horse latitudes, which causes male humans to become mysogynistic and murderous against women. Religions have sprung up citing the return to the Garden, the sons of Adam, who smite the treacherous whore Eve and her descendents who have destroyed the innocence of Man. Of course, this is actually an alien plot to exterminate the human race without having to lift a finger, and a pretty good one. Anne Alstein must hold out and somehow survive...

Throughout the short film, as the femicides gather momentum, we see numerous scenes of women being abused and killed, with noone apparently lifting a finger to save them. But this is such a huge story that we always feel rushed. Had the film not spent so much time with its major protagonists, we could have seen more of the epidemic's effect around the world for a more horrific experience. There's not much gore here...some stabbings, and a bag made out of a woman's breast, but the story has an ominous potential without requiring it.

The acting here is so-so, with Jason Priestly playing Brendan Wals...I mean Alan Alstein. Elliot Gould is the gay scientist Barney, and Kerry Norton is Anne. There are some cool scenes, but not much is required of the actors, since we focus only on a small domestic group. The film moves through several locations, but not enough: I maintain that this exact script, taken on a larger budget and global scale, could be a major success for sci-fi/horror movie. As it stands, it's simply a curiosity with little punch to it.

Verdict: Indifference [6.5/10]

Masters of Horror S2 06: Pelts (2006)

I'm not a Dario Argento fan, and have never been into his acclaimed 'Three Mothers' trilogy or giallos. He's always created some ghastly death scenes, but these have never been enough for me to sit through 90+ minutes of boredom. However, his Jennifer was a creepy tale, easily one of the best to air during the first season of Masters of Horror. So I was looking forward to his next entry...

***SKINLESS SPOILERS***

Perhaps I should not have been so hasty. Because Pelts is pretty much shit. What is it with this season of the show, so many 'big ticket issues' turning up in the titles. Pro-Life? Pelts? Right to Die? Argento's latest offering is the simple story of cursed pelts that cause those who covet them to kill themselves in gruesome ways. No raccoon attacks, no mink attacks, nothing really interesting happens except for the final 5-10 minutes in which Meat Loaf gets it on with a stripper, gets cursed by the pelt coat he made for her walkway debut, then tears his own skin off to offer it to her. All the earlier deaths in the film are gruesome, but wasted. Kid places his own head in a bear trap. Asian woman sews up her face to death. Guy pulls out his entrails.

If you could put those scenes into a 15 minute highlight reel, it would make the remainder of the film obsolete. The silly message behind the movie is far from effective. Although the gore is comparable, this is even worse than The V Word.

Verdict: Fail [3/10]

Masters of Horror S2 05: Pro-Life (2006)

Pro-Life is essentially John Carpenter having a little fun at the expense of all the absurd abortion clinic shootings, or the pro-life/pro-choice debate in general. It's got a lot of the typical Carpenter wackiness, and you could consider it a cheaper alternative to a film like Prince of Darkness.

It's also pretty dumb.

***PRO-SPOILERS***

Caitlin Wachs plays Angelique, the daughter of fundie maniac Dwayne (Ron Perlman), who has already earned himself a restraining order from the local abortion clinic. Angelique is nearly run over and picked up by two of the medical staff at the clinic, who then drive her there to take care of any injuries she may have sustained. Well, it turns out Angelique is pregnant...and not by the normal source. She wants her unborn child removed, but daddy just showed outside in a red van. The security guards and Dwayne try and work it out, but they're not budging. He's not getting in, and they're not letting the girl out. So Dwayne and his three sons blast their way inside, a firefight ensues, lots of people die, the 'baby' is born, more people die.

Ron Perlman tries to play the loyal, Godfearing militant, but in a story this absurd, could anyone pull it off? The deaths are rarely gruesome, except for a few gunshots. When the 'papa demon' shows up to retrieve its child, and confronts some of the surviving staff, you never get to see any of their deaths. It feels cheap after you were at least given some firearm gore. The rest of the acting sucks and it fails to even entertain for laughs. The only fairly cool part is where Dwayne gives the Head Physician a male abortion...

After an episode as great as Sounds Like, this was a major letdown, ranking among the lowest trash Carpenter has delivered (Ghosts of Mars, etc). It's not really preachy about its premise, but it's also a waste of what could have been a decent opportunity for a horror show.

Verdict: Fail [4/10]

Masters of Horror S2 04: Sounds Like (2006)

Sounds Like is an excellent work of psychological horror, the first 'must-see' episode of the 2nd season of Masters of Horror. That it comes from director Brad Anderson is little surprise; he has already provided the world with a pair of mind fucks in Session 9 and The Machinist.

***SPOILERRRRRRRRS***

Larry Pearce is a call center monitor for a software company, but he's also got a special gift...he can hear things, really well. TOO well. After the tragic death of his son to a rare heart disorder, this ability has been driving him nearly to the brink. Anywhere he seems to go, even a public library, the smaller sounds begin to amplify and horrify him. Dealing with the stress of his work, a wife who has also gone a little buggy in her own way, and all of the sounds...may be a little more than Larry can handle. But he discovers one solution to relieve his problem...a deadly solution.

Chris Bauer is a phenomenal actor, who I can watch in just about any role he is given. Most would know him as the alcoholic short fuse deputy Andy Bellefleur on the True Blood TV series, but he's had quite a few roles before that. Bauer is perfect for this character, an everyman with a great wealth of facial expressions and emotional range. He truly nails Larry Pearce, and we are all the richer for it. His aura seeing wife, Brenda, is performed well by Laura Margolis.

Sounds Like is not a gore fest like many other Masters of Horror epidoes, it's almost entirely psychological, with but a few gooey scenes near the climax. It slowly burns on the viewer like a quality Hitchcock film, and in the end, it's one of the most terrifying things I've seen on TV. The strings and sounds are expertly placed to build maximum tension, and the end of the film is simultaneously sad, beautiful and terrifying.

By far one of the highlights of this TV series, in either of its seasons, Sounds Like is essential viewing for a fan of the true, old school horror that requires no massive body count or alien special effects.

Verdict: Epic Win [9/10]

Masters of Horror S2 03: The V Word (2006)

I'm not well versed in the films of Ernest Dickerson. I've vaguely remember seeing Bones (the Snoop Doggy Dogg horror flick...) and Demon Knight, which were pretty lousy, and possibly a few of his TV episodes (Dexter, Stargate Universe, and The Wire), which weren't all bad. Nonetheless he is at the helm for the 3rd episode of Masters of Horror, season 2.

***WORD UP. SPOILERS***

The V Word is a fairly simple vampire premise about a pair of teen boys who decide to go see a dead body at the local funeral home, where Justin's relative works alone on the night shift. They happen to arrive the same night a grisly vampire has shown up and killed the caretaker. Somehow, even though they let themselves in, the doors are locked and they cannot escape. They run into the vampire, Mr. Chaney (played fiendishly by Michael Ironside), as they are seeking another Exit. One of the boys is turned, the other escapes to his home, where his friend turns up and...well, you get it.

This is a pretty weak episode for Masters of Horror, probably the worst I have seen up to this point. The video game references make it feel hashed and cheap, and I'm sorry...Doom 3 doesn't have point scoring or an infinite blood supply. Michael Ironside is great, as usual, but he has nothing to work with here. I did think the film had a dark, appropriate mood for its subject matter. This is no Twilight sissy shit, it's a pretty gory film. Full vampires are carnal, savage beasts in this universe. But it's just not ominous enough, even when Mr. Chaney is revealed to be a vampire pederast. One of the boys goes up in flames, the other does a Blade impersonation on the way to New York. Ooooo....scary.

The V Word sucks. However, since this has the best decapitation by Sawzall ever featured in a vampire film, I am awarding it an extra 1/2 point.

Verdict: Fail [3.5/10]

Masters of Horror S2 02: Family (2006)

Some part of me has always wanted to see George Wendt perform the role of a schizophrenic serial killer who creates a delusional family for himself out of his victims' skeletons. Thanks to John Landis and the Masters of Horror, this part of me has been fully satisfied.

***NEIGHBORLY SPOILERS***

Family makes up for the lackluster Damned Thing with the tale of Harold, the lonely o/c serial killer who lives out his sicks dreams in suburbia. Harold painstakingly prepares his family members for their new roles. After stalking and murdering them, he uses a tub of acid to strip the bones of all their blood and tissue, then boils and cleans them, wires them into a semblance of completion and dresses them. When a new family member is needed? Done. But sometimes, you have to replace someone...and the arrival of two new neighbors, Celia (Meredith Monroe) and David (Matt Keeslar), concurs with his growing problems with imaginary wife Jane. Harold begins his relationship with the pair after an accident...

I've said enough already, but trust me when I say that you want to watch this one, it's a lot of fun and you'll be laughing your own skin off. George Wendt (Cheers) plays the subdued yet strangely menacing Harold, in what is probably the best Masters of Horror casting move since Michael Moriarty's 'Wheeler' in the 1st season episode Pick Me Up. This guys is fucked, and has his routine down very well. The new neighbors perform adequately the role of a troubled couple, and when the twist arrives, well...they perform more than adequately :) Also, props for making Harold a fan of Christian music radio.

Family is the kind of funny suburban horror comedy that will probably appeal to fans of a film like The Burbs, but really, anyone can enjoy this, as long as you have a taste for ghoulish humor and serial killers. You definitely don't want this version of Norm Peterson living in your neighborhood!

Verdict: Win [7.5/10]

Masters of Horror S2 01: The Damned Thing (2006)

Having truly enjoyed several episodes from the first season of Mick Garris' horror anthology Masters of Horror, I was eagerly awaiting the followup. The first episode aired in October 2006, an adaptation of Ambrose Bierce's short story The Damned Thing, directed by none other than Tobe Hooper (Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Lifeforce, and the Masters of Horror first season episode "Dance of the Dead").

***SPOILERS IF YOU CARE***

Sherriff Kevin Reddle comes from a cursed family. His folks survived a horrible mass murder in a neighboring town, but when they fled to nearby Cloverdale, the madness followed. The Damned Thing is an insanity inducing, vengeful force which drives people to murder and/or suicide. Reddle's daddy shot his mom and tried to kill Kevin, but the Damned Thing slew his father right before his eyes...saving young Kevin. It's now over two decades later, and the Damned Thing has returned...get ready for some redundancy!

Sean Patrick Flannery plays the brooding, trouble Sherriff Reddle, but unfortunately the character felt like a dull cliche. Random suicides, gore spews in a few scenes, townsfolk kill each other. But since this is a short film for TV, with almost no character development, you don't really care. The story is predictable and frankly, for Tobe Hooper, the characters are simply not entertaining. The town priest (Ted Raimi) and local newspaper reporter seem to know more than they let on, but neither turns out to be a very interesting character and they are dispatched in due haste. The special effects are meh and since the creature itself is unseen most of the time, so it's difficult to feel any real terror. The invisible assailant was already perfected with Forbidden Planet, and if not that, then Predator. Here it just blows. There are no rules. It just runs about eviscerating random people, and if not they start to go insane and kill one another anyway.

Sadly, season 2 of Masters of Horror was off to a pretty ineffectual start.

Verdict: Indifference [5/10]