Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)

SPOILERS AHEAD. Not that you should care.

Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave is apparently the fifth film in a series that goes back to the mid-80s, although you couldn't tell from watching it. The title tells you two things: zombies, cheesiness. While the latter is there, it's not in the fashion of Shaun of the Dead, rather in a hamfisted manner that isn't funny or entertaining unless you happen to enjoy movies that are just genuinely bad. The story is this: two gangsters (could be Russian or Italian, their accents are so bad I couldn't tell) are searching for canisters of toxic zombie gloop, one of which falls into the hands of a college student who uses it to create a new drug. It turns the user into a zombie, of course, and you can see where things are going considering the movie is named after a rave.

The zombies all look really unimpressive, most of them with just facial makeup, and their shambles are unconvincing when they bother to even try. What's more is there are actually not that many in the film. Even during the big party where a drug that literally turns you into a zombie, there's just extras running around in the background and no horde to speak of. The one makeup job that is actually pretty good is an apparent holdover of the series, a single toxic zombie who feels tacked on, and never gets into any action. Literally. He's pointless in the movie, looking scary and yet used as a comic relief briefly and uneffectively.

The characters are cardboard cutouts, and after watching the entire movie last night I could not tell you their names. I even glanced through the cast on IMDB, and the only thing I recognized from the entire body of work was one girl's work on the Buffy spin off Angel. It definitely shows in their acting, and the editing doesn't do them any favors. Pauses between lines simply go on too long. There's no real pacing, the movie is simply stuck in first gear from the getgo. The wardrobe looks like stuff middle schoolers or high school freshmen would wear.

There are some half-decent zombie deaths, but as far as humans go, it's bad. They bite the skull directly nine times out of ten, and it looks more as if they're pulling red hair off the scalp than doing any damage. The movie has the occasional appearance of breasts to keep you awake, and wow, is it ever needed. One good thing about the movie is it looks decent, like a glossy studio comedy. However, whatever credit that might have gave it is pissed away in a part where there is strobing lights that will literally make your eyeballs hurt. I had to look away.

A look at the DVD case art would lead the inexperienced buyer to think that this movie is legitimate, which is unfortunate as it is a steaming pile of shit. I could go on and on about how bad this movie is, but I think I've already wasted enough of my time with this cash grab failure. Stay far away.

Verdict: Epic Fail [0/10]

http://www.returnofthelivingdead4and5.com/

Sadistic Grimness - Asteni (2009)

This Swedish hybrid of black, death and thrash metal has existed for nearly a decade, with a membership culled from other bands across the underground (Grief of Emerald, Diabolicum, etc). Asteni is their second full-length effort, with a style dispersed and surreal much like the odd choice in cover art (to be fair, the surreality of the image is cool, it's the imposition of the band and album logos which cheapens it).

At any rate, they wander a landscape of chugging bass, carnal black/death guitar scathing, and shifts from grinding intensity to a sparse discord created through the guitars. "Lieath" is a great example, some fine blasting which breaks down into a powerful wall of chords with a hybrid of growls and effective, creepy clean vocals. The title track opens with a creepy atmosphere composed of slowly building drums, syrup-like bass and simple, eerie guitar lines, erupting into a slow, grooving death/doom verse. "Rotting in Solitude" is simply ferocious, the bass is perfectly grinding and distorted and the breakdown death metal riffs are great. "Lower the Casket" is another rager, with some nice moments of chug and blast. There are a few tunes like "The Birth" which I didn't enjoy as much, the riffing was familiar and redundant, but even here, once the band slows down to a crawl the song improves.

The album is dowsed in a dark, damp feel which rounds out the disturbing versatility. Essentially Asteni is the roller coaster of a troubled mind, just as often rotting in despair as it is erupting in frantic anger. Though the bass is reminiscent of what is used in a lot of the Swedish old school death metal, it's a very important vehicle for this band's ghastly ruminations, I'd also consider it the central instrument of the better songs on the album. Sadistic Grimness have a pretty different style, conjuring a lot of dirty old school influence but channeling it into an effective, desolate concept.

Verdict: Win [7/10]

http://www.myspace.com/sadisticgrimness

Eradicator - The Atomic Blast (2009)

One glance at this cover art and you know exactly what you're in for...retro, old school thrash metal. Fortunately, Germans Eradicator go one further than just cashing on this irritating trend of late: they actually spend some time writing their songs, because having good riffs is what made the original thrash bands memorable to begin with.

The sound of this band instantly brings to mind a whole slew of names: Vendetta and Destruction foremost among them, as German forebears, but you can also hear a lot of American influence a la early Anthrax or Overkill. The writing is tight and I couldn't hear a single riff out of place. The majority of the tracks center on good old metal concepts like warfare and urban violence, with only one 'goofy' mandatory cut "Thrashing Through the Pit", which is kind of like old Tankard meets the "Toxic Waltz". As for choosing some prime ribs off this beast, I'll go with the latter middle portion of the record. "Never Surrender" and "Trigger to Apocalypse" are both pretty kickass tunes which sparked my nostalgia and took me back to 1988. Head banging did happen. The closing track "Nothing But Ashes Remain" is also quite good with a nice melodic thrashing to it.

The mix is fairly clean, you can hear all the instruments clearly, and the vocals of Sebastian perfectly conjure that old, accented Euro trashing feeling. Nothing fancy, just a bunch of guys committed to disc, with an organic sound they could easily transpose to the stage. The Atomic Blast is a pretty good debut, just don't expect anything new. They could probably amplify the excitement level of their music for a future album, a little faster and more deadly, but as it stands, Eradicator is at least offering some consistent thrash metal worthy of the genre.

Verdict: Win [7/10]

http://www.eradicator.de/

Chainsaw - Zombie Holocaust (2009)

Another young death metal band fresh out of Mexico, Chainsaw makes use of a grooving, grinding Carcass meets Necrophagist style to deliver some catchy riffs. Vocals are separated into their requisite alternating growls and snarls, and the guitars are truly thick in the mix here (almost to a fault, more on that later).

I was immediately struck by the first track "Anal amputation" because it provoked so many questions...how does one amputate an anus? I'm willing to believe it's possible...I'm sure there is scientific documentation somewhere. Do you actually carve out the anus to amputate it? It's generally not an external appendage though I suppose it could be infected and distended and then somehow cut free...fascinating. Or perhaps the anus itself is doing the amputation? At any rate the track blasts in with some pretty winding, tight riffs and then your pit-friendly breakdowns. Honestly the material is far from unique, yet it feels fresh, crunchy and entertaining. There is some technical skill here as some of the riffs can grow flighty and complex (reminiscent of Necrophagist). There are seven tracks total here, one of which is a brief interlute ("Gore and Candy"). Of the remainder, I enjoyed "Crucifix Dildo" and the short but sweet "Bodies in the Sewer".

The album sounds pretty good for a self-released effort, but at 18 minutes length it's more like a debut EP. The drums are very tinny and the bass a little out of range, but this is primarily because the guitars are so meaty and thick, driving down the center of the mix along with the vocal vomit. In a way, this actually works out in the band's favor, because it produces a fresh feel to their sound. I can't vouch for the lyrical matter of the band, it seems to rely safely on the same zombies, murder and gore so many bands have already beaten to death (haw haw). It looks like they had some fun doing that cover! And while there is nothing revolutionary or truly commendable here, it's a fun little brutal death album for a few spins. The promo is available through the band.

Verdict: Indifference [6.5/10]

http://www.myspace.com/chainsawband

Iron Maiden - The Number of the Beast (1982)

A year prior, Paul Di'anno had become a footnote in the annals of one of heavy metal's legendary bands. But who was this new guy? Oh sure, he fronted obscure NWOBHM beefcakes Samson, but would he stand and deliver for the rapidly escalating Iron Maiden?

Over the past 27 years, it's safe to say this question has been answered. Bruce Dickinson came, saw and conquered, as early as his full-length debut with Maiden upon which he already has the chops of a seasoned veteran. The rest of the album wasn't too shabby either, as an increased quality of melody and songcraft permeates The Number of the Beast. The s/t debut and certainly Killers had their fair share of memorable tunes, but this is just about perfect, with the possible exception of "Invaders", a somewhat dull track that unfortunately opens the album.

So we'll skip that and move along to the solid steel bliss that is the remainder of this timeless exercise in 'eavy metal. "Children of the Damned" is nigh invincible, proof Dickinson was comfortable over more than triplets and power chords. A flowing, catchy acoustic track which lapses perfectly into a gleaming chorus, with a dual lead rocking bridge. "The Prisoner" makes great use of a sample from its namesake espionage TV show, and then Clive Burr kicks up a storm of rockin' beats, while the song also features some great Harris grooves and licks.

Not a prisoner I'm a free man
And my blood is my own now
Don't care where the past was
I know where I'm going ... out

My sentiments exactly! Following this we get the pseudo-sequel to "Charlotte the Harlot", that being "22 Acacia Avenue" with its montage of shifting beats and groove beneath some of Dickinson's most venomous lines on the album. Next up is the title track, one of Maiden's most infamous compositions and in all likelihood the best on this particular album. As much as we'd all like this to be about the devil (including cover artist Derek Riggs), it supposedly isn't. I like to think it's based on the Heinlein novel of the same name (certainly a source Maiden has used for inspiration elsewhere), but aside from the name, it's really not. "Run to the Hills", yet another of their live staples, follows with its elegy to the American Indian. It's rarely left their set in close to three decades. "Gangland" is a balls out rocker comparable to the style you'd hear in other early NWOBHM like Motorhead and Saxon, though hammered with those classic melodies only Maiden was adept at. "Hallowed by Thy Name" is the epic closure to the original album, a lengthy and moodier piece which foreshadowed others to come.

What more to be said for an album which is worshiped by millions of human beings, many of whom consider it their very best. I dare to disagree with such a sentiment, as I found "Invaders" a bit weak and the album not nearly as catchy as the next three. The Number of the Beast is surely the beginning of the band's strongest stretch of material (ending with Somewhere in Time), and nearly every track is an outright classic. With evocative and meaningful lyrics and subject matter, class act riffing and overall amazing musicianship for 1982, they were now the band to beat. Oh, sure, it'd happen in a year or so...but there simply were no other bands of this period as well rounded as Maiden when it came to creating interesting metal music which has survived in the minds of so many until this very day...

Verdict: Epic Win [9.25/10] (yes I fucking did)

http://www.ironmaiden.com/

Star Trek (2009)

Of all the intellectual properties you could hope to resuscitate, Star Trek has to be the toughest. After a faltering pair of films with the Next Generation cast and the gradual death of the TV franchise through the money whoring abuse of Rick Berman and Brannon Braga (aka the on/off Voyager and the abysmal Enterprise), our beloved science fiction continuum had been put out to pasture for a few years. Let's face it, Star Trek needed the vacation. And after seeing this fair but ultimately futile attempt, I wonder if it would have benefited from a little more time off...

SPOILERISM. Don't want any? Skip to the score.

Now, before I proceed, I get that the primary filmgoing audience of the early 21st century has shifted to a new generation of young turks who want lots of explosions, plot holes, sexy girls and gritty dialogue and basically Battlestar Galactica-remake-tinted emo everything. The new Star Trek features all of these things and the sleek (though shoddy) CGI design it's been forging for the past 20+ years. It also features some of the most hideous, overrused plot devices that have been destroying genre fiction for decades. Yes, Star Trek is no newcomer to the use of time travel, dozens of episodes and even previous films have dealt heavily with it. So why do we need to use it again, exactly!? Perhaps so we can provide a cameo/deus ex machina with Leonard Nimoy and pretty much eliminate any sense of investment one could possibly place in this script. The film operates with almost no rationale as it attempts to propel its ludicrous revenge plot along through action sequence after sequence.

So, a supernova (a universal event far beyond the control of most mortals...oh wait, apparently not in the super science of the 24th-25th century) blows earlier than expected, and this guy decides he's going to kill a score or more entire species who had NOTHING to do with it? Splendid. 'I don't like how they looked at me' would be a more compelling motive, but alas we have Eric Bana trying his best to craft a villain whose substance is no deeper than the ten minute tribal henna he and his crew wear to look totally BADASS. I suppose I can't blame him completely, it's not as if he was written even a shred of decent dialogue. He's essentially a composite of previous Star Trek film villains Soren (Generations), Shinzon (Nemesis), and Khan, driven by a fanaticism that will never redeem him. The Narada is a pretty badass looking ship for a mining/cargo vessel, but didn't we just have a frightening black enemy ship in the previous film (the Scimitar)?

On the other hand, the younger selves of the classic Enterprise crew do a pretty standout job. Zachary Quinto is a natural for Spock, both in facial structure and ability. I had hesitations about Chris Pine, but he proved himself more than worthy for that chair, without ever lapsing into Shattner caricature. As for Bones, he is in perhaps the best hands of the three. It's great to see Karl Urban in this type of role, the guy can obviously act far beyond the limited scope of his past action heroes and villains. He literally channels DeForest Kelley here. The supporting cast are decent. Sulu and Chekhov get some screen time and Uhura gets more than she's probably ever had. As for Scotty...well, I found it hard to separate Scotty from the Pegg of his other roles, but it didn't help that his character was thrown in essentially as an addendum to the other deux ex machina. Also noteworthy are the performances of Bruce Greenwood as Captain Pike and Ben Cross as Sarek. I could have done without the Winona Ryder and Tyler Perry cameos, but they were brief and inconsequential.

Another of the strong points to the film is Abrams' loyalty to the canon of Trek. There are droves of fanservice moments, from Sulu's fencing to Kirk's mountain climbing (all of which would manifest in the series and later films) to a fucking Captain Archer reference (ugh!). Red shirts look out. Kobayashi Maru confirmed. Also...Slusho. Yeah. The Enterprise itself looks pretty swank, though the interior is quite different than what we're used to from TOS (we all knew it would). It's also clear with this time travel/alternate timeline plot that Abrams has every intention of covering his ass with this film (and any future installments), and while I ultimately question the need for separate timelines or continuity, it's better than nothing. But this leads to much of the frustration I have in thinking back on the film:

Was this necessary at all? Just because we've rounded up some actors who have a dignity and loyalty to their forebears, and a director and writing staff with a good grasp of the lore, is this enough to force us through a pretty shabby script with a forgettable antagonist? I mean aside from the fan candy there is just nothing to grasp on to, certainly nothing that could take the place of classic Trek and the chemistry and performance of the original actors, which needed no fixing. After suffering through 4 seasons of Enterprise, did we need another prequel? Abrams probably could have taken Trek somewhere new...instead he took it somewhere we've already been. And if we have sequels with this cast, how well can we internally divorce the timelines? Many of us can probably separate the continuities, but why even bother with them? What about the normal Star Trek canon? Can't we do something with that?

Although my disappointment has only grown in the days since viewing the film, I don't want to come across as too hard on this movie. The cast was good. The director had good intentions. The action is meh. It's got plenty of those Hollywood narrow escapes, but Trek always has. The fan service is plentiful. The music is decent. There is little to no creativity. I could ramble endlessly about nit picks like what I consider the misuse of an Orion slave girl, or why you have warp drive yet don't know the gender of your unborn child (I'll concede that you could always choose NOT to know in advance). This is not such a bad version of Star Trek, and perhaps now that we've got the origin story out of the way, we're in for a decent sequel with a more interesting plot. I hope to hell an Abrams-helmed Star Trek II will NOT be a Wrath of Khan retread.

You knew the 'boldly go' speech was coming at some part of the film, Abrams chose the end of his film and, out of respect, the voice of Leonard Nimoy. So, assuming he's going to film another chapter, how about taking the content of those words to heart?

Verdict: Indifference [6.75/10] (but better than Cloverfield)

http://www.startrekmovie.com/

Graveland - Spears of Heaven (2009)

Lyrically this is standard Viking battle stuff, venerating Wotan and reveling in ancient temples and lost magics. Graveland has been around for over fifteen years now, but honestly this is my first exposure to them. The biggest problem that I have with black metal is that there is so much of it, so many one man outfits like Graveland's Rob Darken producing huge catalogues of music.

There is likely not enough time to properly enjoy it all. That being said his latest release Spears of Heaven is worth your time if you like the genre. What really stands out for me is the drumming. It is furious and lays down a rhythm that is ever marching forward. After a nice sampled chorus intro to the title track, the album builds up momentum that only relents in the last track. That last song "Return to the Northern Carpathian" pulls back the ferocity for the first four or five minutes to focus on the atmosphere. It didn't seem to fit with the rest of the album though and I'd probably skip it on replays.

Besides that last segment the synths are generally used to great effect, albeit sparingly. Like in "When Valkyries Come" they provide a nice hook, but in "Sun Wind" they build atmosphere before gradually giving way to the pounding rhythms.

I find it hard to differentiate between individual songs on many of these one-man black metal albums, but there is enough variety in the riffs to hold up interest across the albums 55 minutes. It is a solid piece in an crowded genre. Worth a listen if you've exhausted the latest from your favorite bedroom black metal artists.

Verdict: Win [7.5/10]

http://www.graveland.org

Primal Fear - 16.6 (Before the Devil Knows You're Dead) (2009)

It was sometime around 2:50 in the song "Riding the Eagle," where I knew it going to be tough to see this album through to the end. The riffs there and the solo following are best described as lifeless. Technically they aren't bad, the singing is fine and actually quite good in spots, but an intense feeling of boredom pervades the whole production.

This isn't helped when the second song is an arena rocker with the incomprehensible title "Six Times Dead (16.6)." It has that type of chorus that is meant to be bombastic, surely begging a sing-a-long chant from the audience. The problem, however, is that even vocalist Ralf Scheepers sounds like he'd rather be somewhere else.

Germany's Primal Fear takes their cues from Judas Priest, although they apparently haven't been executing that concept as well since their last album New Religion. I liked a few of the songs on that album and 16.6 (Before the Devil Knows You're Dead) is much in the same spirit. The difference is that the interesting segments on this album are fewer and far between, and what's worse is that for the most part I've heard them all before now.

If I could pay one compliment to Primal Fear, it is that there isn't anything as silly as "Everytime it Rains" on this album; though, they try with the semi-ballad "No Smoke Without Fire." "The Exorcist" is perhaps the strongest song on the album, featuring quick meaty riffs and the occasional high-pitched vocal, but even it is lacking in energy that a bunch of Germans singing about the devil ought to have.

For solid German power metal in 2009 check out Grave Digger's Ballad of a Hangman instead.

Verdict: Indifference [5/10]

http://www.primalfear.de/

Armagedon - Death Then Nothing (2009)

It may have taken 16 long years...but Poland's death cult Armagedon return for their sophomore effort, which should satisfy both fans of their cult album Invisible Circle and a broader circle of death metal connoisseurs. Their sound is what we all love most about the Polish scene: brutal and unflinching yet wholly encapsulated in the process of songwriting above technical flatulence. Death Then Nothing fits nicely along the sounds of countrymen Vader, Dies Irae, Hate, and Trauma, and it's ample proof that lightning can strike twice.

The majority of the Invisible Circle line-up returns for this recording. S³awomir Maryniewski retains his throaty punishment and the crisp mix creates a bleeding effect due to the razor old school picking. The title track initializes the album, a few strikes of the keyboard erupting into fast and eerily melodic death which immerses you directly into the band's dark, blasting frenzy. Riffs are kept fairly simple with the focus on their bleak environment and a slightly grinding edge. "Dead Code" leads off with a memorable melody before a verse groove with some light use of synth. I really enjoyed the ancient mystique of the chorus, created by the melody behind the death rhythm. "Enemy" creates a ferocious whirlwind onslaught. Listen no further for evidence that while Armagedon are an old band, they can easily keep up with the new kids. The remainder of the album is consistent in its delivery of Vader-level brutality with some classic underlying melody, but "Seeing is Believing", "Father of Oblivion" and "Emptiness Beyond Believe" are all standouts.

The guitars on the album sound thin and provide an efficient counterbalance to Maryniewski's vocals, which create a 'bottom end' for the album, since the bass isn't so audible unless you crank it. Otherwise, the mix is professional as you'd expect from veterans with their ears on the genre for a good many years. I hate to repeat myself, but his is definitely something you'll enjoy if you like Vader. While it doesn't quite trump the classic Invisible Circle, it's a welcome and serious comeback effort which makes it difficult to believe the band had ever left.

Verdict: Win [8/10]

http://www.armagedon.net.pl/

Diabolical - The Gallery of Bleeding Art (2008)

It took six years for Diabolical to release a follow up to A Thousand Deaths, and in that time it seems the band had decided to go into a more mature and technical sound while playing some extremely haunting music. Less angst and more evil. And the result was this short Hidden Gem LP The Gallery of Bleeding Art.

The Gallery of Bleeding Art begins with the short (0:25) orchestral intro "Caedes Profana" which segues into the title track, "The Gallery of Bleeding Art", and a great opening riff. The vocals of Magnus Ödling (Setherial) are a mix between blackened death and black, a great combination. "Extinction" shows off Ödling's epicly haunting vocals, and the end of the song fades into pure sound - an awesome end. "Pavor Nocturnus" is a fast evil thrasher with a mid that reminded me of Keep of Kalessin's Thebon. "Vertigo" is another great song, played in cool alternating ascending, descending fashion with some great evil vocals. "The One Who Bleeds" has a cool riff that plays throughout the song, and a really great solo near the end showing off the guitarwork of Sverker Widgren (Demonical) and Hans Carlsson (In Battle). "Religionism" is an angry anti-religion song, and "Ashes IV" ends the album with an epic six minute song, a minute acoustic interlude, and a slow boring outro, all rolled into one song.

Hopefully with this new found maturity Diabolical can return to the studio and record a longer follow-up - with longer intros (if you include them at all) that will better set the atmosphere and shorter outros that don't... suck - it will get them a bit of recognition that they deserve.

Verdict: Win [8.5/10]

http://diabolical.se/