The Food of the Gods (1976)

As much of a sucker as I am for films about giant-sized animals terrorizing human beings, The Food of the Gods is not one I've had the 'pleasure' of experiencing until recently, when the ladyfriend and I were in the mood for something a bit of awful to counteract the seriousness of our daily lives. It's a 70s piece based on a 1904 H.G. Wells novel that, despite its cautionary implications, has never been one of his most famous works, but nonetheless was ahead of its time if you take into account the thousands of environmental backlash science fiction stories and films that have since manifest due to the social conscience and political protest. When I say 'based on', I meant that in the loosest of terms, because it transplants a tiny bit of the tale into modern (70s) times, which is honestly part of why the film's plot falls to pieces in very short order...

GIANT SPOILERS AHEAD

This Food of the Gods is no Godzilla, so instead of mankind's destruction arriving in the form of a massive radioactive lizard due to nuclear testing, it gently bubbles up from the earth like a great bowl of curds 'n' whey, on a not so remote British Columbian island which we are given very little other information about. Directly on the property of a pair of the dumbest elderly folk you might ever see in a film, Mr. and Mrs. Skinner, one of whom has raced off on the local ferry to try and find more information and possibly profit from the discover. For, you see, ingestion of the 'F.O.T.G.' by young animals causes them to grow up to astounding heights, and through the film we see some cheesy transparent wasps (who solidify to a plastic like composition when they're actually on the body of an actor), rooster and chickens (somehow being kept in the Skinners' small barn), grub worms (I think in the original there were earwigs), and of course, the fucking rats, which are truly the stars of this piece, if there are any.

Onto this scene busts a pregnant couple, a trio of football guys (reduced to a 'pair' fairly early on), and a businessman who wants to exploit Mr. Skinner's discovery, not to mention his lovely assistant who is of course to be set up with the lead jock. I recognized a few of the actors, like Marjoe Gortner who was also in the awful sci-fi epic Starcrash as the lead, Ida Lupino as Mrs. Skinner, and Ralph Meeker of The Dirty Dozen and Kiss Me Deadly, but this was hardly a gathering of star power. Of course, being an archaic horror movie, most of the characters act completely irrational through the film, making terrible mistakes and not seeing the obvious 'writing on the wall', that their lives are in fucking danger from fucking giant fucking animals! Seriously, people, one WHIFF of a giant rooster, or a wasp turning my friend into a swollen bag of bruised skin and pus, and I am the hell out of this place, forever. I'll get the army, I'll get the mounties, or whatever those Canadians use to protect themselves. No way in hell am I keeping some in my barn, or leaving my elderly wife behind in a forest full of giant wasps and rats being led by a menacing albino...

And yet, there are many situations throughout this film that could just have been avoided with a little common sense. For example, in one scene, the jocks pull up in their nifty jeep to help out the pregnant couple, whose RV has been left stranded in a ditch on the road; they offer to take them along, but even though the couple has mentioned they saw something strange already, the guy decides the jocks can just pick them up on the way back. Really! He leaves himself and his very pregnant woman right in danger's path, and sure enough, the rats come along eventually (but I'll say no more). The lead football guy Morgan actually attempts to fight off the giant hordes of rats, and succeeds, thanks to his strangely MacGuyver like practicality and knowledge of guns, jury-rigged explosives, electrified fences (he's got a portable generator in the jeep) and how to blow up a dam...which leads me to the stupidest part of The Food of the Gods, its 'climax'...

So throughout the film, the giant rats and other animal effects are achieved through a mix of tricky camera work presenting real film of rats imposed against the actors, and various models (like the Skinner's house in the final showdown, clearly a model/dollhouse tot he point its distracting). During close-ups of biting and killing, they're represented by what look like giant animatronic heads...pretty cool, actually. Once in awhile there is some degree of pathos when they're dragging down a dude and biting him to death, and in truth the rat actors handle this film like champs. Numerous rodents get shot with what seems to be air guns or paint balls of tomato paste or ketchup, and they go hurtling through the air. As lame and obvious as it seems, it's pretty darn fun. These things earned someone a paycheck for good reason. But then, in order to finish the fight, Morgan goes and blows up a damn. Yes, on a small island, which looks to have little other water than a few small ponds, there is suddenly this highland dam which is burst, then flows down and back UPHILL to the Skinners' place to drown the rats (who are not adapted to swim at their current size and weight).

Of course there was no real dam there, and you can faintly see the ocean behind it, so the water of the 'flood' is another special effect, and it all looks so hammy that any shredded suspension of disbelief that remained went right out the window in a fit of blustering laughter. What an inane ending to an inane film! Okay, so that's not 'exactly' the ending, but I won't reveal the predictable 'twist' after Morgan and the other survivors burn the rats bodies and clean up the drowned cottage. Let's just say you can see it coming from a few islands away, and it's been done dozens of times in other, similar ecologically-based films. Granted, for '76 it was more of a novel idea, but it still doesn't really explain where this shit came from to begin with? Hey, yeah, 'Food of the Gods'? Hi, it's Magma. Your neighbor. Yeah, the hot guy. Oil and I have decided that there's really no room for another volatile liquid beneath the earth, so you'll find an eviction notice posted to your stream. Actually, I like to imagine that there was fertility God lying in slumber beneath this island, and he had a wet dream which soaked through to the surface...

At any rate, this is a pretty shitty flick with a few laughs to it, that failed to make much of an impact during its box office haul and swiftly sunk to the level of B-horror. The actors don't try a hell of a lot, and why should they? The rats dominate most of the film, and even the 'sequel' that was released in the late 80s (with only a few story ties to this original). In HD there are a few nice scenes of the woods on the island, but apart from the hammy visuals of the rats and chickens, there aren't many effects of note. The score isn't particularly gripping or memorable, and the 'message' of the film has since been played out to death. It's also not really scary, as in many bad horror films the stupid victims resigned themselves to their deaths, when they should have been running. It's not like they weren't warned...so now I'm warning you, don't bother with this movie, even for free on Netflix, unless you're specifically seeking out something awful to kill time.

Verdict: Fail by the Tail [3/10]

Scanners (1981)

Though it's certainly one of the more 'dated' films in the David Cronenberg horror backlog, capturing its period through a number of unfortunate hair choices, computer clean rooms, mannerisms and way cool mall food court and record shop sets, Scanners remains one of my favorites from the director. It's one of the first films in memory to truly put a 'serious' spin on the entire psychic potential of the human race, and in that way it recalls traces of Bester's The Demolished Man or Silverberg's excellent Dying Inside, only with an exploding head to boot...and Michael FUCKING Ironside, in one of his defining roles, before his genius was rationed out to the B-movie circuit by directors and casting agents that simply cannot fathom or begin to utilize his talents.

***WHERE SPOILERS & GRATING SYNTHESIZERS COLLIDE***

You'd think I was joking, especially if you've seen some of the crap the guy has participated in for a mere paycheck, but I'm really not. He's a distinct actor, with a distinct look about him, and one of my favorites. As Daryl Revok, the rogue 'scanner' attempting to breed a new race to dominate mankind in this 1981 sci-fi/horror vehicle, he simply exudes menace, a magnificent demon that at one point drills a hole in his head to release some of the 'pressure' of hearing everyone's thoughts inside him. Opposite Ironside, we have Canadian painter Stephen Lack in a rare film appearance. Lack's bright blue eyes and demeanor seem perfect for the character of Cameron Vale, a vagabond Scanner who is being reserved as a foil for Revok, but the guy's acting does come off a little jilted in spot. Also appearing: Jennifer O'Neill as a female scanner, and Patrick McGoohan of The Prisoner fame (the original, not the shitty remake) as the ponderous Dr. Paul Ruth, who is responsible for the outbreak of these psychic powers.

The plot is pretty simple, and we're not really insulted by some lengthy exposition. Cameron Vale is recruited by Dr. Paul Ruth to track down and defeat Revok, after the latter goes on a killing spree, eliminating a number of agents that work for ConSec, your basic corporation up to no good as you'll find in many sci-fi or cyberpunk staples. Turns out there is a greater conspiracy at work here, and Scanners throws a few minor surprises at us over the course of its 103 minutes, but the real 'horror' of the movie comes in its mere implications. What would happen if people really had these powers? Would they use them for the betterment of all man? Or attempt to destroy and replace all of us 'normals'? I feel that Scanners takes a pretty realistic approach to this, especially when considers the castigation and revenge motivation of its antagonist. Granted, the sequence of events flows along a little too easily for your average mystery based narrative, but it's still pretty cool, for two glaring reasons beyond Ironside's performance:

These would be the score, and the special effects. The score is by Howard Shore, who many of you know from blockbusters like The Lord of the Rings films. But here, he's experimenting with turbulent electric sounds and simplistic synth-waves among more standard fare, and the result here is fucking brilliant, like Kraftwerk or some other primal electronic artist overdosing on Ephemerol (the Scanner-suppressant drug central to the storyline). It may feel very much planted in the late 70s experimentation of tech-savvy Krautrock or progressive rock bands, but it's perfect for the story, the setting, and the effects. Speaking of which, these are superb here, especially the infamous 'exploding head' scene and the end fight between Vale and Revok, which is arguably one of the coolest conflicts where neither opponent does anything but glare at one another. Veins stand out, fire bursts, and eyeballs melt. It's fucking great, and exactly what I would predict a psychic battle might look like!

Scanners is a lot of fun, if you can immerse yourself into its time and place, a sense of perspective that is obviously required of any intelligent moviegoer. It's not perfect, and in retrospect it might not seem particularly scary, until you muse of the possibilities were such an accidental adaptation to occur in our real world species. The music and effects were top notch, and Michael Ironside excels in one of his earlier roles. I would love to have seen his 'method acting' between the various scenes, a Daryl Revok stalking about scaring the shit out of everyone in the cast and crew. However, I must caution the reader that all sequels for this film must be avoided! None of them involve Cronenberg. Scanners II and III are mediocre at best, and the Scanner Cop films are pathetic, without even an ironic entertainment value.

Verdict: Win [8/10]

Cherie Priest - Boneshaker (2009)

Lately I've been trying to catch up on my Hugo award nominated novels, a process I've used in the past to discover a great number of hot authors and often hot streaks. Granted, the Hugo voting system is not without its flaws: members pay for the right to cast their vote, few of them have likely read a large field of authors producing genre works in a given year (excepting the authors themselves, who often vote), and you often wind up with mind numbingly underwhelming or indifferent works, when far more ambitious, unique stories go completely under the radar. Anyways, I've found a large number of authors through the nominations, and having already reviewed China Miéville brilliant gimmick wrapped up in mediocre detective romp The City & The City (which just tied to win the 2010 award with Paolo Bacigalupi's The Windup Girl), I've decided to flesh out at least a few of this year's selections.

***SPOILERS OFF THE STARBOARD BOW***

Cherie Priest is no newcomer to the 'steampunk' movement, with a number of novels already under her belt, but with her first Hugo nominated novel, has set out to create a tour de force series to help pour a little concrete into the newly focused sub-genre. Elements, in particular the technological level sand settings of this style have appeared for decades, but lately it's been all the rage, not only in fiction but in sub culture fashion. Boneshaker takes place in a Seattle devastated by a malfunctioning digging machine, which the lead characters' husband (and father) ambitiously created for the Russians who were digging Klondike gold in Alaska. The inventor, Leviticus Blue, succumbs to a little greedy hubris when he decides to use the digging machine to rob the local banks, accidentally releasing a poisonous gas ('Blight') that turns many of the denizens of 19th century Seattle into...you guessed it, zombies.

The events of the novel take place 16 years after the dreaded event, when Blue's wife Briar and son Ezekiel are living as paupers in the Outskirts, which lay beyond the wall that was built (in plenty of time, apparently) to cage in the zombie horde. Some scrappers and 'Doornails' have decided to remain, the ruined city is accessed only by airships and tunnels beneath the wall, and when 'Zeke' opts to seek out his family's Seattle home and possibly clear his father's name, Briar chases after him. The novel switches between both of these characters as they eventually converge in true Finding Nemo fashion, and the trade off thankfully keeps the action moving at an adequate pace. Neither of them is particularly interesting or likable with the exception of their affixed mother-son relationship, and they speed full steam engine ahead towards their not so happy ending and a minor revelation that in no way seems a justifiable payoff.

Along the way, we encounter grizzled Fallout-style apocalyptic survivors who have carved out a niche in the ruins, air pirates and smugglers (who honestly seem to just be here to include the stock steampunk airships within the story, which could have just as easily been replaced with a damned ladder for all we know). The zombies, or 'rotters' become the same mindless, running fodder rabble as they've appeared now in so many films and stories, and are very soon rendered all but harmless as they seem only able to take out minor characters that we have no concern for. In fact, they're rendered so non-frightening that one must sincerely wonder how they've kept their numbers up for over a decade? I understand that Priest shifted a few historical facts around, advancing the Klondike rush a few decades to make sure Seattle had a large enough population to boast a good number of the zombies, but still they remained finite to the point that they could easily have been dispatched.

It is this sort of disparate layout that actually crippled my enjoyment of the novel. The rotters are just one example. We are also presented with a cliche masked villain who turns out to be completely ineffectual. If it were so easy to overthrow this man, why had the Doornails and scrappers not already done it? Clearly he is not nearly the threat he is built up to be throughout the book, and this comes as a major disappointment. Peripheral characters are introduced, made out to be intimidating or important, then suddenly disappear. Much of the important final conflict between the rotters, the Doornails and Dr. Minnericht's sentries is offered in the background, feeling wholly anti-climactic, which is a shame as the action throughout the earlier chapters is fluid and keeps the pages turning.

Priest has a good grasp of the underlying mechanics to make all her gadgets work here, but as so often occurs in steampunk novels outside of The Different Engine, or Sean McMullen's close to steampunk Greatwinter trilogy, the technology is just 'there'. It's not irrelevant to the alternate history she's created, in fact it has played a major factor in steering that very history, but it's not really important to the story itself outside of just blending into the backdrop. This is pretty much your standard action packed ' family reunion' quest, and the pirates, the airships, the zombies and the underground survivors are all just disposable means to this end. Ultimately, I found the tale to be a little frustrating, because the setup itself seemed to reek of more than just the Blight, and the many interesting effects it has on the surrounding environment/society, and the cookie cutter villain is a major letdown.

Boneshaker is by no means a bad attempt. It provides a brisk if forgettable 400+ pages, and in spots, it creates the vague impression of 'fun' that one would expect from its constituent, if cliche components. I feel the author is more than adept at action and pacing, and quite descriptive, but none of the characters reined me in, and I'm a little surprised that something like this was Hugo worthy, though the voting committee has made concessions for far inferior novels in the past.

Verdict: Indifference [6/10]

Avatar (2009)

Considering the overwhelming negativity directed at James Cameron's Avatar before its theatrical release, I was really hoping that a whole lot of internet nerds would be eating their internet words; and that the movie would be a resounding success, straight in their faces. While the film has drawn considerable positive reviews (by an ever increasing armada of untrustworthy commercial critics who laud over its various cliches when they have condemned other films for the same), I have to admit that I was very disappointed by the movie itself. $500 million dollars and 14 years later, and this is the BEST story you can come up with? Did a meteor cross our sky in the past decade that showered stupid dust on all humanity? Avatar chokes out nearly every annoying genre cliche as it squanders its impressive budget on all manner of eye candy. But there is simply no substance...and it pains me greatly, because I was really hoping it would be a shining gem in a year that produced a lot of overrated garbage and very few films of lasting quality.

***SPOILATAR***

To begin, Avatar is basically just your typical science fiction/fantasy retelling of the Conquistadors invading Latin America, or the Colonials invading North America, or any one of a million exploits caused by the Great Evil White Man as he conquered and created the civilized world (and ironically, all the progress that brought films like Avatar into existence in the first place). The villains here are the humans who come from the dead Earth which they stripped and raped of all its resources, and yet have managed to create vast interstellar corporations which can hire massive private armies as much (if not more) power than the real ones. Giovanni Ribisi plays the corporate shill with only an inkling of conscience, and Stephen Lang plays the dangerous and ruthless Colonel Miles Quaritch. While I enjoy Lang in any role, and he does his best with this badass, driven good ol' boy soldier, we are unfortunately not given any reliable motivation for why this corporation is willing to commit genocide over Unobtanium. Yes, that is the name of the precious mineral the humans are trying to mine from Pandora (OLOL), the world on which the action is set. The natives here, the Na'vi, are a tall and graceful (and blue) race of tree-huggers who have a spiritual and biological connection to the world/goddess around them. If this all sounds familiar, you may have read Don Debrandt's obscure sci-fi Paul Bunyan parable novel Timberjak some years ago.

Our protagonist is a paraplegic marine (Sam Worthington) who is taking the place of his late genetic twin in a program where he is placed in a genetic Na'vi body to help a team of scientists, including Sigourney Weaver (who is trying hard not to play Ripley) communicate with them, and learn about their world. In addition, Colonel Quaritch wants Jake Sully to find out strategic information so that the Na'vi tribe can be relocated and the world's largest supply of Unobtanium filched from the ground, which surprise surprise, happens to be right beneath their giant tree house! The sounds you hear right now are your fellow moviegoers trying to hold in their vomit. Now, consider that the Na'vi seem to have a good grasp of English, at least a few of them. Would it not have been possible to actually communicate with them, make a fair deal? If it was clear the Na'vi were 100% against this idea in the first place, why spend so many resources on these proxy clones? And why in the name of FUCK would so many private mercs with nary a gas mask and bulletproof vest risk their lives and limbs in such a dangerous environment, willfully battling a guerilla army in a magical zone where they know their electronic automatic sighting and communications will be hampered?

You already know everything that is going to happen in this movie. You knew it before I wrote a single word in this review. Yes, it turns out Jake Sully will be THE CHOSEN ONE who frees the NA'VI from the oppression of the Evil Imperial Post-European Army! Darth Vader may have had a Tie Fighter, but Quaritch and his goons get Battletech-like armored suits and fighter craft lifted from a wealth of sci fi inspirations (you may find them similar to vehicles in FPS games like Halo or Unreal Tournament). In a grand and ridiculous final battle which made the Ewok revolt or the Flash Gordon hawkman battle look sensible by comparison, we are served all the geek-porn in creation so that our minds can be distracted from the truth: Avatar's story sucks a fat one.

It's a tragedy, truly, because the world of Pandora is beautiful. It's highly detailed, with lush fluorescent vegetation, gaggles of unique flora and fauna both lovely and horrifying, and a real sense for biological economy delivered through the civilization of the Na'vi. The special effects are astouding and much, much work (years I hear) went into their creation. The Na'vi are fluid and believable as an alien race, quite catlike in their graces and speaking a mesh of what sounds like Russian meets Spanish. About the only downside is that they're just an idealized version of American Indian cultures. They're powerful, but not immortal, and they don't need to be...since their planet/goddess can suddenly coordinate all wildlife to take down them evil Europeans!

Yes, the last 1/4 of this 3:00 hour film is devoted to utter stupidity and a textbook happy ending. We discover that THE CHOSEN ONE could be hurled to the earth by tons of metal mech and barely scratch a rib. We discover that a military force with vastly superior firepower suddenly abandons all advantage and common sense to pursue a ground campaign where one would obviously not be needed with a few more sweeps of missiles and incendiaries. Most importantly, that bald headed dick soldier monkey is TOTALLY gonna die, right? Avatar begins to fail as soon as it becomes Braveheart, and the story is simply too one sided to have any resonance with me. It's not playing this for laughs. Most of the actors do a decent job with what they have, and the setting is believable. But it's time, Hollywood, that you hired real writers for your movies. A few tweaks, a little more depth, perhaps a little motivation for MegaWickedCorp #67264 besides just the ching of cash...and Avatar could have been a real contender.

Tied in with the corniest pseudo-African/Indian choir-driven score I've heard since The Lion King, I seriously had to fight back the tears at this movie, even if it was better than Titanic. There are some truly terrible scenes here, most of which dominate the latter quarter of the film. But I stopped caring about the characters long before that. It appears that 2009 will not produce a masterwork the likes of The Dark Knight or the Wrestler. Avatar is not nearly as bad as, say, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Bile, or 2012, or Transformers 2: Revenge at the Box Office, but it's weak. It becomes quickly apparent where all that money was spent. I'm awarding it 5 points for the special effects alone, and I do believe it's something you should watch, if only for that. But once again, I find myself underwhelmed and left hollow by a hype machine. No wonder foreign films are kicking our ass...you know, the ones with good stories?

Verdict: Indifference [5.5/10] (YE'LL NEVER HAVE ARRR FREEDUMMB)

http://www.avatarmovie.com/

GLORIOUS! THE BEST MOVIE SINCE STAR WARS! TRIUMPHANT! UNBELIEVABLE! I HAVEN'T FELT THIS WAY SINCE I WAS A KID.

(the checks are in the mail)

The Day The Earth Stood Still (2008)

DEAR ALIEN NANITES,

Do us a favor. When you finally arrive to extinguish all traces of our species from the Earth, please, for the love of God...whatever God, from whatever planet...please, START WITH FUCKING HOLLYWOOD, including Will Smith and his offspring.

THANK YOU ALIEN NANITES.

-Autothrall

PS: Scott Derrickson, please do not rape HYPERION or PARADISE LOST like you did this classic film. Those too are beloved things written by people with taste and intelligence, for others with taste and intelligence, i.e. probably not you. Do they pick directors by lottery now? Thanks again.

Verdict: Epic Fail [1/10] (1 point for Keanu, who against all odds, is the only part of this film that did not completely suck... put that in your pipe and smoke it)

Surrogates (2009)

Surrogates is a science fiction flick based on a comic book series published a few years ago. It stars Bruce Willis as Agent Tom Greer, and is directed by Jonathan Mostow. The film maintains a largely Dicksian atmosphere, so if you've seen Paycheck, Impostor, Minority Report or Blade Runner (all film adaptations of Philip K. Dick stories), well...this is about as good as the first two on that list.

***MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD***

In Surrogates, people have forsaken the flesh and blood of their daily existence, choosing to remotely control android versions of themselves to handle their day to day affairs, jobs, etc. Naturally, people choose either paint-brush versions of themselves or fantasy selves (different sex, race, and so forth) to live out their lives. This is of course a nice speculative jab at our own fashion-centric, Bravo/E! television obsessed pathetic lives, and it does speak mirrors of the current Westernized climate of the world, like most good science fiction. Unfortunately, the premise is just too absurd to believe, and technology is unlikely to move in such a direction. For example, why send two surrogates to a physical meeting when we can communicate instantly via video, cellphone, or at the least text messaging/email. These are the true stepchildren of human laziness and convenience, so an entire industry to manufacture cybernetically controlled android bodies is improbable.

The use of surrogates has had its benefits, of course. Less crime, less spread of disease, even wars are fought out by soldiers safely hidden in control centers while they remote control infantry (which is also unlikely, since we'd be more apt to just directly control drone fighter jets, tanks, etc...foot soldiers would be absolutely useless in such a world). However, as in most of these films, there is a conspiracy afoot to end this new way of life, and Agent Greer is thrown into the midst to solve it. Rather than entirely spoil this review, I'll leave the plot at that. There's not much more to it.

Willis is his usual self as Greer, supported by Radha Mitchell as his partner Agent Peters, Rosamund Pike as his wife Maggie, and Ving Rhames as 'The Prophet', the leader of the 'dreads', or rather, humans who live in gated reservations where no surrogates are allowed. The acting is fine all around, though none of the roles in the film are challenging. The score is rather bland and the effects are much as you'd expect. It's interesting to explore this new world, and I did like that the surrogate bodies were not invincible. They can jump and take some damage, but a decent shotgun blast and it's time to buy a new one.

The film tries to build a disconnect (no pun intended) between Greer and this proxy-obsessed environment as he slowly awakens to the value of his physical humanity. There are a few effective scenes, like where he beats one of his wife's friend's surrogates in his apartment, but the film could have gone a lot further with the humanity vs. surrogates concept. Much of the story is a predictable cut and dry mystery/drama with a few bursts of action that do little to stir the pot. Of course, the entire premise is self-defeating: Bruce Willis, Rosamund Pike and Radha Mitchell are all beautiful people already, so it's hard to take them seriously as needing alternate versions of themselves which look much the same ('real' Bruce is better looking than his surrogate, if less clean cut).

I like films that speculate about our flaws and dystopian futures that exploit them. The message behind Surrogates is a good one, and not too preachy: we have flaws that make us all who we are, whether physical or emotional, and they should be celebrated rather than smothered by rampant peer pressure and vanity. Unfortunately, the movie itself is not quite on par with this message, and it's not as if people in this country are going to watch this parade of beautiful people and feel anything but loathing for themselves. I think an aluminum bat to the head is a superior wake up call.

Verdict: Indifference [5.5/10]

http://chooseyoursurrogate.com/

Pandorum (2009)

***AVAST! THAR BE SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW***

One day we'll all face the fact that the science fiction survival horror film is a dead horse. The genre's flagship (Alien) is arguably still its very best film, and hundreds of would be successors continue to ape it and fail (some moreso than others). But until that day, we're going to keep seeing this genre exploited, as directors try and alter the formula with different stories.

Pandorum is one such attempt, a film with some strengths that ultimately do not save its skin from mediocrity. For one, Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster are both good actors, and they're supported by a decent cast that includes Cam Gigandet, Eddie Rouse, Cung Le and Antje Traue. Though Pandorum does have its own 'aliens' (in this case, a strain of mutants evolved to live in a spaceship...rather barbarically), this is primarily a psychological survival horror film in the tradition of the tragic Event Horizon or the shoddy Supernova.

Bower (Foster) and then Lt. Peyton (Quaid) awaken aboard a Noah's Ark of biological specimens, with very limited memories. Bower begins to explore the vessel while Peyton tries to re-establish contact with the rest of the ship. En route, Bower encounters a handful of survivors and slowly begins to realize the hideous truth of what is happening on the ship. Peyton is visited by Corporal Gallo (Gigandet) who also begins to stir some exposition. There are a few twists and turns, space mutants, and a poetic ships' cook who scratches further exposition into some freakish drawings on the steel walls of the Elysium II. Then there's a happy ending (and a little happier than you'd think).

The sound mixing is the highlight of the film. At its most tranquil, you are treated with mere ambience, but this is a troubled space vessel, full of groaning and churning sounds, and horrific swells of orchestrated noise. They've done an excellent job of keeping you on edge throughout the entire film, and it is this factor which makes Pandorum watchable, if mediocre. The design of the ship is pretty cool, as are the mutants, though these will not seem novel to anyone who has played a first person shooter in the past 10 years (they could easily fit into a few dozen video game franchises). The acting is solid but not quite the focal point of the film. Some of the film's twists are surprising, others not so much (you can see one of them coming from the very start).

Pandorum is directed by the German Christian Alvart, a relative newcomer to the big screen, and it certainly pays heed to the lessons of its forebears (Alien, Event Horizon, etc). Moments of tension abound, and the film is edited well, despite several scenes of fighting involving the mutants which can grow hard to follow. The story itself isn't bad, though biological 'seed' ships or generational vessels are a common cliche of sci-fi. Some of the survivors are also quite cliche with the armbands, grime, dreadlocks, and leather-bound heroine we've seen so many times. In the end, it's the type of film I watched once because I'm a whore for the genre's roots, but I won't revisit it.

Verdict: Indifference [6/10]

http://www.pandorummovie.com/

District 9 (2009)

Recent years have seen quite the horrific drought in decent science fiction films. In an age where the rape of childhood IP's like the big screen adaptation tripe of Transformers and G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra (okay, okay, they both always sucked) top the box office, my assumption is that genre fans, both core and peripheral moviegoers have simply given up on quality, content to feed their complacency with a large popcorn and coo coo the abundance of soulless, computer animated special effects. EXPWOSIONS FTW!

From what I read of its origins, and saw through the trailer and viral marketing, District 9 promised something a little different. Perhaps a more visceral Alien Nation. Or perhaps another abortion of a documentary-style sci-fi flick like Cloverfield. I wound up impressed with many of the elements and decisions made for this film, but overall I was somewhat underwhelmed.

*SPOILER DISTRICT*

The film is essentially a fleshed out feature length modification of Blomkamp's Alive in Joburg short from a few years back. Alien refugees (I assume) have found their way into Earth's atmosphere, over Johannesburg, and have been kenneled off into a slum for both their own protection and that of humanity. The first 15 or so minutes of the film are told through a series of newsclips and interviews that hustle us into the story of Wikus Van De Merwe, an employee of MNU (Multi-National United, the 'evil corporation of the story'...insert eyerolls here) who becomes an important figure when something goes wrong during an attempt to evict the aliens to a new campsite.

The aliens, referred to as 'prawn' for their dirty habits of 'bottom feeding' and collecting garbage and food (they look like a hybrid of upright locust and squid), are interesting. They speak like droids in Star Wars, they eat rubber and cats' food, and have very little sense for personal property (putting them at odds with humanity). They are both vulnerable and dangerous, susceptible to anything that kills a human, but their chitinous limbs can detach a person's arm or head easily enough. The 'prawn' have been designed well, with fluid, consistent animation and plenty of character.

Unfortunately, the documentary-style newsreel tone to the film is soon abandoned in favor of a fairly by-the-numbers sci-fi action film. There is a lot of gun porn here, it seems Neill Blomkamp and Peter Jackson's involvement in the Halo franchise has translated into all manner of alien weaponry you'd find in the latest FPS. The violence is visceral and power packed, lots of exploding peoples, and they saw fit to throw in some fan service to all the mech fans in the audience, with a powered armor suit that puts all of Michael Bay's nonsense to shame. The film moves quickly and the charisma of its lead Sharlto Copley was enough to keep me entertained until the finale, but I can't help but feel disappointed by what this COULD have been: a full fledged science fiction mockumentary with impressive special effects that fully immerse the viewer.

As soon as the film transformed into The Fugitive with aliens, I found myself mindlessly awaiting the next big explosion and not caring about the characters. The film has numerous McGuffins and science fiction cliches which probably could have been avoided. Tractors beams, miracle elixirs that can both power up a starship and transform DNA, and the aforementioned gun porn do little to advance the story of social alien interaction and the broader rammifications on the population of Earth to know we are not alone in the universe. Seriously...this could have been much more than 'evil corporation wants to experiment and steal bio-technology to change the course of warfare for the highest bidder'. We've seen this plot a thousand fucking times. Even the Alien films had this plot when you think about Bishop, etc. The evil soulless corporations are getting a little tired. It's a shame District 9 had to go there.

Despite my disappointment at taking the easy way out, there are still numerous positive qualities to District 9 that should be noted. Though the placement of the story draws an obvious parallel to apartheid, it's never shoved down your throat. There are villains of all colors in this film. In addition to the generic 'blah blah' evil white men with shaved heads, you have the Nigerian vodoun criminals who think they can devour the aliens to gain their powers. Even the aliens themselves seems shady as they keep numerous facts from the humans (one of which, had they brought it up earlier, might have spared all the conflict and had them sent packing a decade or so before the events of the film). The special effects here were simply amazing, I never felt they went overboard or became so blurred that I couldn't follow the action on screen. The alien mothership was ominous and incredible, the alien weaponry (though very video game) was fulfilling when discharged, the score was passable, and the sound effects bombastic. Blomkamp was wise to use a South African cast for the film, it lent an authenticity that would have been immediately lost through the use of big name Hollywood stars.

District 9 was an enjoyable film for a single serving, but it's not one I will return to, as there is nothing interesting enough for me to want to see again. The mech suit was slick, but not much fun against stupid mercenaries who employ standard ordnance and motor vehicles instead of running in the face of obviously superior firepower (which they would have done in any realistic situation, and since this film's strength was its realistic take on the alien quarantine...yeah, what the hell). Though older, dated and often a bit cheesy, Alien Nation had a stronger storyline and offered a better glimpse into the cohabitation of humans and alien refugees. Still, this film was one of the best of its genre to release in some time. I hope Blomkamp's competence and special effects can be applied to a more interesting story in the future.

Verdict: Win [7/10]

http://www.d-9.com/

Babylon A.D. (2008)

It's a shame that pretty much every near-future/cyberpunk film to come out in the past decade (with the exceptions of the Matrix and Children of Men) has failed to cross the radar, but if convoluted tripe like Babylon A.D. keeps getting the green light, the genre could be dead for a long time coming. There are a few scenes in which I tried to like this film, the latest from actor/director Mathieu Kassovitz, but inevitably it fails with a nonsensical plot and a wealth of hack attempts at being 'cool' or 'badass'. Previous to this, the guy directed Gothika...so, yeah, expect nothing. Supposedly a large chunk of the film was cut for its US release, and the director himself is not happy with it.

Vin Diesel stars as Toorop, a US expatriate and mercenary who is hired to ferry a beautiful girl named Aurora (played by Mélanie Thierry) and her kung-fu wielding nanny Sister Rebeka (played by Michelle Yeoh) to New York City for reasons unclear to him. Toorop is essentially a composite of Diesel's other action characters Riddick and Xander Cage, though he attempts to channel a little more emotion here. Yeoh is playing the same character she plays in every American film, and Thierry has little more to do than puff her lips and look pretty, and serve as a moral counterweight to the rather barbaric future world of the film. Gérard Depardieu, Charlotte Rampling and Lambert Wilson (all good actors) all have roles as the antagonists of the film, but their characters are given no chance to shine. The film also features a large variety of stereotypical images from other cyberpunk films (Bladerunner and Minority Report among others), and carries the same stench as other Dicksian misses like Impostor.

Spoilers ahead. If you care.

The plot pretty much sucks for this film, but we don't even need to get that far to know we're doomed. After a brief intro with Diesel's monologue and a few nice shots and effects, we cut to the credits, where Vin Diesel does his gangsta lean through the rabble streets of turbulent future Russia, while some fairly shitty rap plays (Rza worked on this). He runs up on some foo' who fucked him on a gun sale, and then he buys some chow from a poor street market woman. We're treated to a moment or two of good film here, a glimpse of a life and a world we may actually be interested to see more of. However, all hope of this is instantly diminished when a troop of mercenaries blows up the door and surrounds Toorop. Get ready for some swagger, folks, because if you didn't know already, Vin Diesel be a badass and he must be in every film! For joy!

Here lies the biggest problem with the film. What I like to call 'the edge factor'. Many of the action/fighting sequences are queued up here just like in every shitty Hollywood film. There's your club-rave scene with the techno blaring, and even a 'cage' match with Sepultura playing ("Dead Embryonic Cells", Quiet Riot is also found elsewhere). The fights just feel too staged, and the action is blurry and not nearly visceral enough. It also makes no fucking sense whatsoever. Why would you offer someone you don't necessarily like or trust 500k to transport a 'package' across a border, when you clearly have the vast resources to get it done easily yourself. If you've already got scores of mercenaries in the target area and enough wealth that you can fly suckas around in a 'company vehicle' by means of military grade helicopter with a giant magnet, why the fuck do you need to hire some dude to do the job for you? So much of the film reflects this futile, shoddy writing.

At any rate, we are treated to a few fights against some parkour wielding dudes (parkour is the new bullet-time) and then a snowmobile battle against unmanned drones in the Canadian wilds (en route to New York). In a truly xXx moment, Toorop manages to take out one of the fighter drones with a freaking snowmobile. There you have it, frat boys, money well spent on that ticket. Once the trio arrive safely at their hotel in NYC, it's a simple matter of the Noelites (religious sect who wants Aurora for the twin 'immaculate' conceptions within her womb...i.e. clones) and the Gorsky gang (who wear cool motorcycle masks and have micromissiles coded to your skin-passport). Now, once again, the bizarre logic of the story kicks in. The High Priestess of the Noelites hired Gorksy...to hire Toorop to bring the girl here. So...why are his men and the Noelites shooting at one another?

If I could sum up the 'climax' and the 'twist' in brief: during the city shootout, Aurora shoots Toorop so that a micromissile won't kill him, then the psycho-kinetic unborn twins within her womb shield her from the missile blast, she suddenly disappears, Toorop is resurrected by Aurora's father/creator, who kills Toorop again so that he can relive his memory of her lasts words to him, telling him to go to his family's old home in upstate New York to meet her. Yes, the movie is this bad! Toorop goes to the old house, finds Aurora, then gets pursued by Noelites in the (thankfully) last action bit of the film. Aurora dies in childbirth and then Toorop becomes the 'daddy' to her twins, both of different ethnicities (though I guess cloning can work that way, right?).

I just saved you 90 minutes of your lives, minus however long it took you to read this review. Please take the difference in minutes, multiple by $5, and cut me a check.

The two points I have awarded for this film are for the cinematography and special effects. The team did a great job here and it deserves credit at least for that. It looks quite amazing in high definition. A shame all that work was wasted on a trashy escort mission film. If by some miracle the 70 missing moments of the US version are released, and I actually watch this again in full, I may update this review. Not bloody likely. Way to go studio.

Verdict: Epic Fail [2/10]

http://www.babylonadmovie.com/

Phase IV (1974)

There's just something about those old 60s and 70s horror and sci fi flicks which evokes morbid vintage creepy into me time and again...something modern films tend to lack (unless maybe Miike is directing). Phase IV is a 1974 film directed by Saul Bass, who has a storied history of working on interesting films (though not generally as director). This is not to be confused with the crappy, unrelated Dean Cain film of the same name (2001). Sadly, this film will be most familiar to hardcore MST3K fans, since it was the target of a 1989 episode. But don't write it off for that reason alone, or you'll be missing a simple but effective freakshow starring a myriad of talented six-legged thespians.

The plot is pretty typical and tacky science fiction: a mysterious cosmic event has triggered a rapid evolutionary growth in the intelligence of Earth ants. They don't grow to giant sizes (to both my dismay and the film's credit), but they gain the ability to engineer large structures and communicate even more rapidly with one another then they already do. The result is that the ants begin organizing to take down their natural predators, scientists take notice, and this is where our story kicks in. Nigel Davenport plays Dr. Ernest D Hubbs (I like to believe his name is a spin on cult sci-fi author E.C. Tubbs), a scientist with a one track mind who wants to study and conquer this newfound intelligenge. Michael Murphy plays James R. Lesko, a mathematician with encryption skills whose job is to study the patterns of communication between the ants. The two set up a science station in the Arizona desert, complete with all manner of biological weaponry and high tech computers (remember, this is the 70s, so mileage with the 'high tech' may vary), and under pressure from their investors, they decide to provoke the ants in order to study them.

Oh fuck, 35 year old spoilers ahead!

After refusing to evacuate their farm, the last remaining local family is driven out by an attack from the ants. The creatures not only destroy their house, but also sabotage their pickup as they're fleeing. In desperation, the family tries to get into the science station, but they've got bad timing, because in a truly creepy scene, Dr. Hubbs releases the '100% yellow' chemical just as they near, killing all except the granddaughter Kendra (played by Lynne Frederick), who manages to hide in a bulkhead. Now, let me just state here that Lynne Frederick is a thing of beauty, probably one of the most beautiful actresses we've ever had, (though not exactly talented), and she appears in only a handful of obscure films like this one. It would be almost impossible to take your eyes off her straight brown hair and doe eyes, except for one thing...

These ants VERY quickly steal the show. The intro features some scenes of their subterannean empire building, and there are some almost 'emotional' scenes throughout the film featuring the little creatures. One in particular is amazing: after being poisoned by the 100% yellow, a chain of ants sacrifices itself to bring a sample of the chemical to their queen, who can then consume it and birth a strain of ants resistant to the stuff! Far out! But watching each ant carry the poison to its own untimely death is the most provocative image in the film, a testament to the self-sacrifice and teamwork of their species. Frankly, the ants in this film were better actors than most of who we have in Hollywood today. A shame their lives were so short, this could have been the start of quite a few careers.

Essentially, the rest of the film involves the scientists and ants trying to outsmart one another. It's soon apparent who will win this conflict, to the point where the ants begin toying with the
humans when they could very quickly finish them. I won't spoil the ending, but it's pretty interesting and almost sensual (had they made it a little 'more' sensual, this film would be a bonafide cult classic). The acting is decent (except for Frederick, but but she's too hypnotic for you to care), Davenport plays the all-too-committed, inhumane science type very well and Murphy plays off him as the nice guy with his wits about him. Obviously this was done with a low budget, so many of the gadgets and 'effects' are cheesy and might hurt your eyes. No CGI circus here, the ants performed their own stunts. The film is actually pretty inventive visually, there are several striking scenes (like the grandparents succubming to 100% yellow or the interchange between Kendra and Lesko in the end). I wouldn't call the plot predictable, there may be one or two slight surprises in store for you.

Phase IV is hardly great cinema, but it's worth the time to watch once, especially if modern film has jaded you or you're a retro geek. Like many similar works of the 60s, 70s, and early 80s, there is an intangible force at play, an evocative sense of the unknown, a chill that runs up my spine when I view this stuff. It's not a bad way to kill 90 minutes. There is also a short novel version of the film by Barry Malzberg.

Verdict: Win [7/10]

Star Trek (2009)

Of all the intellectual properties you could hope to resuscitate, Star Trek has to be the toughest. After a faltering pair of films with the Next Generation cast and the gradual death of the TV franchise through the money whoring abuse of Rick Berman and Brannon Braga (aka the on/off Voyager and the abysmal Enterprise), our beloved science fiction continuum had been put out to pasture for a few years. Let's face it, Star Trek needed the vacation. And after seeing this fair but ultimately futile attempt, I wonder if it would have benefited from a little more time off...

SPOILERISM. Don't want any? Skip to the score.

Now, before I proceed, I get that the primary filmgoing audience of the early 21st century has shifted to a new generation of young turks who want lots of explosions, plot holes, sexy girls and gritty dialogue and basically Battlestar Galactica-remake-tinted emo everything. The new Star Trek features all of these things and the sleek (though shoddy) CGI design it's been forging for the past 20+ years. It also features some of the most hideous, overrused plot devices that have been destroying genre fiction for decades. Yes, Star Trek is no newcomer to the use of time travel, dozens of episodes and even previous films have dealt heavily with it. So why do we need to use it again, exactly!? Perhaps so we can provide a cameo/deus ex machina with Leonard Nimoy and pretty much eliminate any sense of investment one could possibly place in this script. The film operates with almost no rationale as it attempts to propel its ludicrous revenge plot along through action sequence after sequence.

So, a supernova (a universal event far beyond the control of most mortals...oh wait, apparently not in the super science of the 24th-25th century) blows earlier than expected, and this guy decides he's going to kill a score or more entire species who had NOTHING to do with it? Splendid. 'I don't like how they looked at me' would be a more compelling motive, but alas we have Eric Bana trying his best to craft a villain whose substance is no deeper than the ten minute tribal henna he and his crew wear to look totally BADASS. I suppose I can't blame him completely, it's not as if he was written even a shred of decent dialogue. He's essentially a composite of previous Star Trek film villains Soren (Generations), Shinzon (Nemesis), and Khan, driven by a fanaticism that will never redeem him. The Narada is a pretty badass looking ship for a mining/cargo vessel, but didn't we just have a frightening black enemy ship in the previous film (the Scimitar)?

On the other hand, the younger selves of the classic Enterprise crew do a pretty standout job. Zachary Quinto is a natural for Spock, both in facial structure and ability. I had hesitations about Chris Pine, but he proved himself more than worthy for that chair, without ever lapsing into Shattner caricature. As for Bones, he is in perhaps the best hands of the three. It's great to see Karl Urban in this type of role, the guy can obviously act far beyond the limited scope of his past action heroes and villains. He literally channels DeForest Kelley here. The supporting cast are decent. Sulu and Chekhov get some screen time and Uhura gets more than she's probably ever had. As for Scotty...well, I found it hard to separate Scotty from the Pegg of his other roles, but it didn't help that his character was thrown in essentially as an addendum to the other deux ex machina. Also noteworthy are the performances of Bruce Greenwood as Captain Pike and Ben Cross as Sarek. I could have done without the Winona Ryder and Tyler Perry cameos, but they were brief and inconsequential.

Another of the strong points to the film is Abrams' loyalty to the canon of Trek. There are droves of fanservice moments, from Sulu's fencing to Kirk's mountain climbing (all of which would manifest in the series and later films) to a fucking Captain Archer reference (ugh!). Red shirts look out. Kobayashi Maru confirmed. Also...Slusho. Yeah. The Enterprise itself looks pretty swank, though the interior is quite different than what we're used to from TOS (we all knew it would). It's also clear with this time travel/alternate timeline plot that Abrams has every intention of covering his ass with this film (and any future installments), and while I ultimately question the need for separate timelines or continuity, it's better than nothing. But this leads to much of the frustration I have in thinking back on the film:

Was this necessary at all? Just because we've rounded up some actors who have a dignity and loyalty to their forebears, and a director and writing staff with a good grasp of the lore, is this enough to force us through a pretty shabby script with a forgettable antagonist? I mean aside from the fan candy there is just nothing to grasp on to, certainly nothing that could take the place of classic Trek and the chemistry and performance of the original actors, which needed no fixing. After suffering through 4 seasons of Enterprise, did we need another prequel? Abrams probably could have taken Trek somewhere new...instead he took it somewhere we've already been. And if we have sequels with this cast, how well can we internally divorce the timelines? Many of us can probably separate the continuities, but why even bother with them? What about the normal Star Trek canon? Can't we do something with that?

Although my disappointment has only grown in the days since viewing the film, I don't want to come across as too hard on this movie. The cast was good. The director had good intentions. The action is meh. It's got plenty of those Hollywood narrow escapes, but Trek always has. The fan service is plentiful. The music is decent. There is little to no creativity. I could ramble endlessly about nit picks like what I consider the misuse of an Orion slave girl, or why you have warp drive yet don't know the gender of your unborn child (I'll concede that you could always choose NOT to know in advance). This is not such a bad version of Star Trek, and perhaps now that we've got the origin story out of the way, we're in for a decent sequel with a more interesting plot. I hope to hell an Abrams-helmed Star Trek II will NOT be a Wrath of Khan retread.

You knew the 'boldly go' speech was coming at some part of the film, Abrams chose the end of his film and, out of respect, the voice of Leonard Nimoy. So, assuming he's going to film another chapter, how about taking the content of those words to heart?

Verdict: Indifference [6.75/10] (but better than Cloverfield)

http://www.startrekmovie.com/

Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008)

In yet another nail in Brendan Fraser's career coffin, he stars in this shoddy vehicle which DARES to take the name of the 1864 Jules Verne story. This is no remake, although it makes numerous references to the original. And if you thought The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor was wretched (and oh, it was wretched), you may be shocked to learn that he has starred in a film inferior to that within the same year!

About the only positive thing I can say for this story is that somewhere, the intent was innocent. This was a film about some geologists who discover that the Verne story is actually based in reality. Professor Lidenbrock really discovered this lost world within the bowels of the Earth, and his exploits were followed over a century later by a curious adventurer /scientist. When this explorer disappears, his brother (Fraser) and nephew (a yo-yo slinging brat played by Josh Hutcherson) discover through his notes that he was a Vernian. They fly out to Iceland, meet mountain guide/romantic interest plant Hannah (played by Anita Briem who looks lost through half the film), and set off in pursuit, getting themselves trapped and then narrowly escaping a series of too-close situations in true, lazy, uninspired Hollywood fashion.

Now, I LIKE the idea of Verne's story being real...and people finding this out through an adventure. That's where the sole point came from. This could have been a passable movie, especially for the kiddies. Fuck, it could have even been a more serious film. This Journey is neither. It's a consistent string of mediocre special effects, bad acting and situations which will have you increasingly rubbing your temples and asking yourself 'why'?

For starters, the characters move through the environments so quickly that we never get a chance to actually appreciate the wonder of this long lost world. As soon as they arrive, the next disaster awaits and they are shuffled along through improbable feats of ingenuity. They quickly dispatch carnivorous flora, giant flying fish and subterranean thunder lizards with nary a bead of sweat (hell they hardly appear to be sweating in 110+ degree cavern climate...) I can buy a lack of reality or proper physics when it comes to some stupendous action flick, but for fuck's sake: this could have been done with the SAME actors, edited better, given better dialogue, and used nearly the same set of events with a more realistic approach. And it would only have benefited.

You'll never once feel any real danger for any of the characters, since their situations rarely reflect reality. During a mine cart crash sequence, we are expected to believe Anita Briem's character can stand straight on a push cart while plummeting many miles per hour, and then jumping across to another cart! We are expected to believe a massive T-rex like beast exists in a barren dry cavern network with a bunch of skeletons. How many pounds of meat would such a creature need to survive? The writers and director (Eric Brevig's directing credits to date included episodes of Xena the Warrior Princess...) are in such a rush to hit you with a joyride of forgettable action sequences that not once do any of the stunts elicit any wonder or 'wow factor'.

I didn't catch this in its 3D incarnation, but I doubt that would make a difference. A flying fish leaping at you through the screen has nothing on Jaws. The acting couldn't be worse if delivered via telephone. During several scenes we get a close-up of Briem screaming in terror, so unconvincing that I almost broke down in pitious laughter. Fraser tries to appear vulnerable and "Rick" O'Connell at the same time, but it's another mediocre performance (his innocent swagger worked well in the first two Mummy films but he has since been unable to recapture it). We're a long way from School Ties, my friend.

I'd like to say there was a good score or super special effects to grant some salvation to this monstrosity, but such things do not exist for this film. The creatures look silly, the effects average at best. Even some of the green-screened backgrounds look rushed and terrible. A proper remake of the Jules Verne novel with a good budget and believable actors would be welcome, but it's a pity they couldn't have titled this Journey from the Center of My Rectum, because the smell is quite comparable. Will the insistence to dumb down entertainment for 'family' entertainment ever cease?

Verdict: Epic Fail [1/10] (Green shist, white shist, micro-guarded shist... )

http://www.journey3dmovie.com/

Titan A.E. (2000)

If you're wondering why more original science fiction properties aren't given the green light in this day and age, it's because of tripe like Titan A.E. and other turn of the century flops which have all but killed the general public's interest in the medium. More specifically, this film is an insult to good taste and certainly an insult to the incredible job it's CGI animators did on creating breathtaking space sequences.

The plot is pretty standard apocalyptic science fiction fare. An alien species known as the Drej have for some reason decided that humanity must be eradicated. So they descend upon Earth to blow it all to Hell. The humans have of course predicted this would happen and so many escape in a mass exodus on generational ships, including a mysterious vessel known as the Titan. Deus ex machina time! Protagonist Cale (who is voiced decently enough by Matt Damon) is given a genetically coded compass/key which can activate the Titan, which is in fact a genesis device capable of creating a new planet Earth within...you guessed it...minutes? Maybe an hour? The genesis ship reaches its location and then runs out of gas, so it's up to Cale to come along and re-ignite it all somehow, to reinstate the human species. Along the way he meets a traitorous human captain (voiced by Bill Pullman) and his alien crew, and happens to fall in love with the only other human his age he meets in the galaxy. The audience won't care, they must all be dumb, right? Wrong.

First off, we are NEVER given any explanation as to why the Drej hate humanity. Maybe they feel threatened. Who the fuck knows. Now...considering that the Drej are a SPECIES MADE OUT OF PURE ENERGY, why the hell would they be concerned with humans or the material races at all? This makes no sense. Secondly, if humans are capable at this point (in the 31st century) of creating a planet IN MINUTES, why are they not capable of technologies that can defend their planet? Thirdly, we are introduced to many other species in the film, all of which have technology of their own, so why do the Drej just leave them all be? How are they not a threat? This has to have one of the most idiotic, phoned in premises of any film I have ever seen. Did you seriously even think about this for 10 minutes before pitching it? And how did it pass edit? Was there no one with a grain of sense in their head working on this production who brought any of these relevant and painfully obvious observations to the director? I have a tendency to lower my expectations with films, since I know there will always be miraculous Hollywood style escapes and predictable plot twists, but the logic of this film is staggeringly stupid.

What makes this even more the tragedy is that this is a film whose universe has some great ideas and is beautifully illustrated. The main characters have a very motion based, expressive animation which you'd expect from director Don Bluth's video games (Dragon's Lair, Space Ace) and Ralph Bakshi-style animated films, but what really shines is the detailed computer animation of the ships and environments. There are some beautiful interstellar locales in this film, like the void of colliding, monolithic ice masses which mask the location of the Titan (there is a far-fetched chase scene through the area). Or the ship racing along a gaseous nebula as it tows mysterious 'wake angels' entities, which is essentially like swimming with the dolphins. I also really enjoyed the vulture-like alien species' homeworld with its natural exploding gaseous bulblike plants. This is all quite psychedelic and wondrous and deserved a lot better treatment than the shitty plot upon which it is wasted.

In addition to Damon and Pullman, you'll hear many familiar voices here: John Leguizamo, Ron Perlman, Nathan Lane, Drew Barrymore and Janeane Garofalo are all here, even Tone Loc in a short role as the alien Tek (HAHAHAAHAHA). The voice acting and Grame Revell original score are passable, but the selection of modern rock tracks is another truly frustrating element of the film. At certain 'pivotal' scenes involving the main characters, awful pop rock tracks from mediocre artists suddenly appear as if they are going to somehow afford the film some hipness or perhaps help teen viewers relate. This placement is almost as bad as the script writing.

This film is best avoided unless you have access to some of the space scenes which are quite beautiful. Had the obvious talent of its production team and animation studio been used on a half-decent science fiction script, we could have had a cult classic on our hands. As it stands, Titan A.E. is a hideous disappointment which could please only the least demanding, incompetent media suck puppets on Earth. Kill it. Kill it with fire.

Verdict: Fail [3/10] (points for art direction and CGI sequences only)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120913/

Outlander (2009)

Spoilers ahead, folks.

Outlander is yet another of those genre films to come out well under the Hollywood radar in recent years, despite performances from James Caviezel and John Hurt. In this case, it's probably a good thing, as the film fails to live up to anything aside from its crude existence as a composite of other, far better films. Essentially, take Beowulf and The 13th Warrior, soap them up in some Predator and Enemy Mine, and then dry them off with a Lord of the Rings towel. Voila, you have Outlander.

It's a sad thing, too, because a movie with this very same plot could have turned out well if hadn't been content with its mediocrity. Kainen is a man from a distant world spanning civilization who has crashed on Earth, in Norway, 8th century. He conveniently is discovered by the handsome Wulfric (played by Jack Huston), and brought to the largest local settlement, presided over by Rothgar (John Hurt). Of course, Rothgar's beautiful daughter Freya (Sophia Myles), 10x more beautiful than any of the other Viking women around her, has eyes for the Outlander immediately! They slowly fall in love throughout the film. Oh for the love of Christ.

But all is not well...because...get this, SOMETHING ELSE FOLLOWED KAINEN HERE! Alien, Predator, Enemy Mine...you know the score. One of the last remnants of a race Kainen's people wiped out to colonize a new homeworld. The tragedy here is that his people didn't realize the creatures (the Moorwen) were vengeful and somewhat intelligent. So, one has followed Kainen to this planet, and it begins destroying everything in sight, displaying varying levels of intelligence throughout the film. For most of the run time, it uses stealth to snare its foes, easily picking them off. But for some inane reason, there is the inevitable 'showdown' scene, where the creature suddenly decided it will face the village head on (the 'trap' sequence).

Ach...Hans...run...it is the Moorwen! Now, this picture might not show it, but the creature actually looks pretty cool, this is one of the highlights of the film. It's similar to a large displacer beast (D&D fans rejoice), complete with pseudopods that it can whip around to snare and decapitate the unwary. It also uses luminescence to enthrall and trap its foes. Kind of cool, honestly. Of course, this Moorwen isn't alone. There is the inevitable BABY MOORWEN OF DEATH! Graarrrr! What the fuck. Yes, for real.

The cinematography is decent, much like other films of this sort to come out in recent years (action epics like Apocalypto, BC, and Pathfinder). The score is average, and there are no memorable themes here. It's not a complete disgrace to Norse culture but it cheapens it to cliches, and you lose a lot of that raw thrill. Had the film been shot in Old Norse (it's only spoken a few times, as they take the 'translator' implant sci-fi cliche) it would have greatly improved the mood. The performances are all pretty dull, Caviezel and Hurt try their best, as does Ron Perlman in his role as the hammer-slinging chieftain/antagonist Gunnar, but they have so little to work with. The action is average at best, there is some gore involved but not a lot in the way of creative death. Decapitations, guys getting their chests ripped out, basically the same shit you've seen in any movie like this. There is a pretty tragic and touching flashback in which Kainen's people are purging the Moorwens from their world in a massive firestorm. You can really feel sorry for these creatures. It's the best scene in the movie.

The film was directed by the little-known Howard McCain, who also wrote it. Unfortunately, he's also writing a new Conan feature. He's going to have to do a lot better than this, or you can consider that childhood fondness raped into the dirt.

The bottom line is the movie was an uninteresting pastiche of other plots and better movies that had come out before. It's just as mediocre as the recent Pathfinder, another film that failed to give us thrilling Viking action, or the dull animated Beowulf feature. You're better off watching The 13th Warrior any day of the week. Actually, how about manning the fuck up and tracking down a copy of 1958's The Vikings, starring Kirk Douglas.

You can thank me later.

Verdict: Fail (4/10)

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John Scalzi - Old Man's War (2005)

I admit that I often fall prey to judging books by their covers. Old Man's War, as you can tell, has a pretty terrible cover. Space ships on a science fiction novel! How terribly original. I can't remember what prompted me to finally bite into this series, but I am terribly happy that I did. Old Man's War is a delight for science fiction fans and non-devotees alike.

The quote on the cover of my edition comes from Publisher's Weekly, and it makes a rather apt comparison to the great Robert Heinlein. Being a fan of Mr. Heinlein, I was simultaneously indignant and excited by the claim. "Okay, Mr. Scalzi," I thought to myself, "you've got an awful lot to prove here." As Old Man's War progressed, I felt more and more like the comparison was well deserved. Scalzi shares Heinlein's gift for creating vivid worlds out of close proxies of our own, strangely similar and yet vastly different from reality.

Old Man's War takes place in a universe where humanity has grown beyond the confines of Earth, taking to space to colonize other planets. The rest of the inhabitants of the void don't take too kindly to this, however, and we find ourselves constantly at war with one crazed species or another. If this sounds tired or trite, I urge you to give it a chance. There are plenty of twists and turns in Old Man's War that I simply don't want to ruin.

The Colonial Defense Forces are our only hope, and they need soldiers. The title of the book comes from the CDF's recruiting policy: They take some of Earth's elderly and turn them into soldiers. Nobody on Earth knows exactly how, all they know is that when you're 75 and you join the CDF, you get a second lease on life. You just need to pledge your service for a few years. Not a bad deal for the geriatric crowd, I'd say.

We live through this bizarre experience as John Perry, retired writer and all-around good guy. Perry's a likable enough fellow, and easy to sympathize with. There isn't a whole lot of extremely deep characterization here, either with Perry or the other members of the supporting cast, but that doesn't really detract from the novel overall. The fact that these are 75+ year old individuals is clear, but not overwritten, much like the characters themselves.

If there's a knock to be made against Old Man's War, it's that Scalzi makes what I consider to be a mistake of the genre by going to the "nanotech well" one too many times. Nanobots are apparently going to be all the rage in the future, and literally every piece of future tech will involve them in some way. It's not that this isn't a plausible outcome or anything, it's just boring to read. Nano this, nano that. We get it, John, you like nanobots. Who doesn't? No need to make them the focus of your science. The few other scientific toys that pop up in Old Man's War are pretty fucking cool. Let's hear more about those next time, eh?

Old Man's War is brilliant in both it's homages and it's originality. Very few things in the genre can stand next to it. It's a fast read, clocking in at only 318 pages, and it will fly past you faster than you'd like. Good thing the series continues.

Verdict: Epic Win [9/10] (Where do I sign up for the CDF?)